Lara's Thoughts

Puke Flick of all time - Thicker Than Water

2009-11-26T01:05:00.001-08:00

Book Of Oya - The Final Etching

2009-11-25T15:19:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5826. Greetings my Zesty Zombies. So this is it. The final Etching from the Book of Oya. It depicts Oya's years in the 'Bordello of Blood' in New Orleans. The vampires took her in and gave her a home. There she gave birth to a child. Yes, that's right, according to this book, vampires can breed! The child was human. Nuts. The book actually gets pretty involved with what vampires are and everything. It's kind of contrary to what we've been led to believe. According to the book, Vampirism isn't really something you can get. You have to be born with it. Vampires aren't really undead at all, rather they are like another species. Like an offshoot of humans. And they do age. Just very gracefully. About a year to every 30 ours.

Anyway, according to the Oya was captured and studied by Freemasons so if it's true, the government probably knows all about them and has like some secret lab somewhere where they poke and prod vampires trying to figure out how to tame them and / or harness their powers. I can totally see it. It's a pretty cool book. About the size of a movie poster. Apparently there were only thirteen copies ever printed. Leave it to Max at the Freakatorium to find one. Crazy Max.

In other news, Time Magazine just called this 'The Decade From Hell'. I don't really have any other decades to compare it to but I still have to say that I concur. What a crap decade! terrorists, tsunamis, hurricanes, wars, economic collapse, George Bush, the Jonas brothers, Twatlight! It's been one thing after another. I'm pretty glad to see it go. Then again, maybe what's around the corner is even worse. I'm not feeling optimistic about the future. For one thing, our already overcrowded planet's population is going to like double in fifty years. Somehow, I think our best years are behind us. My generation has inherited an unsustainable society, an environment on the brink of global collapse - my 2012 prediction - the polar ice caps will melt creating giant tsunamis. Nothing devastates like a tsunami. The one in the Indian Ocean killed a quarter million people. The five year anniversary is coming up. Most religions have a Noah's Ark type myth involving a giant flood. Crazy that in my short existence I have already lived through a tragedy of biblical proportions. I think eventually they'll call us the 911 generation. The first generation of American realists. It's almost like with 911, we lost our innocence. Our world was no longer untouchable. Whether we want to admit it or not, a dark cloud settled over us that day. A cloud of paranoia and uncertainty. Mr. Bin Laden was definitely successful in that sense. He gave us a good slap across the face and woke us up to the reality of the rest of humanity. One of my fave indies is Open Water. In it, this white American couple go scuba diving and get left behind by their tour boat. They see a boat in the distance but decide that it's too far to swim and that eventually somebody will find them. It's this attitude that separates us from the rest of the world. See, most people would be swimming towards that boat with every last ounce of effort they can muster. Americans just can't fathom real crisis. It just doesn't enter our lives.

I know I bitch a lot. And on this Thanksgiving, I'd like to give thanks to the crazy country that lets me do it, that gives me the luxury to rant about Twatlight and my stupid sister and people who talk too much, instead of worrying about what I'm going to eat tomorrow. Yes, Time, the decade has sucked. But at least we can still complain about it.

Lara's Vampire Vineyard

2009-11-24T02:51:00.001-08:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5825. Hello my Yawning Yardbirds. Well it's finally finished. Lara's Vampire Vineyard on Farmville. I know. Get a life. But at least now I'm done with it. You have to have an end in sight.

I was reading this Eastern philosophy book the other day and the Swami or whatever he was said something like - "Attachment is the selfish focus on the outcome. Detachment is the selfless focus on the process." I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. It's one of those awful brainfucks. I personally feel that the outcome is pretty friggin important. Why is that selfish? But I get what he's saying. Love the effort, not the result. Well, this blog has been kind of an exercise in loving the process. Although maybe one day people will see it as an outcome. I mean, it is kind of a work of art, as presumptuous as that sounds. That's what we're doing. We bloggers! We're leaving a little piece of ourselves for posterity.

One day maybe historians or archeologists or whatever might read them and try to figure out what sort of freaky effed up society we were living in. I like to think of these things from time to time. It is good to have a historical outlook on life. It helps to put things in perspective. Like how important really is Billy Mathews in the bigger scheme of things. Ten thousand years from now he will be a tiny speck on a tiny speck of a page of history that I gave him by writing about him. If he's lucky.

Anyway, Oprah just announced she's retiring after next year. Another vicious blow to Mom's daily routine. It's amazing how that woman has made herself such an essential part of a woman's day. I'm every woman. Yeah, give me a break. Every woman is worrying about how to feed her friggin kids not what dress to wear to the Oscars. She's worth like a billion bucks, that Oprah! Every woman indeed. Maybe the hypocrisy finally caught up to her.

I think Mom needs to take up a new hobby. I wish she'd find herself some Bulgarian friends. She's so inside herself all the time. Sometimes I feel like I don't know who she really is. Like I've never seen her outside of her 'Mom' persona. I feel like there must be more to her.

Then again, maybe this identity is the only one she knows anymore. It's sad what happens to women. They become whatever society wants them to become. Just look at my stupid sister, Helen. Oh, did I mention Helen has declared herself a Twatlight Fan?! Team Jacob! Finally my two greatest nemesis unite. In general New Moon seems to be getting much better reviews than the original. Naturally I'm currently boycotting any movie theater screening it. Instead I have been spending most of my free time trying to get the Facebook people to create a 'dislike' button.

Our Birthdays are coming up. Mine and Helen's. December the 13th. Not my favorite event of the year. I'm sure she'll demand another party at home where I'll have to sit in the corner again. She's ruined pretty much every birthday I've ever had. She gets like a zillion cards from like pen-pals in India and whatever. I'll be lucky if I get two. This year I want a calf's heart for my Birthday. So I can perform this anal acne curse from You Do Voodoo by Herbert Hoviak. If you have a newborn calf, it's heart has to be removed precisely at midnight. Send it to me preferably dry-frozen. Here's Helen's House on my farm:

Anyway, sad to say goodbye to Farmville. I leave you now with Anne Rice's House in Lara's Vampire Vineyard:

Greatest Birthday Gift EVER!!!!!

2009-11-23T18:12:00.001-08:00

welcome to my life. Day 5824. Hello my Escommunicated Existentialists. I just got the greatest Birthday present I've ever gotten!!! I know, my Birthday isn't for another couple of weeks but Nobody is perfect. Here it is! A signed copy of Anne Rice's new book, Angel Time! From Anne Rice herself. It pays being a superfan. I'm going to read it immediately then let you know what I think.

Okay, so I just finished Angel Time. This is not going to be easy. Everyone knows I'm Anne's biggest fan and that I have an Anne Rice altar in my bedroom. That's why it pains me so greatly to see what I consider to be a waste of her remarkable talents. Yes, Lestat is my all time favorite book. I have read it over a hundred times. (that's saying a lot, seeing as I'm only 15 years old). In fact Anne's first three books are, in my opinion, the greatest books ever written, vampire or not. So I know what she's capable of. To me she will always be Madame Nightmare.

Now I know Anne's been on this Jesus tip ever since Katrina and that's fair enough. To each his own. And I assume she believes she's doing God's work by spending all her time now preaching the Gospel. But if you want to know what I think, God has enough preachers of the Gospel already. Her dark gifts are so incredibly unique that NOT using them is a sin. My favorite quote is one by Red Skelton. "Talent is God's gift to you. Using that talent is your gift to God."

Madame Nightmare, we miss you. You revolutionized a genre only to become just another voice in the choir. You owe it to yourself, and to God, to wield the powers you've been given. Be true to yourself. That's all God would ever ask of you.

Your Superfan,

Lara Baxter

Puke Flick Marathon

2009-11-22T02:38:00.001-08:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5823. Greetings my Wiccan Wackos. I really wasn't feeling school today so I pretended to be sick. To fake sick: sneak out on the roof about 40 minutes before parents wake up. Smoke an ENTIRE pack of cigarettes, one after another. Come inside. Cold shower, gargle Robitussen (to eliminate cigarette smell). You will puke right about when they wake up. Then you will be all pale, cold, and shaky. Parents are terrified of Pig Flu. They will keep you home for a week.

Anyway, I've decided to entertain myself with a good ol' Horror marathon at Dad's expense. On Demand! Whatever, he won't get the cable bill till next month. Cross that bridge when I get to it. I think I was inspired by the 28 Hours Later film festival and decided to have one of my own. Raymond heard about my endeavor and made a batch of his special brownies in support.

A Haunting in Connecticut: Am I a jerk for thinking this is the stupidest title ever? Maybe they thought if they mentioned a specific location it would be scary because it sounds more real or something. Unfortunately, it just sounds lame, like when people give their dogs human names. “This is my dog Richard.” Assholes. Anyway, this is one of those haunted house movies where they tell you at the beginning that it’s based on a true story. Then they have stupid things happening like a ghost walking by in the background while the characters go about their business without seeing the ghost. And you’re like, ‘well if nobody saw that ghost, how the fuck do you know that really happened?” Morons. Also, I still haven’t forgiven Virginia Madsen for her stupid Oscar speech about grapes. BUT! It was entertaining. I have to say watching all the weird voodoo rituals was fun, and there was TONS of gore. I had nightmares about being burned alive that night.

The Haunting of Molly Hartley: This chick’s mom is in an asylum and she and her rich dad move to a new town where she starts having weird like terror-visions. And her mom keeps coming to her and saying there is something uber-fucked up about their family. This is one of those movies that wants to ‘keep you guessing.’ The problem with these movies is that you guess so many outcome variations that you’re pretty much never surprised. Anyway, if worth seeing, it’s for the scene when she breaks the popular girl’s face.

The Unborn: So this chick’s mom was in an asylum and then she killed herself. Now she lives with her rich dad. She starts having like, terror-visioins…are you thinking what I’m thinking? YES. ME TOO. You gotta think, with all the jackasses in the world writing screenplays, couldn’t they find a different PLOT. Whatever, the chick needs to find out why her family’s fucked up and fix it or else…I don’t know, she gets anally raped by Satan. I stopped paying attention. And what's with all these actresses looking like other actresses. Like that Kate Beckinsale clone in the latest Underworld movie. I think her name was Kate Smeckinshale. The chick in this flick looks like Jennifer Connolly. I totally thought that's who it was when I ordered it.

The Uninvited: So THIS chick is IN an asylum. Her mother died in a fire and had terminal cancer, but was not mentally ill (hoorah for the out-of-the-box-thinking here!) At the beginning the chick’s rich dad comes to pick her up at the asylum and bring her home, and tells her that while she was away he has married the whore-of-a-nurse who took care of her mom before she died. The chick starts to suspect that the whore-of-a-nurse killed her mom and is a serial killer. She sets out to find out who the whore really is. The chick is all like ‘arrrg I’m tortured on the inside and I’m suffering.’ Whatever.

Wicked Little Things: OK so at this point I was pretty stoned, but this movie has the CUTEST kids in it. They’re all feral and savage ghosty-kids who rip people apart and eat them, but they’re dressed all Oliver Twist orphany cute. This movie almost made me want to have kids of my own some day. See these ghosty-kids are from 1912, when a greedy coal-miner left them underground to perish in an explosion so he could make off with the coal and not pay them for their work. Needless to say the little ghosties are PISSED. Good revenge flick. The main characters sucked- wanted them to die. But the kids rule.

Enough: I don’t know why I thought this was a horror movie. I realized later that I had accidentally somehow changed the channel from Movies on Demand to Oxygen. Anyway Jennifer Lopez is an abused wife. It’s pretty great at the beginning because her husband punches her in the face. Then a little later he kicks the living crap out of her. Then it’s boring, boring, buzzkill, boring, then suddenly at the end she becomes a badass and WRECKS his shit. That part was enjoyable. Is that Jesus? Yeah, Jenny's married to Jesus! The guy from The Passion Of The Christ. Best Horror movie ever, by the way, in my opinion. Took torture porn to new heights. Still waiting for the sequel. They totally hinted at it when his shadow like comes back from the dead at the end. What do you think? The Revenge Of The Christ? When Christ is like some crazed zombie killer out to get all the Jews? Yeah, I'd go see that!

I Sell the Dead: I eat another brownie. Blazed again. There is a pretty amazing scene in this movie with a vampire waking up and dying again like three times. It’s hilarious. Especially if you’re stoned out of your brain.

Orphan: A lot like The Good Son with Macauley Culkin, except I guess an evil little Russian girl is way more likable than a creepy blondy boy. Anyway I’m running out of steam here, people. There is a stupid twist at the end, but I really didn’t see it coming and it was pretty funny. You of course root for the evil little kid. OK gore factor. Nun-murder.

Saw: torture porn
Saw II: torture porn
Saw III: torture porn
Saw VI: torture porn- fun to watch a pirated copy Ray picked up for me in NYC from a sketchy dude in the subway. Ray is nice to me because he knows I know he’s gay.

Hard Candy: AMAZING. Made me kind of want to make out with Ellen Page. Although she does not look my age! I don't know how she keeps getting away with it.

Away We Go: TERRIFYING. Stoned again. Meant to demand something else. This was the scariest of the lot. Pretentious. All contrived ‘moodiness.’ Made me NEVER want to be in my thirties. Might have to pull a Kurt Cobain.

District 9: Totally awesome. Sad at times though. Haven’t cried this hard since Turner and Hooch. Wait, didn't I already review this movie? Whatever, it's much better on brownies.

Whew! I'm pooped! I think I need to detox. Throw on my Buffy DVDs for a while. Yes, Buffy rules! Fuck off!

Oh, snap! Anne Rice disses New Moon!

2009-11-21T20:58:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5922. Greetings my Venomous Vampires. So Anne Rice, on her Facebook Fanpage said the following:

Please understand, I am not "comparing" Jane Eyre or Rebecca to Twilight and New Moon. I am saying that the films I saw, Twilight and New Moon, are in the tradition of female romance. Bronte and De Maurier are outstanding examples of that type of novel. I can't judge Ms. Meyer's work as I haven't read it. Of course these movies are for very young teenagers. That is part of their intent.

Did you hear that? She called Twatlight baby stuff! Notice the emphasis on 'very' young teenagers. What's that, like, eleven? Twelve? I think a thirteen year old would already feel kind of insulted about being called a 'very young teenager'. I'm 15 and I sure as hell ain't no very young teenager. The fact that it's a little Mills and Boon for little girls is kind of sick! I mean these readers are going straight from Judy Bloom to Twatlight! And that's what grown ups don't get. It's not us outsiders that are into these books. It's the popular kids that are into it. They form whole societies around it. Like some kind of Dungeons and Dragons for lonely heart teenage girls. Personally, I can't bear the fact that emotions have become such a group activity. I mean, seriously! Nothing is sacred anymore. It used to be the boys that would kiss and tell. And the boys? Well, I kind of feel sorry for them. None of them will ever measure up to these deluded dreamers' idea of masculinity. I think some real damage is being done here. On a mass cultural scale. We're going to have a whole generation of hopelessly romantic women, all of whom will be able to trace all their problems to the day some so called friend passed them a copy of New Moon. I'm telling you, this is a massive step backwards for the Women's movement. That is the danger of Twatlight. Not what the Catholic Church is griping about, which is basically that it's witchcraft or whatever. In regards to that Anne says.

I'm not criticizing the Catholic church because the Pontifical Council on Culture criticized New Moon. I'm simply amazed that the Vatican took any notice at all of New Moon. I've never been noticed by the Vatican, and I never expect to be. I think it's kind of...well...interesting that New Moon caught their attention.

If I didn't know better, I would say that Anne was a tad jealous of the Twatlight phenomena. Of course Anne has nothing to prove to anyone. And as if twenty million twelve year old raving female fans are any kind of measure of greatness. Don't sweat it, Anne. Stephanie Meyer has nothing on you. And don't stoop to read the books. They are unworthy of your brilliant mind.

My first review gets published!

2009-11-20T07:40:00.001-08:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5821. Greetings my Undead Underlings. Guess what?!! Yours truly has just had her first review published! Yeah!!! How cool am I? I mean, somewhere other than my blog. Here's the link:

MYMAVRA.COM

The site is really cool, too. They'll do like multiple reviews of flicks and put them all together wo you can get different viewpoints. And they have great interviews that can go on for like several days and all the site members can ask questions and the interviewee can like answer them whenever he or she gets around to it. Pretty novel approach. I'm very excited about this. They say your first is always the hardest. Not that I want to be a film critic or whatever. I want to be a novelist. Yeah, I know, I was toying with the whole screenwriting idea but in the end I think I just want to follow in Anne's footsteps. I know I'll never be as good but I can't be any worse than Stephanie Meyer. New Moon is breaking all kinds of records at the box office. They say when the smoke clears it might give Titanic a run for its money as the biggest grossing film of all time. Unbelievable. I'm so embarrassed for my sex. How could we stoop so low. Millions upon millions of pubescent females descending upon local multiplexes with the fervor of religious fanatics. I half expect them to start walking around the theaters in a circle ala the Haj. Psycho zealots! All to see another vampire vs werewolf fairy tale. I refuse to fall in line! Twatlight will never get me! As long as there's such a thing as good taste in this world there will be those of us fighting the ilks of the romantically challenged, culturally bankrupt and morally askew Twatlighters! We few! We sad, sad few! We will hold firm against the waves of bobby-soxer delirium! We...

Oh, I give up! What's the use? Not like I'm going to change anybody's mind out there. It is what it is, I suppose. It's just no fun even being a Goth anymore! It's like the whole reason I became a Goth was to rebel. Now I have to rebel against other Goths. AAARGHH! Fuck you Stephanie Meyer for selling out my genre! It was never meant to be this effing popular! We're effing misfits for Chrissake! I think I'm going to go and mope.

Slayer, Testament, Megadeath!

2009-11-19T03:12:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5820. Hello my Tea-Totaling Tele-Tubbies. Don't know what to write about today. I'm studying like crazy for stupid exams. No time for pleasantries. So I'm letting everybody know about the most awesome concert tour to come in a while. It's called the American Carnage Tour. SLAYER, TESTAMENT and MEGADEATH! Those are like three of the best bands EVER! I'm so there.

Check it out:

METAL UNDERGROUND

I sort of have a new friend at school. She's the new kid. Her name is Melissa. I don't know though. She talks a lot. I mean, a lot. What's up with people who talk a lot? Like, if you don't stop her, she'll just keep going. She'll, like, tell you what she had for breakfast. When you think about it, people like that make awful friends. It's really just a sign of self-centeredness. Think about it. You just don't care about the other person in the supposed conversation. If you did, you might, like, stop and ask a question or something. I'm always asking questions. Because I care. As if. No, I don't think I can be friends with Melissa. She's a huge Anne Rice fan and everything but it's not like she can tell me anything about Anne Rice I don't already know.

In larger news, the U.S. Senate is about to vote on Obama's Health Care Bill. The House O' Reps already passed it. Obama's presidency is basically hanging on this thing. It's like he went all in with his first hand. Crazy. If it passes his presidency is already a roaring success. It's historic. If not, he will be seen as an ineffective president. And it will just be remembered as a little footnote. And it's all hanging on a couple of rogue Democratic Senators. Very exciting stuff. It's funny, the rest of the world is kind of dissing Obama already. The Asians this week pretty much told him to stick it. America's might is not what it was. China is our Daddy, now. We owe them a whole mess of chopsticks. Even the Japanese want us to get our troops out of there. Guess that's what you get when people get to see the Emperor's new clothes. Our financial collapse has seriously chinked the old armor. Cause it's all an illusion, man. The whole friggin thing. Like the Matrix. Dad explained it to me. He works in a bank. The money doesn't really exist. It's all debt. If everyone suddenly tried to take their money out of the bank at once, it wouldn't be there. Cause only like 1% of it actually exists. That's just nuts!

Also, Killing Boxx is having a contest for signed Wicked Pixel DVDs! Check it out:

KILLING BOXX CONTEST

Anne Rice and the Shroud of Turin

2009-11-18T05:51:00.001-08:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5819. Hello my Sanctimonious Salamanders. What is the world coming to?! Anne Rice is so engrossed in her Jesus studies, I'm starting to worry about her. On her Facebook page she writes:

"The Shroud of Turin is such a delicious mystery. The photographs made from it, the different studies, the questions as to its authenticity, all conspire to make it an enduring focus of attention. I wonder if we will ever know what it really is."

For those not in the know, the Shroud of Turin is supposed to be this sheet that was covering Jesus after his death and basically his image got imprinted on it.

My response:
Can I just point out that radio-carbon dating tests on the 'shroud' place the origin of the material it is printed on about a 1000 years after Christ's supposed existence? But who would let a little thing like science get in the way of blind faith. While I'm at it, can I point out that the Jesus myth is actually a rehash of the Egyptian Horus myth? Complete with virgin birth, crucifixion and resurrection. Jesus' birth also coincides with the exact moment of the beginning of the Age of Pisces (which we are now in). Anyway, you have to question the rationality of persons who treat religious text as historical record. I don't even trust so-called historical record of the very recent past. Like did we really go to the moon a mere 7 years after we first went into space? Logic would preclude at least fifty years before technology was so capable. And they'll have us believe that that little bubble wrapped in gold foil is all it took? If you buy that, I've got a bridge in Brooklyn that's on sale.

Here's a picture of our flag waving proudly on the moon (on which there is no wind).

But I digress. I'm not saying there isn't a God. I'm just saying that the arrogance it takes for someone to claim to 'know' God astounds me. Believe all you want. Believe in something. Something greater than us. Something purer. Just don't try to speculate what 'it' is. Appreciation of its un-knowability is the true essence of faith. Anything else amounts to nothing more than the chasing of one's proverbial tail.

Puke Flick Review - Thankskilling

2009-11-17T04:00:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5818. Hello my Raunchy Reindeer. Okay, so being a privileged member of the media, I was lucky enough to receive an early screener of Thankskilling. It comes out today and I strongly recommend that you stuff this one into your DVD collection. Only one thing. If you plan on watching it on Thanksgiving, I'd do it before dinner.

This is shlock horror at it's very best. It's like Meet the Feebles meets Toxic Avenger meets Rocky Horror meets Triumph the Insult Comic. Turkey is hilarious! Granted if you're looking for some profound realism, you won't be finding it here. This is pure horror farce. Like when Turkey kills a guy while he's doing his girlfriend from behind then takes over. When the girlfriend finally realizes what just happened, turkey says, "Ha ha, you've been stuffed!" Ha ha indeed! Or when Turkey rips off this girl's father's face and then wears it ala Leatherface and fools everyone. "Hello, Daddy," the daughter says. I mean, this is a turkey, we're talking about! I was rolling on the floor the whole time. It might've helped that Raymond made some of his special brownies beforehand. He said the occasion definitely called for it. And boy was he right! I haven't had this much fun since Lionel's mother's ear fell into the pudding (Dead Alive).

The gore is splatterricious! Turkey doesn't really have a modus operandi per say, he likes to mix and match, get creative in his kills. But kill he does. Everyone. The cast is suitably over the top with a group of overgrown teenagers leading the charge. The flick is totally indie so it has that sweet rough around the edges low budget feel that I've always felt actually gives these flicks character. You can tell the guys that made it really had a good time doing it. I mean, it's not the kind of flick I'd make but then I'm a broody Goth and they're nutty shlock guys. Well, done, fellas. 360 degrees for five hours. That's a turkey joke.

Anyway, this movie is made with unquenchingly bad taste and a shamelessness rarely found in movies. If you're into your exploitation, you owe it to yourself to get this one:

THANKSKILLING

I give it 5 stars. 4 if you're out of weed.

Awesome Person of the Week - Will Phillips

2009-11-16T04:54:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5817. Hello my Quirky Queers. This week I bring you Will Phillips, an awesome Arkansas ten year old who actually REFUSED to say the pledge of allegiance! Why didn't I ever think of that? He was protesting Gay Rights of all things! He says all people are not equal in this country because Gays can't marry! He's ten freakin' years old! Will's all over the news now. He and that Miss California beeyatch should have a debate. That should be a new show - Are you dumber than a supermodel? Ha Ha Ha! He's not gay, by the way, although all the kids at school have started calling him 'Gaywad.' When asked what that meant, he said it "was some sort of discriminatory name for homosexuals." And Dad didn't put him up to it like Balloon Boy's dad. Will just happens to be a very intelligent little man. He skipped third grade! I did too, actually. So did Helen. Actually she skipped 4th, just to get even with me. Lately my grades have dropped. I just don't care anymore. Certain subjects just piss me off. Like Math! What the hell am I gonna do with Math?! People don't count anymore! Anyway, I'm a creative person. I know, I'm one of those dreamers who thinks her shit don't stink. So fuck it! I am! If I can't make a living being creative I'll be a crazy bag lady. Damn it, I know I can write. At least as good as Stephanie Meyer. That bitch never wrote a damn thing before Twatlight. I've written like ten short stories and am starting on a zombie script. I think scriptwriting is easier that prose. I mean, the only time the writer really gets to shine is in the dialogue. Everything else is just autowrite. Anyway, we should be able to choose our subjects. Like they do in college. What, we're not smart enough to figure out what the hell we want to do with our lives at our age? You think Will Phillips doesn't know? Can somebody say, Politics? Maybe one day he runs against one of the Obama girls for Pres. I can see it. Go Li'l Will Phill! Say that ten times real fast.

Anyway, here's the article in Huff Post

Superfan gets UGLY

2009-11-15T02:59:00.001-08:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5916. Hello my Portly Porpoises. So for the past 2 days I've been having this online brawl with this lamo skank named Lisa French on the Superfan Site. The bitch has no life and has decided to take me on as the Anne Rice Superfan! Can you believe it?!!! Moi?!!! Everybody knows I'm the true Anne Rice Superfan! This poser slut has over 700 Superfan pages and just figures she's going to usurp Anne Rice too! Not a chance! I will take this to the Supreme Courth if I have to! I think she's like a shut-in or something. Who the hell has that much time on their hands?! I'm starting a Facebook hate group against her. I'm sure some of my close to 4000 friends on Facebook will assist. I plan to make her life hell until she gives up the Anne Rice Superfan page!!!

Anyway, here's a transcript of our altercation:

Me:

"There can only be one Anne Rice superfan! That's me!"

Anne Rice

hmmm hard to believe you're "the true Anne Rice superfan" when you haven't done anything to improve her profile page... it would be great if you were to upload some pics to show your support! :))))
hmmm. Get a life. Skank.
lol that's no way to talk to someone who congratulated you on leveling up! Perhaps if you were nicer I would let you keep Anne Rice! :))
I've read the vampire chronicles over a hundred times! I have a blog dedicated to Anne Rice! You have two hundred other superfan pages!
I've been reading Anne Rice novels since I was in high school 24 years ago - and I have over 700 SuperFaves... so what's your point exactly?
OMG! I'm in high school now and my Mom says I'm too old for this stuff. Are you like a shut in? Get out and get some air!
you are only 15 years old yet claim to have read a 10-part book series, hundreds of times... and you tell me to get some fresh air? LMAO!!!
Oh, you poor, sad, old thing. Is this what you do between hot flashes?

Then some other bitch chimes in:

No need to be mean about it....
Who the hell are you, skankopotomus? Mind your own business and go blow yourself!

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Edit your comment below. Who the hell are you, skankapotumus? Mind your own business and go blow yourself!

lol it's ok Michelle, clearly she is a child who hasn't been taught any better by her parents. You should've seen the private messages! She has a very foul mouth and does NOT deserve to be the SuperFan... So I'll just continue to steal it back and hopefully gain some attention for this awesome author! :))) What she seems to forget is that she in fact stole this fave from someone else before I stole it from her! lol :)))

You bunch of lol'rs make me want to puke!

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Edit your comment below. You bunch of lol'rs make me want to puke!

isn't it past your bedtime yet? LMAO
uh, oh, granny French is getting angry! All out of Ben Gay?

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Edit your comment below. uh, oh, granny French is getting angry! All out of Ben Gay?
wow you really are very childish! oh wait you ARE A CHILD! LOL

Posted 1 hour ago by Lisa French

Happy Dark Sabbath! More Oya Pics!

2009-11-13T06:13:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5914. Greetings my Ominous Omens. And Happy Dark Sabbath. Friday, the 13th, of course. In honor of this momentous occasion, the third in this year of the Ox. I have always loved Friday the 13th and this one, so close to Halloween seems to have extra significance. The 2012 flick comes out today. Can't wait to check out the end of the world. I think this flick is going to start a total panic all over the world as this heretofor privileged information becomes accessible to the general public. That is truly the power of the cinema. The ability to reach the most number of people and deliver information in a completely understandable way. Through imagery. Through entertainment. This panic is going to become self fulfilling as people start to have shorter and shorter goals. Society will begin to crumble. And everything will go to shit. You see, we don't really need an asteroid or a nuclear holocaust to to create like a Mad Max scenario. All we have to do is stop trying. The only reason we exist and enjoy the lifestyles we do today is because of the constant, endless upkeep it requires. We spend our days trudging off to school or to work just to perpetuate this dance. It is the ultimate beehive mentality. By 'working', all you're doing is maintaining the status quo. There is the illusion of personal gain but really it's almost entirely altruistic. We do it for the sake of the hive. And don't kid yourself that you don't. I don't care if you're a big shot lawyer or if you flip burgers, you are simply a link in the chain. What happens when we stop caring about the chain? What if we lose faith in its strength? Last year the financial collapse was the first crack in the foundation of our precious society. These are all abstract thoughts but on a practical level think of all the factory worker's kids growing up with the internet, with access to visions of a better life. Mine is a generation of dreamers that thinks its shit don't stink. So who's going to man all your factories? Who's going to drive your garbage trucks? Who's going to to all that Dirty Jobs shit our parents did? No one. We are on the road to destruction and we don't even know it. I sure as hell ain't working in no bank like Dad! That's my Friday the 13th doomsday prediction. Hope it made you feel all fuzzy inside.

Went by the Freakatorium today and Max gave me TWO Oya pictures cause he knows that Friday the 13th is like my favorite day of the year. So here they are! They depict Oya's 'journey to the New World'. Having wiped out the Spanish Conquistadors who massacred her Mayan worshippers, the Vampire Oya headed north. She drank the blood of animals to survive but they kept her weak and of a foul disposition.

By the time Oya finally saw a human, she was too weak to take him. Instead, she was overpowered and taken herself. She had died a virgin. Now her undead body was being defiled and she was powerless to stop it.

Badass Bitch Of The Week - Elizabeth Lambert

2009-11-12T07:09:00.001-08:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5813. Hello my Perky Polka-Dots. So this chick is like my new hero. Her name is Elizabeth Lambert and she doesn't take ANY shit! I'm going to have to start getting into Women's Soccer. Enjoy.

Mad or Muhammad?

2009-11-10T04:28:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5811. Greetings my Mad Muhammads. First of all, some quick Anne Rice news. Meet Anne Rice tomorrow from 1 till 5 at the Barnes and Nobles in New Orleans. I wish I could make it. Anne, come to New York!!! It's definitely a dream of mine to meet Anne Rice. I've imagined the moment like a zillion times. I mean, I've had long conversations with her in my head. In real life I'd probably pass out. Right there in the home improvement aisle. They'd need to get the old smelling salts out in Barnes and Nobles. How embarrassment. Those of you lucky enough to live in New Orleans (I wish), definitely check it out. And if you do, tell her to check out my blog!

In other, much less exciting news, tonight they execute that D.C. sniper dude, John Allen Muhammad. Johnny Boy went and shot a bunch of people in Washington D.C. like six years ago. I remember it cause Mom was all freaking out and made us stay home for like a week. That's where we lived at the time. It would have been fun except Mom didn't even let me leave the house. I thought it was kind of silly. The thought of someone shooting a 9 year old girl was pretty ridiculous. Then again, he did shoot a kid. Actually he didn't really do any of the shooting. He had this kid, Lee Boyd Malvo do his dirty work. The kid was like terrified of him. I always thought it was kind of an interesting story. I mean, I'm sorry to the victims' families and all, but this dude is a pretty fascinating case study. He wasn't your typical loon. He had his shit together. He was ex military and evil as all fuck. He later claimed he did it to get back at his wife. Sure, blame the female. But he was also, as his name would suggest, a Muslim.

So we get to the nitty gritty. Now the last people I want to insult is Muslims so I've gotta go easy. If there's one thing that is generally generalized about Muslims, it's their famous lack of a sense of humor. Remember the Dutch Muhammad cartoons that basically started riots? Yikes! Get a hold of yourselves. It's a cartoon, for Muhammad's sake! Don't know how those South Park guys still don't have a Fatwa on them. Durka, Durka! Anyway, I couldn't help but think about how Johnny's execution just happened to be this week. The week that a certain Major Nidal Malik Hasan went on a rampage and killed 13 people, mostly American soldiers and wounding 30 others. Dude fired more than a hundred rounds. That's some serious conviction. This happened on an army base! I mean, if there's one place you'd think you'd feel safe, it'd be a freakin army base! Everyone's got a gun! But this dude went all Rambo on us and basically wiped out an entire battalion! But the best part? He was a psychiatrist!

So now everyone is talking about how these pricks were really insane. All the bleeding heart liberals are crying social injustice. And I guess they have a point. If someone is genuinely mentally ill, it would seem a tad cruel to execute them. Not to mention unusual. I've never understood that - cruel and unusual. Ah, it's cruel, but is it unusual? Is that like a measure of creativity or something? Like the Saw flicks. Anyway, the question really is, are they just a couple of nutters or are they actually soldiers in our great 'War On Terror'. By the way, Nostradamus predicted a 26 year war with the Muslims. He also predicted the end of the world in 2012.

The one thing that really sets these guys apart from your usual 'spree killers' is the sheer fact that they are still alive (at least for a few more hours in Muhammad's case). Most spree killers like to finish off the event with that ultimate of crescendos, a bullet to the head. These fellows had no such inclination. Sure, they were prepared to die. I'm not saying that. But! Did they want to die? See, humans are the only creatures capable of a death wish. Survival is the most basic instinct we have. It is the stuff of every single Horror flick ever made. Self preservation. I firmly believe this, but suicide is the result of mental disorder. And girls, if you're contemplating, stop! Another reason I hate friggin Twatlight! There is something seriously wrong with a line like 'Death was peaceful. Easy. Life is harder.' in a movie aimed at impressionable adolescents! Seriously!

Anyway, back to the Mad Muhammads. Now I don't have anything against Muslims (other than the fact that they suppress women and stone women and basically see women as property like a pet goat or something), but they are a little nutty to begin with. I really think the key to sanity is a sense of humor. An ability to laugh life off, as it were. But I won't go as far as calling a third of humanity mentally ill. Fanaticism might seem crazy to most of us but at the end of the day it is just passion, misguided though it may be. And there are plenty of perfectly lovely Muslims, misguided though they might be.

Then there's the final question. How do they see themselves? If they see themselves as soldiers are they entitled to the rules of the Geneva Convention? I really hope Rambo Shrink lives (he was shot a couple times - by a kick ass babe no less!). I'd really like to hear his story. We know he was in contact with some cleric dude in Yemen. Sounds suspicious. And he might never admit it for fear of arousing suspicion on other 'sleeper cells' but, hey, Houston, I think we've got a problem. The enemy may have infiltrated our ranks. This is not the first instance of an American Muslim soldier turning on his comrades. Remember Sargeant Hasan Akbar, who grenaded his unit in Iraq? I'm just saying.

All these guys will surely get death. The death penalty itself is something I feel pretty strongly about but that's for another blog post. For the time being, though, I'd keep an eye on our Muslim troops. Especially ones named 'Hasan'. In Rambo Shrink's case the red lights should have been going off all over the place. And if they really love the 'corp' or whatever, they probably shouldn't mind. After all it might save their lives too.

Tattoo Of The Week - Monkey Butt

2009-11-06T03:38:00.001-08:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5807. Greetings my Indifferent Indigents. New feature this week. Send in your tats if you want on. Still reeling over the Yankees winning the World Series! I know, you're sick of me talking about it. Watching a lot of TV. God, commercials suck! Especially those effing Free Credit Report Dot Com commercials. Somebody string that guy up! Worst part is they get in your head and you find yourself singing them all day long. Like that 1800 GET SLIM commercial.

Let your new life begin
call 1800 GET SLIM.

It doesn't even fucking rhyme! Begin does not rhyme with slim! I guess not much rhymes with slim. And what the hell are they advertising? Fat surgery? Jesus! Can you imagine that getting stuck in a fat person's head? That's like singing I'm a fatty fat slob and I look like a flabby blob to yourself all day long. What, at least it rhymes.

Still staying home sick. Being sick rules!

Celebration Time, Come On!

2009-11-05T05:27:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5806. Hello my Headless Hedons. So I've been getting completely wasted all night. These Yankees are going to turn me into a full fledged alcoholic. Goooo Yankees!!! What an awesome post-season. It's like all the investments of the past eight years finally paid off all at once. Godzilla finally came out of the water and stomped all over Philadelphia. The Shaved Caveman finally crawled out of his cave. And a certain 30 million dollars a year finally paid off.

Jeter might have hit 400 and sparked the offense but Alex had more 'hero' moments than anyone ever. I guess that comes with being a home run hitter. I think he was finally comfortable on the big stage. New York can be intimidating. Maybe it took the steroid confession to warm him to the fans. At the end of the day he just showed his humanity. And that kind of brought us closer to him. Does that make sense? Anyway, you rock, A Rod! Welcome to the Yankees.

Cap'n Jeets gets his fifth ring! Halfway to tie Yogi Berra's ten. And check out this little trophy (Jeets' flame, Minka Kelly):

Enjoy him while you can, bitch!

The Yankees Win #27!!!

2009-11-04T13:02:00.001-08:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5805. Greetings my Gargling Gargoyles. The Yankees have just won their 27th World Championship!!! Who's Your Daddy!

Congratulations to Hideki Matsui for winning World Series MVP. He hit 600 with 3 home runs - something only done by one other guy - Babe Ruth. They could have given it to Cap'n Jeets. He hit 400 and actually played the field. But I think he'll be happy with A.L. MVP, which I'm sure he'll get. And Matsui deserves it. He hit a monster, Godzilla-sized home run against Pedro and the Yanks never looked back. I'm sure the Japanese are all getting drunk off saki. This comes 8 years to the day since the Yanks lost the 2001 series with Arizona. The first series I watched. I was only seven but I was hooked. The Yanks had brought the city of a deep, dark depression after 911. They should have won that series. But this feels like they've finally made up for it. They are once again, World Champions.

In all the Phillies power offense was shut down by our three horsemen, Andy (The Warrior) Pettite, C.C. (Black) Sabathia, and A.J. (Killer Curve) Burnett. Johnny Damon stole the pivotal game 4 and the Phils never recovered. And our offense was pretty offensive. It is kind of a dream team of power bats. A-Rod had 18 RBI for the post season, 1 shy of the record - good for him.

There'll be a lot of haters crying about how the Yankees 'bought the Championship' with expensive players. So let me tell you something. Yes, our guys get paid well. And guess what, they're worth every penny. Maybe you should be blaming your broke ass team for their problems. Competition doesn't end on the field. The Yanks invest in their team because they care about being the best. And yeah, they're a bunch of over achievers but you need a team to go all the way. A real team. A group of guys who like and respect each other. And no matter how good you are, there's no way to have an ego on this team. Everywhere you turn you feel humbled. On one side there's the Japanese Babe Ruth (Matsui), on another is probably the greatest home run hitter of all time (A-Rod), turn again and their might just be the greatest post season hitter of all time (Jeets). Oh, you turned again? That's just the all time winningest pitcher in the post season history (Pettitte). What, again? Just the greatest Closer of all time (Mo). Forget about it. I dare you to have some attitude. Babe Ruth himself would have been humbled on this team. So the Phillies shouldn't feel too bad. They put up a good fight but they were no match for the Yanks this year. This fall classic was truly a classic. Go get Halladay and we'll see you next year. Finally, to put the Yanks success into perspective, the next three winningest teams combined Championship wins amount to 26. Cards - 10, A's - 9, Red Sox - 7. Now that's a tradition of kicking some serious ass! Congrats, Yanks! Enjoy the moment. You deserve it.

Band of the Week - Temple Of Echoes

2009-11-03T01:49:00.001-08:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5804. Hello my Flagellated Falafels. Not a hell of a lot going on today. Had to see Doc Wallace. He makes house calls. Mom calls him every chance she gets. I think he's pretty tired of the Baxters. He prescribed some antibiotics and assured Mom it wasn't pig flu and now I have to go back to school. What if I do get pig flu, dammit?! doesn't anybody realize that our schools are like biohazard zones?! They need to call the whole school year off, if you ask me. How many students have to die before they fucking do something about it?! I'm sorry but an A in English is not worth my life! Fuck school. What a load of horseshit, anyway. Just an excuse for morbid manchildren to relive their unrequited daydreams. And that's the teachers I'm talking about. Then again I could be one of those strange home schooled kids. Talk about social problems. I guess being a pariah is better than being a hermit. Who would have thought.

Anyway. Today I bring you an awesome Gothish band called Temple of Echoes. I'm absolutely in lust with the lead singer, Wes Stanton. His vocals never fail to make me feel all tingly in all the right places. That's the kind of man I need. A rocker. None of this jock bullshit. Jocks are jocks cause they have small peckers. Everybody knows that. Anyway, my favorite song of theirs is called Snakes. Check out their Myspace:

TEMPLE OF ECHOES

A blah day

2009-11-02T12:52:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5803. Greetings my Earnest Emus. So the Yankees lost tonight. What a bummer. Cap'n Jeets grounded into a double play with the tying runs on base and nobody out in the ninth. Double bummer. But we have to be happy about taking two out of three at their stadium. At least now we're out of there. No more 'rally hankies'. What's that about? Looks like the fans are waving a bunch of white surrender flags. And that freaky mascot that looks like a green Big Bird? Lame. Thank God the Yankees don't have a mascot or stupid rally crap. Maybe if they were like black hankies. That would really fuck up the other team. Or maybe we could wave bloody effigies of their mutilated children. Maybe that's going too far. Hey, I've come up with a nickname for our giant, C.C. Sabathia. Black Sabathia. What do you think? And no, it's not cause he's black. It's cause his last name is Sabathia! Get it? Black Sabbath? Oh, forget it. Yankees lead the World Series 3 games to 2.

Website of the Week - The Killing Boxx

2009-11-01T19:42:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5802. Hello my Demonic Doo-Hickies. I have a Halloween hangover. So many costumes! Raymond and I went to manhattan and checked out the Halloween Parade. I did the vampire thing again. It was pretty awesome.

Yankees have won the past two days and are now only one win away from their 27th World Series Championship! The Phillies are putting up a fight but the Yanks just seem to squeeze it out every time. A Rod keeps getting the big hits. Cap'n Jeets has like 7 already. He's always in the middle of all the scoring. I'm expecting him to do something big tonight. He is Mr. November, after all. Although he kind of got that nickname like Obama got the Nobel Prize, with his first hit in November. Not saying he has anything to prove, just that this would be a good chance to really cement it.

First they beat a pitcher named Cole Hamels. I kept calling him Camels Hole. That's like the funniest baseball name since Albert Pujols. But tonight it was Johnny Damon with a classic double steal on the shift in the ninth. That's like really sophisticated baseball speak for all you lay people. Ha! Lay people. That's funny.

See, the shift is when the guy at the plate (batting) has a reputation for pulling the ball like the guy hitting after Damon, Mark Texeira. So all the infielders shift over to that side of the field to block as many holes on that side as possible. The problem with the shift is that there's nobody guarding third base. It's a sacrifice that usually pays off. But Johnny Damon knew he could exploit it. After stealing second Johnny just mosied on over to third. Hilarious. There was nobody to throw the ball to. The significance? Having a guy on third base eliminated Brad Lidge's (the pitcher) best pitch, the curveball which often ends up in the dirt. It was a tie game so if the ball got away from the catcher, Damon would score the winning run. So Lidge started throwing fastballs. A Rod likes fastballs. So does Posada. The game was over quick. But it's the double steal in the World Series that will be talked about for ever and ever.

Speaking of people talking, I can't stop hearing about Paranormal Activity, the number one movie in America. It was made for like ten grand and has already raked in over 60 million. I have to admit I'm a little curious. It's about a family that suspects that their house is haunted so they put up all this surveillance equipment and the movie is basically that footage. I guess it's the new Blair Witch Project.

It's about time some cool indie stuff began breaking into the mainstream. There's a lot of good film out there that never gets to see the light of day. But, hell, people need entertainment and Hollywood just seems to keep coming up short. The problem, to me, is pretty obvious. The studios have lost touch with what makes a good movie in the first place - the script! I'm always amazed at how much attention to detail is put into the visual aspect of every single frame of these 50 million dollar flicks. Now if only a fraction of that devotion went into the screenwriting! Hollywood is a victim of its own success. The movie business is so risky that all the risk gets taken out of the movies. They become all sterile and formulaic. Horror films are now all remakes of 80's classics. If your movie wasn't already made in the eighties, forget about it. Why should they take a chance on something that's 'unproven'. I've never understood why anyone would want to remake a perfectly good movie. Unless there's like some new technology or like naughty stuff that you couldn't show before. Although I am kind of excited about the new Elm Street. Kelly from Bad New Bears is playing Freddy. Remember, I pointed him out in Watchmen? Good for him. Talk about a comeback. I always knew that kid would turn out no good. I think they'll go for a scarier feel for this new one. I hope Freddy doesn't lose all his charm.

Anyway, I think we're about to see an injection of fresh talent in the movies. All these indies that are being made are going to reveal talent easier than ever before. Other little Hollywoods are going to spring up all over the place. And Hollywood will have to follow suit. I may be a little biased but I actually think blogs like mine are the key. Anyone can start one and have their voices heard. I say whatever the fuck I want and you can read it or not at your discretion. But it's up to us to discover the new talent. Hollywood obviously isn't going to. I read somewhere the other day that they haven't 'discovered' a new star since Julia Roberts. That's like fifty years ago! Nowadays all the stars come from TV and from indies. And who discovers indies? We do! I actually take this very seriously. It is my duty as a a member of the press (which is what I am, essentially) to bring you information you may not have otherwise heard before.

And in so doing I will also sing the praises of others who do the same. This week I bring you The Killing Boxx, a website championing indie film everywhere. The coolest thing about it is the Blood Donors section. I'm still not sure what it's for but it's pretty sweet. You can start your own little page on their site. Check out mine:

THE KILLING BOXX

I had to put that I was over 18 so don't tell anyone that I'm not.

Anyway, Go Yanks! Win one for the new house. The one the Jeter built!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

2009-10-31T02:37:00.001-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5801. Happy Halloween, my Creepy Croutons. Usually my favorite day of the year. This year it's a little depressing. Too old for trick or treat, too young to go fancy costume balls, too mature for high school keg party, too fed up to go to school ball. As you can see I grew pumpkins on my farm to celebrate the occasion.

I don't even know what to write about. My blog is Halloween like 365 days a year so how to ratchet it up a notch? How about this little collection of some of the scariest stuff ever captured on video?

Book Of Oya - The Conquistadors

2009-10-30T01:03:00.001-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5800. Ola, Bloated Blowhards. So I'm getting pretty heavily into Witchcraft. I've joined the Witches Of Facebook, run by the brilliant author, Rochelle Moore. Her book, Beyond The Third Eye, has been helping me get through my tragic life. And I'm starting to combine spells from different religions. Mixing and matching. Obviously Herbert Hoviak's You Do Voodoo (copyright 1981) is insufficient on its own.

Thank you all for your kind words after my awful experience yesterday and I assure you I am completely over it. I have forgotten the name Billy Mathews completely. Of course the story has spread all over the school. Some idiot even wrote 'Evil Twin' on a piece of paper and stuck it on my back. I must've worn it for three periods until Johnny Shotguns told me about it. Helen's taken advantage of my misery by flirting with Billy Mathews at every opportunity. She doesn't give a shit about him. She just wants to piss me off. I've never seen her do anything without an ulterior motive.

But I've learned my lesson. Men are pigs. Never let them have your heart. They'll just stomp on it and throw it in the trash. Not that I'm going to become a lesbian or anything. To tell you the truth, I get along even less with girls, I'm just going to treat men as objects. Toys for my amusement. My heart is now closed for business.

It reminds me of something Mom once said to me. It's never really made much sense to me until now. She said, "The biggest choices in life must be made with your heart, not with your head." I guess I've never been confronted with a 'big choice' before. Maybe when I decided to become a Goth. Anyway, this decision is certainly from my heart, which is now black and cold. All my pain, all my hatred is now focused solely on my sister, Helen. She is the cause of everything! The constant source for comparison. The constant reminder of everything that I should be but refuse to be. The embodiment of everything I stand against. She is my mortal enemy. And if I must be the Evil Twin, so be it! Though I'm convinced it is really she that is evil! Fake! I see through you, Helen Baxter. You don't fool me for a second! You are an sly, self-serving snake and I will never trust you! Bitch!

Fine, enough ranting. I stopped by The Freakatorium today and Max tried to cheer me up by giving me another illustration from the Book Of Oya just in time for Halloween. I have to say, it kind of worked. This one is pretty effing awesome. It's a spread so the actual size is like my height lengthwise. It's incredibly detailed. It must have taken the guy like a year to make this thing.

If you're new to Lara's Thoughts, you need to go back in the blog's history to check out more etchings from the book. Apparently there were only 13 copies ever printed and they were all thought to be lost until Max at the Freakatorium got his hands on one. It tells the story of a vampire supposedly captured by the Freemasons.

Basically, the vampire, Oya lived inside this Mayan pyramid in Chichenitza. She was happy chilling there, getting human sacrifices thrown down to her on a regular basis, then one day it all stopped. She was hungry so she climbed out and saw this scene of utter devastation. The Mayans were being massacred by Spanish Conquistadors. So then she got busy, wiping out the entire Spanish Armada. The book says -

"Those who lived to tale, told of a demon unleashed by the Mayans. That may not have been far from the truth."

In other news, Yankees evened up the World Series at one game a piece, so that cheered me up. Mark Texeira and Hideki Matsui hit homers for the Yanks against their old foe, Pedro Martinez who once literally called the Yankees his 'Daddy'. Bad move. Now, every time he shows his face in Yankees Stadium he's greeted with chants of 'Who's Your Daddy?!' Kind of makes my 'Evil Twin' problem seem pretty insignificant. Sorry, Pedro. Looks like the Yankees are still your Daddy.

Anyway, happy Pumpkin Day tomorrow! And remember, don't invite any vampires into your home. They can't enter if you don't invite them.

I am in Hell!

2009-10-29T12:45:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5799. Hello my Anonymous Alcoholics. I could absolutely die! I want to find a cave and live in it for the rest of my wretched existence! How could I be so stupid! So careless! So much planning! Daily fucking rituals to cast this stupid love spell! And for what?! Goddamn voodoo book doesn't work for shit! I don't think I can ever show my face in school again!

So I went up to him. Billy Mathews. I'd caught him looking at me like three times today. I swear he even winked! None of you better have told him! It took every bit of strength I had. But I did it. I went up to him and I asked him out. He just looked at me and said really loud, "So, you must be Helen's Evil Twin." Then he and all his friends laughed in my face. I almost started to cry right there but I held in the tears. I turned around and walked out of the schoolyard. Then I ran. I ran and I ran until I couldn't breathe anymore. Then I collapsed and started crying like a little baby! I can't believe a man brought me to this state!

But no more tears! I will take my pain and turn it into anger! I will take these tears and turn them into daggers. I know Helen was behind this. I will have my revenge!

And the Yankees lost game 1!

28 Hours Later Horror Marathon

2009-10-28T01:00:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5798. Greetings my Loquacious Locusts. Just finished watching the Scream Awards on Spike TV. They should call them them the Screech Awards cause of all the screeching females in the crowd. At least they had a nice tribute to Romero. Tarantino needs to do some sit ups. And who can beat a category called Best Mutilation? And the Baba Ganush flick (Drag Me To Hell) won Best Picture! Congrats to True Blood for all the kudos though I'm not the biggest fan. Vampires are too cool to reveal themselves to society. Why the hell should they? But at least it has sufficient bloodletting. And yeah, what's with the Twatfest? Since when is Twatlight a horror film?! I like that it won Best Fantasy. That movie is about as realistic as My Little Pony. With more sparkle. There is a group on Facebook called ‘Because I saw Twilight, I have unrealistic expectations of men.’ Remarkable self-awareness. Talk about fantasy: a supernatural superstud who can't go 'all the way.' Dream on, girls.

Anyway, today I want to tell you about a very special film fest happening this weekend called 28 Hours Later. It's actually a 28 hour horror marathon. Damn! I think even I would have trouble sitting through 28 hours of gore. That's like an endurance test to see who can go the longest without puking. Still, it's a challenge. And what a great way to bring in Halloween. If anybody actually sits through the whole 28 hours I'd like to hear about your experience. Do you start hallucinating after a while? I think it could be a life changing experience. Like a sweat lodge or something. Did you hear about those people that died in a sweat lodge? And the dude who organized it is still doing his thing, making lots of money! Welcome to Absurdistan. That's my new name for America.

Anyway, 28 Days Later is on in Fareham, England and organized by Horror UK. And it's absolutely FREE! How cool is that?! Here's a link:

28 HOURS LATER

World Series Game 1 tonight! Go Yanks!

Economics 101

2009-10-27T01:13:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5797. Evening, my Morning Glories. Creeping up on that 6000 mark. Probably due for an oil change. Had a chat with my Dad last night. He works in a bank. He's always talking about getting a promotion. It's like his whole life is a video game. Getting to that next level. Dad has a couple of 'powerful' friends who look out for him, I think. Anyway, he tried to explain economics to me and what little I understood made me sick to my stomach.

Like, right now everyone is all excited cause the Dow or whatever is back at 10,000 points. It went down to like 6,000 last year. It did that cause everybody was selling their stock. The more people want to sell, the less the stock is worth. Well, it basically lost half it's worth. Our country just friggin lost half it's value in like a month.

So I'm like, "what, did somebody notice our smell or something?"

He says, "kinda. A thing is only worth what we collectively think it's worth. And everyone decided it was time to sell." I said, "but why? Don't they know it's going to go up again?" and he said, "that's exactly why."

Huh?

"Yes," he says, "they sell it high and then they buy it back low."

So all that's happened this past year is that all these super rich, greedy fucks just doubled their money! The only bi-product being 15 million American jobs lost give or take. This whole depression (or whatever the hell they're calling it to scare the shit out of us) is really just a great way to fire ten million workers and make a whole lot of dough while you're at it. I said to myself, "Dude, this is some fucked up shit right here." I need to get in on it.

But seriously, there's got to be a better way to do things. I might not be an economist or whatever but even I can see that there's something fishy in this pond. Capitalism works. For the rich! The rest of us are just sacrificial pawns in their little game of world domination. I've decided to check out Michael Moore's Capitalism, A Love Story when it comes out on DVD. I liked his Farenheit 911 though I fell asleep halfway through it. I couldn't believe Bush just sat there reading My Pet Goat while our country was under attack! WTF, man! What was wrong with that guy? Better yet, what was wrong with us for electing him? I mean, I'm not holding out hope for an intellectual to one day get into the White House but you have to draw the line somewhere! That guy was three quarters shy or a dollar. Don't know what that means. I guess it means he had 25 cents. Stupid. Anyway.

Michael Moore is a little crazy but at least he's doing something with his movies. It's like all the other filmmakers just want to make cheesy popcorn flicks. I've been reading a lot of classics lately and there's a great tradition of social commentary in literature. Books used to tell us a lot about ourselves. The only thing movies tell us about ourselves is that we have a short attention span and a general desire to stick our heads in the sand. I don't get it. Even Horror, I think, could be relevant and challenging. I don't see why not. I mean, I love the fact that Horror sucks. That's what makes it so awesome! This absolute lack of pretension. It is what it is and it's not ashamed to be it. But still, it could be so much more. Somebody make a deep horror film. With some real social commentary. Horror doesn't have to suck!

In other news, Helen is talking about running for president of the student council. She'll fucking win, too. And she'll get Homecoming Queen, and Valedictorian, and every other friggin award you can think of. I hate her so much! Clearly I would be a much better choice for president but what chance do I have of winning? Zip! Zilch! Zero! I would get booed off the stage! Even though I'm a writer and she can't string two phrases together without using the word, 'like'. All she has to do is flash those pearly whites and the world's her oyster. God, how unfair!

Anne Rice News - Angel Time Release!

2009-10-26T16:10:00.001-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5796. Hello my Croaky Crocodiles. Lots of Anne Rice news today. Firstly, Angel Time hits bookstores tomorrow. Who's excited? I'm excited! It's basically costing me my entire allowance. Look for a highly biased review on here very soon.

Also, Anne's just started a social networking site all her own. Finally Anne's true fans can unite on a site all our own. Create a profile and cement your allegiance here:

ANNERICE.NING.COM

Make sure you friend me.
Also check out Anne's video conference on Wednesday at 6pm Eastern:

VIDEO CONFERENCE INFO

In other news, I still haven't figured out what to be on Halloween! What to do?! Send thoughts!

The Yankees win the Pennant!

2009-10-25T16:55:00.001-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5795. Greetings my Reckless Wrinkles . Yeaaaaaahhhh! The Yankees are 2009 American League Champions. This is their 40th AL pennant! The sixth and final game of the series was pretty awesome. The Yanks showcased their 'Core Four' - Cap'n Jeets (my love), Andy Petitte (starting pitcher), Jorge Posada (catcher) and Mo (the closer) - the four guys who are still around from the original dynasty like a million years ago. It's kind of crazy how long baseball players play. To think they were winning championships when I was 2 years old. It was pretty special. Sorry, Charlie to the Angels who made a bunch more errors. I think they were kind of overcome by the moment while the Yanks were all old hand about it. I'm celebrating with a bottle of Merlot I stole from the basement. Dad has a creepy little wine closet thing down there and sometimes he leaves it unlocked. None of them are like really old or anything.

Anyway, now the Bronx Bombers will face the Philly Phillies in the World Series. Last time they both attended the 'big dance' was 1950 and the Yanks swept. This time though, the Phillies are defending world champions so this makes it that much more poetic. I mean, if you want to be the best, you have to beat the best, right? What's cooler is that this is the first year of the new Yankee Stadium and it would be nice to christen it with a championship like they did the original. So get ready, Philaldelphia. The Yankees are coming. And their bringing the heat!

Puke Flick of the Week - Drag Me To Hell

2009-10-24T03:40:00.001-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5794. Hello my Tortured Tortoises. So I just watched this flick on DVD called Drag Me To Hell. Pretty awesome! Especially this uber-creepy old lady that haunts the whole thing. The flick's worth it just for her.

It's about this pretty little prissy chick (Alison Lohman, who reminded me of my sister, Helen) who works in a bank when said old lady comes in and starts begging for an extension on her loan. The chicky is trying to get a promotion and rejects her application. The old lady is scary and keeps taking out her false teeth - which are like green and pointy and decaying - I mean doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of false teeth? Anyway, the old lady is a crazy Hungarian gypsy and she does this cool curse on said chicky. I like the idea of a curse being inside an object. In this case it's a button off her jacket. I wonder what object of Helen's I can curse Helen with. The curse in this movie invokes an evil demon called the Lamia, basically a cousin of Pazuzu from The Exorcist. Only Lamia actually drags your ass to Hell if she's called on. I like it. Though I wish we got to see Hell as I the title sort of suggested. The only movies I know that really show a version of Hell are the Hellraiser flicks. I guess that requires a lot more imagination.

But Drag Me To Hell does have some very fun times including the greatest nosebleed I have ever seen. This thing sprays like twenty feet! It's a great little scene where girlfriend is at work in the droll little bank, the walls are all like ashy faded blue and grey and off she goes! Spraying the entire office especially her boss who was standing in front of her and is now screaming, "Did I get any in my mouth?!" Hilarious.

Alison Lohman is a little too pretty and looks a little lost in this genre. She was great in Matchstick Men, playing a twenty something pretending to be a 12 year old. But this flick doesn't really give her a chance to work out that acting muscle. The film is directed by Sam Raimi and is a welcome return to his roots (Evil Dead). He never took his horror too seriously and this is no exception. It is more 'fun' than scary. And Lohman kind of plays it that way. It's not really an attempt at pure terror like, say, Last House on The Left, which was pretty good, by the way. Although that microwave oven thing at the end totally ruined it for me. Everybody knows you can't just stick someone's head in the microwave! Believe me, I've tried it on my sister. Doesn't work. The door has to be closed. It's these little lapses in reality that really piss me off at the movies. For instance, in Drag Me To Hell, the chick has to sell all her shit to come up with 10 grand to pay off this psychic but when we meet the psychic, she's like, "I've battled the Lamia once before and lost. I've been waiting my whole life for a chance to get my revenge." Great, bitch! Maybe you could have waived the friggin fees in that case! God! People are so materialistic! Fine, battle away.

But as I said, the best thing about the flick is the old lady, Mrs. Ganush, (played by TV veteran, Lorna Raver) who has a penchant for puking green slime, maggots, and general gobs of yellow goo all over cute little Lohman. I kept imagining Helen in Lohman's place and got great satisfaction from so doing. It just occurred to me that in Hungaria they call old ladies Baba. So she's Baba Ganush! Great stuff.

Terror Film Festival

2009-10-23T01:03:00.001-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5793. Greetings my Sanguinary Seraphins. Yanks lost today. They made a valiant comeback only to give it all right back. Kind of a let down. I was already popping champagne (wine cooler, really, but it's all good). Ended up drinking it anyway. To drown my sorrow. Raymond watched the game with me. I think my enthusiasm is contagious. He seemed to get really into it. Maybe it was just all the tight uniforms.

Anyway, today I wish to highlight another awesome October Film Fest. It is our month is it not? This one's called Terror Film Festival and it's on this weekend in Frazier, Pennsylvania. I hear that's like right outside of Philly.

There selection is a mix of big budget Hollywood flicks with a couple of cool indies thrown in.

In other news I'm getting pretty excited about Halloween. There's going to be a big ol' masquerade ball at school. I still haven't picked my costume, though. I've done witch and vampire so many times. Zombie is fun but only when you're around other zombies like for a zombie walk. Kind of hard to party when you're oozing brain juice. I'll probably just do vampire again. At least I won't have to go shopping. I've already seen Helen's costume - fairy. Totally gross. If she tries to sprinkle pixie dust on me, I'm going to sock her one. Would love to hear from some of my readers concerning their Halloween costumes, especially original ones. If you send pictures, I'll post them on the blog. This blog is such a great escape. Sometimes I feel like it's my secret identity. Or that the rest of my life is. Here in cyberworld I have so many friends and followers, people are always sending me cool Farmville gifts and what not. In real life I'm kind of a loner. Nobody would suspect that I am the great Lara Baxter, Goth blogger extraordinaire. I doubt anybody at school follows my blog. In fact I hope not. I kind of like this arrangement. They could all kiss my ass. Sure there's a Goth community at my school but it just seems like as much of a little click as the cheerleaders. And even they think I'm weird. I have my own style. And just cause it's dark and dangerous doesn't mean that I'm following any stupid trend. Especially not that Twatlight tip that all these little girls are on. I swear, we used to be anti-fashion. Now we are friggin fashion. Anyway, true Goths don't give a shit. They walk by the beat of their own drum. That's what I am.

Lara's Fiendish Fruit Farm

2009-10-22T00:00:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5792. Greetings my Exalted Exiles. First of all, I have to brag about the creepy haunted house I just got for my Farmville farm. My farm is now ready for inspection. I christen it, Lara's Fiendish Fruit Farm. There's a cool Plant montster. His name is Fred and he likes Twatlighters. There's also a grave for my sister, Helen. Eventually, my farm will become complete. On that day I will cease to pick my crops and let all of them die. Then it will look truly perfect. The Halloween decorations on Farmville are only available for like another week, so get cracking.

I've also just consulted The Facebook Fortune Teller and found out that love is in the air for next Thursday. Hmm. Consult her yourself if you like:

FACEBOOK FORTUNE TELLER

Also, just heard that Bram Stoker Fest was a roaring sucksess. Here's a review of the festival on my sister bloodsucker site:

TALIESIN MEETS THE VAMPIRE

Stick Your Flu Shot!

2009-10-21T19:14:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5791. Greetings my Zany Zealots. So the Yanks are one win away from getting into the World Series!!! We've got this crazy good pitcher named C.C. Sabathia. He's like 7 feet tall and 400 pounds. A regular giant. Kind of cool. Like something out of Harry Pooper. I know I'm always making fun of Harry but I'm actually kind of a closet fan. Of the books, anyway. The movies suck! The third one was okay but mostly they just treat the audience like little kids and that's not what the books do at all. I mean, I guess I am a kid, I just don't like getting talked down to. Harry is my age. He's always been my age. The movie Harry, anyway. And from the very first one I thought they were too childish compared with the books. The other thing is that they don't really get the humor across, again except for the third one - Prisoner of Azkhaban. They should have let that director direct all of them.

Anyway, the Yanks are on the verge but I'm not letting myself get too excited. I haven't been a fan that long but I've seen footage of how they collapsed against the Red Sox in '04, shattering the Curse Of The Bambino. That's kind of what got me into baseball to begin with, this awesome curse. Check it out - The Red Sox were like the best team in baseball at the time, having won 8 World Series and the Yankees sucked, having won zero - this was 1918 - and the owner of the Red Sox sold Babe Ruth, this fat pitcher, to the Yankees to pay for some Broadway play for his girlfriend to star in. Babe was the hero over there in Beantown so they were kind of selling their soul. Their fans definitely weren't impressed. Anyway, the Yankees took the ball out of his hand and replaced it with a bat. The rest is history. For the next 86 years the Yanks win 26 championships while the Red Sox win zero. Nothing. Nada. Nintendo. (just came up with that.) Until 2004, when the Yankees were up three to nothing in the championship series and the Red Sox came back and won 4 in a row. It had never been done before. But that's what they had to do to break the curse. Aren't curses cool? And the Babe? He only went on to set every home run record in the books. Now the Yankees have A Rod who will probably set some new home run records before he's through. It took me a while to like him. Especially with the whole steroid thing. At least he fessed up. But watching him hit these homers in the postseason - he's got 5 now - well it's kind of awe-inspiring. You really feel the history of it. His reputation may forever be tarnished but the love of his fans may be only beginning.

In other news, my school is trying to get everyone to get Swine Flu shots and I'm not feeling it. I did some research and found this story about Desiree Jennings, this Washington Redskins cheerleader who got permanent brain damage from a flu shot. She has seizures like every five minutes. Hey, at least she didn't get a runny nose. Actually she did. She was in the hospital with the flu. She was training for a marathon before she got the shot. A lot of people are getting sick at school. I was sick last week. I'm not a doctor or anything but I'm not letting them stick anything in me. Especially after those two movies last night. They're probably trying to give us all Swine Flu. Some form of sinister population control. Maybe it's fitting that we all die like pigs.

Here's the Cheerleader story:

Puke Flick Double Feature - Martyrs, The Killing Room

2009-10-20T01:52:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5790. Greetings my Yodeling Yaks. So I just watched like the scariest film I've ever seen. I'm actually kind of afraid to go to bed. I keep thinking some freaky doctor is like going to climb into my window and tie me up and nail some metal helmet to my head! Aahh! What was that?!

It was nothing... I think. Just the wind. Anyway, so Raymond finally gave up Watchmen and we were able to get a couple of DVDs on MY list and we got The Killing Room and Martyrs; two seriously demented movies. And they're also kind of similar. They're both about forced martyrdom, although radically different kinds of martyrdom. Part of the fun of both these flicks is the plot revelations and unfortunately I have to reveal them to discuss them so if you haven't seen them, you might not want to rent them before continuing.

The Killing room deals with our crazy ass government trying to create our own suicide bombers. This is kind of a weird idea and I don't know if it really makes all that much sense. I mean, I never understood the need for suicide bombers anyway. Granted, they were pretty effective on 911 but most of the time couldn't you just like use a remote or something? It's always seemed to me like kind of a silly way to go.

So the way they make people martyrs is they put them in this room which is... the killing room, literally. It's kind of Sawish without the cool gadgets (which is like the best part of the Saw movies). It's pretty cheap. I mean, nobody's going to win an Oscar for set decorations. The room is really white and sterile. Kind of looks like something out of a nuthouse. And these people are suckered in there thinking they're going to be part of some psychological study. And one by one they're killed off. This is done, apparently to figure out which one of them is willing to sacrifice himself for the others. At least that's how I understood it. The actors are all pretty good like Timothy Hutton who was famous once, I think. I don't know, it kept me watching and I guess that's kind of a feat when the movie is about people in a white room. Maybe it was a play or something before. It kind of felt like one.

But what I liked about it were these cold as fuck government guys (especially Peter Stormare, everyone's favorite Psycho Swede - think Fargo, Big Lebowski, Prison Break) who like don't even blink at all this atrocity that was going on. It was just all so cold and scientific. It made me think of Nazi Germany and what those scumbags must have been like. And it made me think about how dangerous it is to have the wrong people in charge. So in the end I came away with something. The gore is pretty mild but cold and sudden and effective - more violence than gore. Still, it looks like it was made for nothing and I'm always impressed when someone turns water into wine.

But it was the second flick that fully messed me up. Maybe there's something to that parental advisory thing. I think maybe my fragile, impressionable young mind really wasn't prepared for this film. And I've seen a lot of horror films and this might be the first time I'm truly, genuinely scared. That's why I'm still writing this. I'm afraid to go to bed. This movie will fuck you right up!

Now I do have to warn you. It's French and it has subtitles. And the guy who made it is probably a descendant of the Marquis De Sade. There's a lot of freaky torture. The chick with the Helmet will definitely become a classic Halloween costume. You just need somebody to pull you on a leash. I mean, they literally nailed this fucking thing to her head with these big ass nails.

The story is about these two orphan girls, one of whom was once imprisoned and tortured ala one of those horror stories you hear about when girls are raped and tortured for years and years in a little room (usually by a relative). Well this little girl managed to escape and now she wants revenge. She finds the people who did it to her and she strolls right on in with a shotgun. Blasting away an entire family. Pretty hardcore stuff. It's like this nice family having breakfast and all of a sudden this crazy bitch comes in and blows them all away. I like it. But that's just the beginning.

In the end we learn of this secret religious society and that there's actually a reason for all this torture. They're trying to create martyrs. Now these are martyrs in the traditional, Christian sense of the word, which are people who undergo such suffering and physical torment that they see the light of God. Freaky, right? These guys are trying to induce this state.

The doctors who perform this torture are not just cold and scientific about it, they actually appear as perfectly functional members of society. Which, again, is what got me the most about this film. The fact that anybody, any time can be a deranged, heartless psychopath and you would never know it. And the fact that people really could convince themselves of anything. That in certain circles, there are no such things as sinners. Only saints. And philosophers.

Okay, I'm going to try and go to bed now. But it won't be easy. I recommend watching this one with the lights on.

Website of the Week - Trailer Wars

2009-10-19T21:43:00.001-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5789. Greetings my Wasp Whisperers. Today I'm introducing a new feature on Lara's Thoughts. It's called Website of the Week. Now I'm always telling you about cool indie flicks that you might never have heard of and this week I've stumbled on the mother load. It's a site called Trailer Wars and on it, trailers for all kinds of indie flicks of all genres (yes, horror is a biggie) battle it out with you, yes, you, as the judge. I love it! I've spent the last two hours perusing the different trailers and have found at least a dozen that are on my list of must check out! Check it out here:

TRAILER WARS

In terms of life, it continues to suck. The Yankees lost despite home runs from Cap'n Jeets and like three other guys. For some reason it was on during the day (don't people have to work?!) and I only caught the highlights. It seems to me that the Yankees manager is a bit too nervous. He seems like a nice guy and all but he just keeps changing pitchers like he's got ants in his pants. I think he needs to chill out. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Oh, well, nobody expected the Yanks to sweep. We'll kick their butts tomorrow.

I also think the love spell I've been casting on a certain someone may be starting to work. I've caught him looking at me a couple of times today. He's like super popular so I'm not getting my hopes up but he's just sooooo cute. Okay, his name is Billy Mathews. Don't broadcast it, okay? This project has been almost a month in the planning and I think I'm almost ready to make my move. For those of you who are new to Lara's Thoughts, I have an altar to Anne Rice in front of which I perform various voodoo rituals with varying degrees of success. So far I've managed to bring myself good luck (I found twenty bucks) and I made Helen (my sister) have some vicious flatulence during Sunday mass. That was great! Especially since she's in the choir. Every once in a while you'd hear these squeaky white girl farts mixed in with the hymns. It was all I could to keep from rolling down the aisle. Even Mom was mad at her for 'not being able to control herself'. Helen spent the whole afternoon crying. Anyway, I'll let you know how the Billy Mathews project pans out in a couple of days. Wish me luck.

Till then, here are the first 6 minutes of one my favorite shorts, Orion Slave Girls Must Die:

Leave Balloon Boy Alone!

2009-10-18T10:53:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5788. Greetings my Vindictive Vinaigrettes. So I've been watching this news conference from Jim Alderden, the Colorado sheriff who is now trying to arrest and imprison the family of the Balloon Boy. Now, if you don't know what I'm talking about, you must've been living in a cave the past few days. Basically on Thursday, the entire country was watching breathlessly as this UFO looking balloon floated around for like three hours. We were told that there was a 6 year old boy inside, though it was pretty obvious that there was absolutely no place to put a boy in the balloon. Eventually it was revealed (by the boy himself) that the whole thing was a hoax, a publicity stunt by the family who wanted a reality show of their own (presumably about how they plan more hoaxes?!)

Anyway, I was kind of impressed by the ballsyness of the Heenes (that's their name). They threw themselves out there, probably with full knowledge of what they were in for. They must have realized that they were breaking quite a few laws and might actually serve some jail time and they must have decided that it would be worth it. It's kind of a fascinating example of the lengths some people will go to for their 15 minutes of fame. Mind you they appeared on two episodes of one of my favorite shows, Wife Swap. For those of you that are not familiar with this anthropological experiment, Wife Swap literally swaps the the matriarchs of polar opposite households for a week with often hilarious results. Here they are on the 100th episode:

WIFE SWAP

They branded themselves as a science obsessed, storm chasing family and were paired with a psychic arty family. Well, reality TV obviously only wet their whistle for celebrity and the next step was naturally to get the world to freak out about their 6 year old, Falcon, soaring high above the Colorado cornfields.

Now I'm not saying we should all go out and start messing with the media and whatever but the vigor with which the Colorado authorities are now targeting them is a little disturbing. It would seem the entire Colorado police force is now on their ass. At one point, one of the reporters asks the Sheriff if they were perhaps over-reacting. To which Sheriff Alderden snickered and said:

"Most of you are not from Larimer county. You don't know this agency. I think our local media that knows us, knows how we react to a situation like this. When we have something of this magnitude, we pull out all the stops. We have have solved 110% of the murders in this county because we throw everything we have at it when something like this happens. "

So basically he equates this incident with murder. God, if not a sense of humor, at least get yourself a sense of perspective. Okay, so the family used up the state's valuable time, energy and money to further their own ends. So now you're going to spend a thousand times more time, energy and money trying to prosecute them? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I'm sorry, but this whole thing stinks to high heaven of law enforcement feelings being hurt. How dare somebody waste their time?! Well, judging by this overblown circus, they obviously have nothing better to do with their time over their in old Larimer county so if anything they should probably send the Heene's a gift basket for making them actually earn a living.

The family is being charged with conspiracy (misdemeanor), contributing to the delinquency of a minor (felony), false reporting to the authorities (misdemeanor), and attempting to influence a public servant (felony). At the very least this ridiculous case will drag out for at least a year in court and will cost the taxpayers millions of dollars.

All I'm saying is this - If the crime here is wasting state resources, then the state is a thousand times more guilty than the family. Slap them on the wrist, give them a fine and let's put this silly farce behind us. And if somebody does give the Heene's there own show, (which I don't doubt will happen) I promise not to watch. How's that?

I will leave you with Sheriff Alderden's seriously patronizing turn to the media (in the middle of a NEWS CONFERENCE!):

"Yesterday this turned into a circus. If you just raise your hands and be nice, children..."

Go piss up a cornstalk, Genius.

A Rod, Cap'n Jeets Bring The Sweets

2009-10-17T00:32:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5787. Hello my Undead Underlings. Yeah! Yankees win again! Cap'n Jeets brought the sweets with a homer in the 3rd and A-Rod, the closer killer, tied it up in the 11th with a homer of his own. Angels made another sloppy mistake in the 13th and threw it away! Definitely the most exciting game I've every seen. I keep hearing about what they were like about ten years ago, when they had their dynasty and won three in a row but I can hardly imagine them any better than they are now.

Too excited to write about anything else tonight. I'll just leave you with this little blog I read today:

Why I give my 9 year old pot

Why couldn't I have a cool Mom like this lady?

Bram Stoker Film Festival

2009-10-16T16:57:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5786. Greetings my Totalitarian Toe-fetishists. Okay, there's a certain time of the year when Lara's thoughts becomes a semi sports blog and that is when the New York Yankees are in the post season. Game 1 today against the Los Angeles Angels. On a chilly night in the Bronx, the two best teams in baseball meet for the first of a seven game series to decide who goes to the World Series. Now I'm not normally a big sports fan. To tell you the truth, the Yankees are the only team I follow and that only because of Cap'n Jeets (the love of my life, Derek Jeter.) The game is starting right now. I'll get back to you after it's done.

Okay, Yanks won! Cap'n Jeets went 2 for 5 with an RBI! Those Angels don't stand a chance! They made a bunch of errors and basically showed that they didn't belong in the same stadium as the Yanks! Now that that's over, I can get back to the blog.

Today I want to profile the Bram Stoker Film Festival going on this weekend in Whitby, England. I contacted the festival director James Latimer (what a British sounding name) and he assures me that their festival is a return to the 'real' vampire genre. The fest will be hosted by Dacre Stoker, a descendant of Bram's (how cool is that?) Maybe it's Bram himself pretending to be his own descendant. That's what Dracula used to do.

Anyway, it looks like the Bram Stoker Fest will be the perfect antithesis to that pathetic Twatlight fest, Vampire Film Festival in New Orleans. So if you happen to be in England this weekend, be sure to check it out:

BRAM STOKER INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL

20 Story Lines and the Bible

2009-10-15T20:49:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5785. Hello my Saucy Strumpets. All these days just seem to blur into one another. Who the hell am I? What he hell is the meaning of it all? I think of Anne Rice who just celebrated her 64th Birthday last week and I just can't imagine how you can keep yourself interested for so long. But somehow she does it. I've been around for almost 16 years and it seems like an eternity. Imagine how vampires must feel. To be cold and still and eternal. I imagine them to be very slow in everything they do. They must freeze entirely for long periods of time. Like statues. The world of Vampires must move in slow motion. They have no where to be. They are in no hurry. Not like humans. We are always in a hurry. Like we're trying to outrun death. And why? It's still coming. As sure as death and taxes, isn't that what they say? We all work and toil. Like little ants. And what are we toiling for? Where are we trying to get to? It's all a great big mystery. Too involved in the details to notice the big picture. "Find your place in the world and stick to it," Dad once said to me. "What if there is no place for me in this shitty world (though I may not have used the word, shitty)?" "Then you're just going to have to create one." Probably the smartest thing the old man's ever said to me. He's got some depth, they old man. And some mystery. Hangs out in the basement a lot. Sometimes has his Freemason friends over for poker. God knows what kind of global takeovers they're scheming up down there. Him and Mom don't do it anymore, I don't think. She has that broken hip thing so I'm sure it puts a spanner in the works. Probably TMI. Which reminds me, I've come up with a new acronym: WGAF - Who Gives A Fuck?! I've already used it three times. Twice with my sister, Helen.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, so Anne Rice gets all this inspiration from the Bible. Well, yes, I confess, she's got me reading it too. Anything Anne recommends can't be all that bad. I got the abridged, retard version cause I couldn't get into the whole archaic language. If God speaks like that, no wonder nobody knows what the hell to do. Anyway, the stories are actually pretty awesome. I've also been reading a lot of these 'teach yourself how to be a writer' books and one of them, called 20 Master Plots, by Ronald Tobias, which alleges that there are only twenty... master plots. I've taken it upon myself to link each one of them with a Bible story:

Quest - Noah
Adventure - All of them
Pursuit - Moses
Rescue - Moses
Escape - Moses
Revenge - Jason
The Riddle - Jason
Rivalry - Cain and Abel
Underdog - David and Goliath
Temptation - Adam and Eve
Metamorphosis - Saul becomes Paul
Transformation - Jason
Maturation - Moses
Love - Jacob and Rachel
Forbidden Love - David and Bathsheba
Sacrifice - Abraham
Discovery - Moses
Wretched Excess - Moses
Ascension - Jesus
Descension - Adam and Eve

Okay, if you want to disagree with Tobias and try coming up with a 21st, go right ahead. I bet he's betting that most people don't have that much time on their hands. Likewise with the Bible tales.

Anne Rice and The Bible

2009-10-14T00:42:00.001-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5784. Greetings my Roadside Rashes. Who's totally excited about Anne Rice's new book, Angel Time? I am, that's who! Okay, so Anne's gone a little soft lately, found Jesus and everything, but I'm convinced she's still got it in her to write a killer book with some badass angels. I know, I sound like I'm trying to convince myself. Well, if anybody can make angels cool, it's Anne Rice. And angels aren't necessarily all good. I mean, they've got to do some evil shit sometimes in the name of good or whatever. I don't know, I'm still new to the whole angel genre. I'm sure Anne will fill me in, though. Anyway, look forward to a heavily biased review from yours truly.

Anyway, she's been doing interviews and this one I quite like. She's asked about using the Bible as a source and how she had less flexibility with the characters because they weren't her own. I mean, she basically had free reign with vampires. She made the genre real. That's all I can say. Before Anne Rice, you just couldn't take vampires seriously. They were just overly theatrical and the whole 'I vant to suck your blud' business just made them laughable. Anne introduced us to a world where vampires do exist. Where you just kind of take it for granted that they exist. And when you put the book down, you wouldn't be at all surprised to see a vampire sitting on your window ledge. That is what Anne Rice brought to the genre. She made it real. She concentrated on all the little nuances. She told the story from the point of view of the vampire. Vampires were no longer the monsters that appear once or twice to scare the protagonist. They were the protagonists. And all you Twatlighters need to step. Anne wasn't afraid of the nightmarish nature of her subject matter. She confronted it head on. Her characters never cared if you liked them or not. That's what made them so damned likable. Lestat is the ultimate carefree character. At times, I swear he is aware of the fact that he is only a character and can do anything and everything. He is the ultimate escapist. And I love him! I have to say I've been getting more and more excited about the prospect of Robert Downey Jr. as Lestat. I think we may be witnessing the birth of the first great vampire film. There have been good ones, sure, but none that can call themselves one of the greatest of all time, say in the top 100 of all films ever. This has every potential to be just that. And what better material to work with than perhaps the greatest vampire novel of all time - The Vampire Lestat.

Anyway, this is a two part post so more tomorrow.

Stupid Facebook Game of the Year - Farmville!

2009-10-13T13:49:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5783. Hello my Quivering Quiches. So I'm totally addicted to Farmville. It's true. My name is Lara and I'm a farmvillaholic. I'm sorry, the game is just so zen. Picking your eggplants and milking your goats; I can see how people could be drawn to a life like that. I've started leaving notes on my neighbors' farms. I've declared myself official Farm Judge. Anyone over level 20 will get judged. If your farm is too commercial, too cluttered or too militarized, you will hear about it. Farmville farm of the month has to go to my Facebook buddy, Helen Grant. She has little themes - one pen has all white sheep except for one black one. Another pen is pink and contains pink cows. A third has a pond with an Ugly Duckling scene. And she still manages to churn out a healthy profit, I'm sure. So, go, Helen! You win despite having the same name as my bitch sister! Wait, maybe you are my bitch sister! You never know with these facebook accounts. I've heard of like old men posing as teenage girls. Sickening.

So become my neighbor at your own peril. My own farm is still a work in progress, so don't bother me at least until I reach level 20. I still haven't expanded. Also, Twatlighters will be shot!

To start your own farm go here:

FARMVILLE

Michael Jackson - A suicide?

2009-10-12T22:20:00.001-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5782. Greetings my Pickled Pigmies. Today I heard the new Michael Jackson song and I'll be damned if it isn't a suicide note. Just check out these lyrics:

And it feels as though I’ve known you for a thousand years
And you tell me that you’ve seen my face before
And you said to me that you don’t want me hanging around

These are the ravings of a suicidal maniac! The guy's obviously suffering from intolerable guilt over his many child molestations and he want's out. The ultimate escape from his demons. Only he was too squeamish to do it in any cool way like jumping out of a plane with no parachute or blowing his brains out with a shotgun (Whoo! Kurt!). No, he was like, "I wanna go in my sleep." I mean, seriously, talk about a lame way to go. Pussy. Hope he was dreaming about little demon children with giant, razor-bladed phalluses wanting to play the 'cha cha' game.

Then there's the chorus:

This is it
I can feel
I’m the light of the world
This is real

Hmm. This, to me signifies his rabid fixation with himself. And here I come to the meat of it all. He had to fulfill the myth. He saw himself as a member of what I call the Celebrity Zombie Club. Elvis, Marilyn, Hendrix, Morrison, Janis, Holly, Dean, Pheonix, Cobain - the best looking corpses that have ever been left. Yes, welcome your newest member, Wacko Jacko (as the Aussies call him).

Anyway, think about it. Who the hell gets addicted to general aenestetics?! Nobody! And he's suffering from what? Insomnia? Likely story. He hired that doctor basically to assist him with his suicide. Not saying the doctor was in on it. He was just a hapless oaf trying to make an easy buck. Guess he really proved there's no such thing.

That's my take on it. Click here to hear the song (you have to watch the trailer first):

THIS IS IT!

Columbus Day

2009-10-11T17:15:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5781. Greetings my Odiferous Orifices. I'm having a nice relaxing afternoon at home. Looking forward to Columbus Day. That's my other favorite subject at school. History. Christopher Columbus is considered the guy that discovered America in 1492. Though that's not exactly the truth. Actually, Leif Ericson hung out in Nova Scotia for about a year like five hundred years earlier. But he didn't brag about it. Columbus actually set out to find India. Can you imagine? That's like thinking you're at the end of a video game and all of a sudden a whole new board opens up. "Fuck me, who put this continent here?!" "Excuse me", said the continent, "I was here all along. You should have asked that nice Viking fellow about me."

Anyway, here's to old Chris, a true numbnuts in the most traditional sense of the word. Half his peeps were eaten by cannibals, the other half killed each other. Good times. Columbus established the first colonies in America and brought over the European culture that we so enjoy today. Among other things.

Here's to you, Chris. Thanks for finding us!

Puke Flick of the Week - Hell Walks The Earth

2009-10-10T23:22:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5780. Hello my Normal Normans. For those who need another zombie fix in the wake of Zombieland, here's a creepy little indie that looks like it might have some brains. Check out their Myspace:

HELL WALKS THE EARTH

Nobel War Prize

2009-10-09T01:57:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5779. Greetings my Morbid Marshmallows. Okay, so I've been sick at home for the past few days with some nasty bug and I've been watching a lot of daytime TV, including the news. Believe it or not, my favorite subject at school is Social Studies. It's like the one subject I always ace. Ms. Lipinsky and I get along, too. We share a lot of the same political views.

First of all, can I just say that we in America have no news reporting. Just check out BBC news one day if you want to see what real news reporting is like. We get maybe a quarter of the news the Brits get. What we have is a dozen cable channels all talking about one news item 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. For as long as they can milk it. Today they all latched on to Obama's Nobel Peace Prize like a bunch of pitbulls hanging from a rope.

Yes, like most teenagers I get most of my news from The Daily Show (which comes on three times a week). Jon Stewart is the only guy who makes the news even remotely entertaining. In fact, I'd say that's how Obama got elected - cause Democrats are so good at clowning the Republicans. They've basically succeeded in making them look like a bunch of rich, old, white, racist kooks with nicknames like 'Birthers', 'Deathers', 'Teabaggers'. Meanwhile Republicans are just really good at clowning themselves. It's hard to take them seriously with douches like Sarah Palin leading the fray. And all the Fox News guys (Republicans) are either like used car salesmen, talking real loud and fast and rudely interrupting all their guests when they hear something that might go against their way of thinking or they're like some nutty evangelists like that creepy Glenn Beck guy. What they need is a Daily Show of their own. Or at least a Weekly show. Just someone who can make fun of Democrats without yelling and waving around their teabags. What's happening is they're losing my generation pretty quick and that's putting their whole future in doubt. Obama is just the beginning.

My parents are both Republicans. They even voted for that zombie, McCain. Mom loves all those guys, even Bush. Except for Cheney. For some reason, he's the one guy that gets her goat. She actually spits on the floor every time she sees him on TV. Then she has to go and clean it up. Strange lady, my mom. Helen is a Republican too, of course. Me and Raymond are the only Democrats in the household.

Anyway, today all that anyone on the so-called news can talk about is Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize. Now, let's face it. The nomination was made like a week into his presidency. So yes, it may have been a smidgen premature. Fox News is claiming that the international community is trying to pressure us. And yeah, they may have a point. And guess what, maybe the international community has a point.

To tell you the truth, I've never seen the difference between Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush. Both men invaded a sovereign nation for oil. One was executed for it, the other was re-elected. It seems to me that Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize just like he got the presidency - more for what he isn't than for what he is. And just like the presidency, it is something he has yet to earn. It's kind of a pay it forward sorta deal. The prize is symbolic. It represents not his achievements but the expectations of the world.

The Nobel Peace Prize has rarely been given as a 'lifetime achievement award'. It is probably the most important such award in the world, with publicity to match. The Nobel dudes know this full well and they never miss an opportunity to use it as some bully pulpit. It's like their one chance say their piece. Think Gorbachev - a communist leader who inadvertently ended communism in Germany and Russia. Think Al Gore - who made Global Warming a household word. And what about Rabin and Arafat? If that wasn't a pay it forward, then I don't know what could be. One of those guys was a terrorist leader! The only thing those two represented was the very hope for peace - however dim that light might have been. Let's just hope that Obama's pay it forward has a little more chance of actually getting paid back.

Whether or not you like Obama, you have to like what he represents, which is our system of government and free election actually working. He is the promise of Democracy. I sometimes wonder if one of the founding fathers ever looked on one of his slaves and wondered whether one of their descendants might one day rule this country they were starting. Maybe Jefferson. He was into that chocolate love. But yes! That was the original vision. A land where the people decide. We the people! And the guy we chose is in power. For this reason alone, we are now the envy of the entire corrupt planet. How many countries ever even get a chance to vote for someone like Obama? Someone not force fed upon them by the establishment? Someone who actually represents the people rather than some secret society? Very Few.

Obama talks the talk. He calls for a world without nukes. He welcomes talks with the Middle-East. He holds the promise of bringing the world together. Now the world wants him to know that he has been heard. And that now he is being watched. Barrack, it's time. Let's see you walk the walk.

So, yes, the question of whether Obama deserves the Nobel Peace Prize is a valid one. But it should be asked in about three years. Problem is, from all indications, I'd say he'll be more deserving of the Nobel War Prize. Keep sending our troops to fight useless wars, Prez. History is a cold, hard judge.

Zombify Yourself

2009-10-08T20:56:00.001-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5778. Hello my Laminated Lamshanks. Not much going on today. Here's a picture of me as a zombie. If you want to get one made, go here:

ZOMBIFY YOURSELF

Band of the Week - Frankenstein Drag Queens From Planet 13

2009-10-07T02:43:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5777. Greetings my Kinky Kangaroos. Today I have the pleasure of bringing you an awesome horror punk band called Frankenstein Drag Queens From Planet 13. Thanks to my Facebook buddy, Dennis for bringing them to my attention. In general, if you know of a band or a film or anything else for that matter that you believe deserves my attention, feel free to shoot me an email at annericerules@gmail.com. These guys friggin rock! I've been blasting their song, Mr. Motherfucker all day long. I was sick and got to stay home from school today. Some sort of virus. Thank God for the fever or I'd be in school. Anyway, I'm feeling better already, so don't bother with get well wishes.

Here's their Myspace:

Frankenstein Drag Queens From Planet 13

The Problem With Evolution

2009-10-06T00:01:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5776. Hello my Jaded Jellyfish. So my science teacher, Mr. Durshank is all excited about the discovery of Ardi, the 4 million year old human ancestor that was just discovered and he's decided to focus all our studies this semester on evolution, a concept I'm having a huge problem with. Okay, relax. I'm not going to start shoving Adam and Eve down your throats. The Bible is not a history book. It is a book of myths, kind of like the Greek or Hindu ones. Myths are fictional stories, beautifully written and can teach us a lot about ourselves. I mean, they are written by very wise people. But people nonetheless. And anybody that tries to tell you that God wrote them needs to be asked one question. Why? Why would God take it upon Himself to record our history? See, the problem has always been that we try to give God these human qualities (and deficiencies) in an attempt to make Him more like us - so that we can relate to Him. Fact is, if there is a God (or some higher power that created everything), then He probably has more important things to do with his time than write Bibles. No, if you want to get to the bottom of how we came to be, I think you're going to have to search a little deeper than Adam and Eve.

Evolution gives us a very quaint, convenient explanation for how we came about. Basically, Darwin said that we came from monkeys. And yeah, it kind of stands to reason - they do resemble us, more than any other creature on the planet, anyway. I mean, we certainly didn't come from dogs or dolphins. But the more I think about it, the more a certain problem keeps popping up. Okay, we came from monkeys. So why are there still monkeys?!

Think about this for a minute. If evolution is a natural occurrence, shouldn't all monkeys have become humans by now? I mean, is there something wrong with some monkeys that they didn't evolve into us? I'm not saying that there isn't such a thing as evolution. I'm just saying that evolution is not the reason that we are what we are. It can't be. If evolution was the only reason that we have brains that can think, then all creatures, big and small, should have developed them by now. And yeah, eventually, they probably will. Maybe a couple of million years from now you'll be able to play chess with your cat but why is it that of all the creatures on our planet, our evolution happened so much faster?

The answer has to be that we had some help. Now here's where things get a little crazy. Cause if I'm right, and I don't see how I can be wrong, there is only one explanation for our expedited evolution. We are, in fact, aliens. I'll let that sink in for a second.

Yes, at some point in our past, visitors came to our planet and bred themselves with our native monkeys. It was an interplanetary, inter-species experiment and we are the result. It is the only explanation. Nature doesn't pick favorites. Without some genetic intervention, we would still be swinging from trees and throwing our poop at one another. Apparently there were several stages of evolution between the monkey and us - Neanderthal, Cro-Magnon, and then eventually Homo Sapien (us). Well this makes perfect sense. Each of these stages represents a new series of experiments when our species was bred once again with our alien ancestors until they achieved a creature with what Mr. Durshank calls 'cosmic consciousness'.

I don't know, maybe that's what these aliens do - they just go from planet to planet, galaxy to galaxy, spreading this cosmic consciousness. They've probably been around for so long that there's nothing else for them to do. They just land some place, pick the smartest creature they can find (monkeys in our case) and sow their seeds of wisdom, probably thinking they're doing some real good. Only in our case maybe they should have gone with the dolphins. Cause apes are naturally a really aggressive, destructive species (as are we). What the continued experiments say to us though is that these visitors stuck around. And guess what, they're probably still here! That's why you always hear about people getting abducted and having experiments done on them. Maybe they're still conducting more breeding experiments. Maybe there's a new stage of 'evolution' for us around the bend. One that will make Homo Sapiens look like Neanderthals. So it wouldn't surprise me at all if we go the same way as the Neanderthals. And why are there no more Neanderthals? Because they were an unfinished product, a freakish, unnatural mutation. The aliens got rid of them as soon as they used some of them to create Cro-Magnons. See, it's an ongoing experiment. So we should expect to get wiped out too. Thrown away like a piece of scrap paper.

I think the aliens are realizing now that they probably made a huge mistake. There's probably a reason that evolution takes as long as it does. We are not ready to receive this wisdom they gave us. We could only destroy ourselves with it. By cheating evolution, humanity became doomed.

Anyway, I just wrote something to this effect for my science essay and Durshank gave me a C-, saying something about how I have to understand something before I can disprove it. I guess evolution is the new Adam and Eve. It is accepted thought. It'll take another cultural revolution to change people's way of thinking.

Vampire Film Fest Sucks!

2009-10-05T14:09:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5775. Greetings my Intoxicated Intellectuals. Another week and another disappointment. I am officially withdrawing my endorsement of the Vampire Film Festival. You might recall a couple of weeks ago that I said that Vampfest was letting online voters decide who gets into the fest. This was supposed to be our chance to take back our genre from the Twatlighters! Well, I just had a look at their final selection and those films were neither the most popular or the most highly rated in the contest. For instance - My Wife Is A Vampire which got over 1200 hits and 5 stars was passed over in favor of A Hammer Fell In Jerusalem which had 170 hits and only 3 stars. I guess the trailer contest was just a showpiece and the selections really depended on whatever relatives of the organizers were in those crappy flicks they selected. I also just found out that the brilliant vampire author, Gabrielle Faust (and writer of my favorite blog, Eternal Vigilance), who was supposed to emcee their forum, also backed out (perhaps in protest of this obviously bogus selection process.)

So I'd like to apologize to my readers for letting them think that their vote might matter and I strongly urge you all to boycott this event in protest of such chicanery! I also have it on good authority that they sent out congratulation letters to the wrong films and then had to take them back (presumably after those poor filmmakers sent out excited mass emails about their selections) Pathetic! Finally, they seem to be sucking on on the Twatlight tit pretty heavily so STAY AWAY!

Shakespeare Sucks!

2009-10-04T04:14:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5774. Hello my Heinous Jalapenos. Okay, so I'm feeling a little better today. I still won't look Mom in the face or even acknowledge her existence. But she forced me to go to church today. She says she thinks I'm possessed by the Devil or some such crap. Kind of reminded me of the time that I painted this awesome picture of the Slayer demon and she tore it up saying that I was inviting the Satan to come and take my soul. I was really proud of that painting, too! Took me like a week to get it right. I haven't painted anything since. What's the point if it's just going to get ripped up?! My art teacher, Ms. Ploon, had said that I showed real promise, too.

Anyway, church sucked, as always. Mom and Helen are both in the choir (thank God I can't carry a tune to save my life). Our priest, Father Hortin, was talking about Abraham and how he was all ready to kill his son, Isaac, because God told him to do it. I was like, whatever. God later saves Isaac at the last minute but still, that's a pretty cruel joke to play on someone. "Just kidding, you don't have to kill your son for me. I was just testing ya." I'm sure Abraham, if he didn't go completely nuts from the ordeal, at least got a whole bunch of new white hairs in his beard. Mom, as always, was like weeping the whole time. She takes her Christianity very seriously. I thought it was a sucky story. There was like no irony. Abraham should have killed Isaac and then God shows up but it's too late. That's drama. Tragedy! That's the way Shakespeare would have handled the situation. Not that I'm a big Shakespeare fan. Who the hell talks like that?! I mean, even in those days. You need like a dictionary to figure out what the hell their talking about. And then it's considered like the best acting. That's not acting, it's poetry recital! I don't care how good an actor you are, you're not going to get any emotion across when you have to deliver like a thousand lines in a minute. We're studying Othello at school. It has its moments. I like Iago. He's pretty evil. But Desdemona is silly bitch! All of Shakespeare's women are kind of sad and pathetic. Or they're trying to be men. I'm going to get a t-shirt made that says: Shakespeare Sucks! Cause he does. Anne Rice is where the real literature is at! Although he does look pretty hip in this painting. Love the earring.

These are some of the thoughts that went through my head as I tried to pretend to be listening to the sermon. I can't stand church. I'm a twitcher. It's bad enough I have to spend my weekdays listening to unnecessary hogwash.

Afterwards Mom took us to get ice cream. I refused even though it looked really good. I will not give her the satisfaction of appeasing me! Helen took an extra long time licking her cone in front of me. I'm so over this family.

Today is Anne Rice's birthday! Happy Birthday, Madame Nightmare! Eat lots of cake!

Zombie Blues

2009-10-03T14:29:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5773. Greetings my Glassy-eyed Gladiators. I'm still fuming over Mom's hellish injustice! Haven't said a word to her since she refused to let me go to the Zombieland premiere. In moments when my fury momentarily subsides, I go into a deep, dark depression. A teenager's emotions are a fragile thing and Mom has shattered them. Dad just shrugs. He never stands up to her. 'Pick your battles,' he likes to say. I'm yet to see him pick one! Helen has been fucking with me all night, making Zombie noises outside my door. She's loving this. I'm seriously contemplating running away and joining a circus or something. I could be the chick that gets knives thrown at her. Wouldn't be that much of a change. Maybe they can teach me to throw knives too and I can throw them at my sister. The only person who even remotely seems to sympathize with my agony is Raymond. He made some special brownies again and gave me a couple. But they just seem to magnify my despair. I've been praying to Anne Rice to give me the strength to carry on, but I don't know. Even my Anne Rice altar seems to have lost some of its luster. I don't even want to go see Zombieland now. I mean, of course I do, but not like this! Now I'll have to sneak in after buying a ticket to Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs and sit in an empty theater devoid of fellow zombies drooling over eachother's brains. Johnny Shotguns said the film was awesome. Better than Evil Dead (his favorite zombie flick). The theater was packed with zombies all screaming and clapping every time somebody whacked a zombie. I doubt I will ever forgive Mom. How could she be so absolutely insensitive to my needs?! I'm sorry, I can't write any more today. I'm too upset.

Here's David Chalmers singing the Zombie Blues:

Person of the week to hate - Mom

2009-10-02T22:59:00.000-07:00

I'm Sorry. I'm too distraught to post today. Mom didn't let me go to the Zombieland premiere! I've been crying all night. I had all my make-up on and everything, ready to go as White Castle Zombie and she just up and went, 'No.' No explanation or anything. I think she doesn't like Johnny Shotguns (who came to pick me up). Anyway, I'm not talking to her ever again!

Zombieland Hollywood Zombiewalk 2009 Exclusive!

2009-10-01T03:38:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5771. Greetings my Flaccid Fornicators. Yes, it's true! Yours truly has acquired this exclusive video of last night's Hollywood Zombiewalk celebrating Zombieland! (only 24 hours to go!) That's right, you won't see this vid anywhere else! It was made by a guy named Benjamin Fields who just happens to be a huge fan of Lara's Thoughts and who graciously donated this incredible video for Zombie Week. The music is from some band called Madisonprep. The song is called Inspiration Point. Enjoy!

A Tribute to Celebrity Child Molesters

2009-09-29T23:04:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5770. Greetings my Enchanted Enchiladas. Less than 48 hours till Zombieland! And, yes, I know, it's still zombie week but I feel like I need to get this off my chest. So today I'll just send you to NAZAL.NET, where for only 5 cents a day you can sponsor a zombie of your choice. Every month you'll get a personal letter from your zombie and you'll learn all the ways your contribution is helping them acclimate back into society.

Speaking of acclimating back into society, I just saw this show about how 'reformed' child molesters are setting up camps in the woods because there's no where in society that they can live (they can't live within a hundred feet of children.) Now there's a place Hansel and Gretel would want to avoid when lost in the forest. Imagine the songs around that campfire. But anyway, it just kind of shows our general attitude towards this sort of crime. I mean, in our minds there's no such thing as rehabilitation! No other reformed convicts are treated this way. Michael Vick doesn't have to live more than a hundred feet away from dogs! Bernie Madoff won't have to live more than a hundred feet away from Wall Street! And Plaxico Burress won't have to live more than a hundred feet away from himself! We basically see child molestation as the most heinous, inhuman, monstrous crime of them all! Except when it's committed by a celebrity.

This week, a lot of stars are showing their true colors when defending the child rapist, Roman Polanski. Above is a picture of 13 year Samantha Geiner as she looked when this scumbag drugged, raped and sodomized her! That means he stuck it in her butt! And then he tried to claim it was consensual! I'm sorry, but I seriously doubt that poor girl really wanted some crusty old Eurotrash wiener inside her poo-hole! Anyway, she was 13! There's no such thing as consensual sex when you're 13!

So then said scumbag pleaded guilty and then ran off back to Europe where he's been holed up for 30 years (and continuing to make movies no less! Winning Oscars and shit!) That was until this week when he was nabbed in Switzerland after going there to accept a lifetime achievement award. Now, I've made my disgust pretty clear over the whole Michael Jackson lovefest that's been going on ever since that slimy fucker croaked (why don't you just wear a T-shirt that says 'I Love Pedophiles!' - I said at the time). But now, to see all these celebrities pleading Rapist Polanski's case is really making me wanna wretch all over that fucking Hollywood sign!

Just check out Whoopi Goldberg on The View claiming it was 'consensual'. Stupid Cunt! I wonder how she would react if it was her daughter! Over a hundred celebrities have now come forward to stand behind this slimeball. It kind of makes me wonder if Charles Manson would be frolicking on the Riviera right now if only he'd come out with a hit record or a cult movie back in the day.

Pathetic! Another slimy pedophile, Woody Allen, has just come out in support of his fellow celebrity sex offender. That asshole married his adopted daughter! These guys don't give a fuck! They are not sorry in the slightest! What's the first thing Polanski did when he fled America? He married a 15 year old Natassia Kinski! That's my age! I cannot imagine anything worse than getting married to some slimy old fart who drools over little girls! Disgusting!

So, Hollywood, and America in general, get your fucking priorities straight! Celebrities are not above the law! And they're definitely not above morality! I hope Rapist Polanski spends the rest of his privileged fucking life behind bars! And I hope all you pedophile-loving celebrities lose all your fans (as well you should!) The only person who should be standing behind this prick is Bubba from D-Block. Now that would be poetic justice.

Top 5 Zombie Sites

2009-09-29T00:42:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5769. Greetings my Distant Dandelions. Thanks to Alan's World for adding that Spanish flick, Sexy Killer (nice title) to the Zombie flick list. I'll have to check it out. Final few days before Zombieland! I've been putting the finishing touches on the White Castle uniform I've turned into White Castle Zombie which I'm wearing to the premiere. I haven't been this excited since Amy Smart ripped off her own jaw in Mirrors.

Anyway, today I bring you my top five zombie sites. These days there are like a million zombie sites so to save you some time, I think these are all the resources you'll need to meet all your undead needs. The pics are from a new Serbian flick called Zone Of The Dead.

5. ZOMBIE REPORTING CENTER

Get all the latest zombie tidbits from this place. Their roving reporters are constantly out trying to get the scoop. (out of your brain!)

4. ZOMBIE FRIENDS

No zombie is an island. Here's a good place to meet like-minded brain leakers and bitch about one's death. I found a great remedy for brainworms here.

3. ZOMBIE FREE WORLD

Need to get something off your chest? Like a rib? Look no further. This is like the best zombie community forum I know. Leave a message and pretty soon a dozen undead will have swarmed around your note and puked black blood all over it.

2. THE UNDEAD REPORT

Everything you need to know to protect your home from a zombie invasion. Naturally I don't need to stress the importance of this site.

1. THE FEDERAL VAMPIRE AND ZOMBIE AGENCY

Nobody breaks down the science behind vampires and zombies better than Hugo Pecos. If you want to know the bones and joints of being dead and undead, Hugo's your man. Learn about the Zombie Virus and various stages of Zombism. If you're not prepared for an attack, at least prepare yourself for zombification. Know what to expect. Catch the symptoms before you catch and eat your dog. No one knows where Hugo gets his information but leaks in high government positions are suspected. Who knows what the government is really up to with their zombies. Just look at the one that just ran for president. I thought his face was being held together by glue! I kept expecting like his jaw to fall off during a debate. How embarrassing would that be?! Glad the brother won. Can't trust zombies. Give them a finger, they'll take your whole arm. Here he is in one of the Dead movies:

There you have it. Yes, there are plenty of others out there, these are just the ones that have my heart. Literally. It fell out, I cut it up and did like a mass mailing. Go Zombies!

Lara's Top Five Zombie Flicks

2009-09-28T00:00:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5768. Greetings my Chalky Residues. So here are my five fave zombie flicks. I know, I'm partial to the comic zombie flicks. I once heard that horror directors have a saying: "If you don't give the audience something to laugh at, they will find something". And it's true, I mean, it's kind of hard to take some of the really over the top make-up in zombie flicks too seriously. You just have to kind of marvel at the artistry and enjoy the gruesomeness. Very few zombie flicks really even attempt anything resembling reality and many of those that do, fail miserably. To succeed as a zombie flick you can't take yourself too seriously, that's all I'm saying. Just think Resident Evil. I also realize that a few films that some would consider classics are not on there. Relax. I'm not saying these are the best. They're just my favorites.

5. Fido
Hilarious plot revolves around a parallel dimension in the 50's where zombies have been defeated and are now pets and servants. Canadian Zombies.

4. Day of The Dead
Okay, so Return and Dawn are probably superior, but neither of them have a zombie named Bub who they try to 'tame'. He makes it for me. The Tom Savini Make-up is legendary.

3. Evil Dead II
Evil Dead with a budget. Though I love the original and Army of Darkness rules too, this is the real gem for me. Plot revolves around an ancient book that opens a doorway to another world. Sam Raimi went on to make the Spiderman movies.

2. 28 Days Later
Okay, this is the one zombie flick that truly scared the crap out of me. And I'm not easily spooked. This flick actually attempts to take itself seriously and succeeds mostly because zombism isn't a resurrection from the dead at all but a disease called Rage. The effects are minimal which actually makes it more realistic. Director Danny Boyle went on to win an Oscar with Slumdog Millionaire.

1. Dead Alive
Peter Jackson's masterpiece remains the cream of the crop to this day in my opinion. The effects are truly incomparable. No one before or after has put this much effort and ingenuity into zombie make-up and for that reason alone it stands on top. Remember, zombie make-up should have some action. An arm should fall off or a eyeball should explode. Just looking dead isn't enough. Jackson went on to make King Kong and Lord Of The Rings.

There you have it. Lara's top five. I have a strong feeling that Fido's about to get knocked off by Zombieland. Only 96 hours to go!

Band of the Week - Zombie Bazooka Patrol

2009-09-27T00:10:00.001-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5767. Hello my Bubbly Barracudas. This is a real treat. This is actually one of my favorite bands. I've been waiting to do an expose on them for like forever. And what a better time than Zombie Week! Only 120 hours to the Zombieland premiere! Anyway, they are Zombie Bazooka Patrol. A cross between The Ramones, The Misfits, The Killers, The Specials, The Toasters, The Dishwashers, The Penguins, The Dingalings, The Penelopes, The Presidents Of The United States Of America, Madness, and throw in a bit of Stray Cats for good measure. They are the zombie band in my opinion. But people don't realize that their music actually transcends the genre. You can bop away all night to Zombie Shake or sing along to Wormz (In my head), or get your lighters in the air for Better Off Undead. Anyway, I'm a huge fan. I had a poster in my bedroom before I turned it into the Savage Garden.

Check out their MySpace:

ZOMBIE BAZOOKA PATROL

Armagged-it-on!

2009-09-26T00:35:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5766. Hello my Ailing Anchovies. So Dad's been freaking out all day about Iran and how they have a nuclear weapon and how this is the beginning of World War III and whatever. I mean, if it happens, it happens. Nothing I can do about it. I guess I can write a letter to Ahmadinajad but I don't even think he reads English. Still, it kind of affects the way we look at life. Our plans and what not. Not much point continuing this education business if the world is going to end in a couple of years. Apparently all these religions and tribes all say the world is going to end in 2012. So why the hell do we continue to do shit? Let's PAAAARTY! Seriously, if the world's gonna end, I'd like to say I spent the last couple of years of it getting wasted rather than learning about the Magna friggin Carta. This kind of reminds of me of one of my favorite books, The Basketball Diaries, by Jim Carroll who died last week. R.I.P. Big Jim! Anyway, he wrote that book when he was fifteen, much as I'm writing my blog now. I think it's important to record these years. I mean, it's kind of hard to recapture that 'teen' spirit when you're all old and jaded. Jim grew up in the 60's when everyone thought the Russians were going to destroy the world. Hiroshima was still pretty fresh in everyone's mind, too. In the book, Jim becomes a junky and throws a promising basketball future away. Somehow you can't help but feel that the Russians had something to do with it. This sort of thing affects us kids. Psychologically. I was seven years old when 9/11 happened. Later on I found out that those planes flew over Indian Point. That's a nuclear power plant on the Hudson River. I don't live that far from there. It would have been the end of yours truly. Those crazy Arabs momentarily had my life in their hands. And they chose to spare it. Jim Carroll may have had the threat of annihilation but I had the genuine opportunity. Sure, I was too young to really appreciate it, but hell, it gives you perspective. You've all fucked up this planet so bad we have no idea if we even have a future at all! Maybe that's why zombie flicks strike such a chord. They're really about the end of the world. And they kind of help us laugh it off. You might say zombie flicks help us learn to stop worrying and love the bomb.

A brief history of Zombies

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the word Zombie entered English circa 1871 and is derived from the Louisiana Creole or Haitian Creole zonbi, which in turn is of Bantu origin. A zonbi is a person who is believed to have died and been brought back to life without speech or free will. So, the first zombies were brought back to life through voodoo, a powerful and mysterious witchcraft.

Zombies gained notoriety as an obscure offshoot of the horror genre of the 1930s, most notably White Zombie (1932) with Bela Lugosi. Few zombies from that time remain, mostly because they didn't have a whole lot personality. There are several B-Movies of the 50's that experimented with the idea of the dead returning but it wasn't until 1968, when George Romero gave us Night Of The Living Dead that the genre as we know it really came to be. The rest, as they say, is history. Today, zombies are the pinnacle of Special Effects Make-up achievement in the movies.

Here is Mr. Romero's Site:

GEORGE ROMERO

Puke Flick of the Week - Eat Me!

2009-09-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5765. Greetings my Polish Poptarts. Do they have Poptarts in Poland? Call them Poltarts. They come with the jam outside. Crazy, I know. Anyway, only 168 hours till Zombieland! I can't wait. In honor of this momentous event, I am dedicating Lara's Thoughts to all things Zombie this week. I shall be bringing you great indie zombie flicks, classic zombie flicks, zombie music, lifestyles and conventions, and of course, most importantly, I will teach you essential survival techniques in the event of a zombie attack. I know it's more of a vampire site, but Zombielands come around once a generation, maybe. So I can make an exception. I'm sure the week Lestat comes out, you'll get nothing but vampires from me.

I've been trying to catch up on my zombie viewing but Raymond still won't give up the Watchmen DVD which is screwing up the Netflix flow. But my grapevine extends into many of the nooks and crannies of the horror community and today I bring you a little gem that I think may have some definite cult potential. It's called Eat Me! and it's a zombie stoner flick. Nobody tell Seth Rogen.

The disclaimer on the cover says it all:

Warning: This movie contains pot smoking, flesh eating, blood drooling, radioactive brain bashing, zombie begging, warm beer, undead hanky-panky and a heartbreaking testament to the human spirit. Also, some jokes.

It was the warm beer that sold me.

Check out their site:

EAT ME!

Is there a God?

2009-09-24T13:55:00.000-07:00

Welcome To my life. Day 5764. Hello my Scandinavian Squirrel Sacks. I've been contemplating religion lately. I mean, it's hard not to in my house. There are crosses everywhere, big ones. In my parents' room there's like a whole display of these Christian figurines. Helen has a similar set only they're fairies. Like the windy bitch that she is. I don't know. They kind of creep me out. That's why I got the Tiny Tragedies - to dispel all those 'good' spirits trying to get in my room and give me nightmares about Carebears and orange blossoms. But God? Hmm.

I want to say that I don't believe. That there can't possibly be a God out there condoning all the bad shit in the world. And it's not like I just blindly follow whatever my Mom tells me. I think the whole Christian thing is retarded. Especially the whole 'forgiveness' aspect of it all. Like, No! Fuck you! You fucked up, deal with it! Why the hell should you be forgiven?! So you can go do it again? Whatever the hell it was that you did? Stupid religion. And all that love thy neighbor crap! What if your neighbor is an asshole?! I'm cursing a lot, aren't I? Mom's been on my case about it all week. I just don't understand why people are so afraid of words. They're just little sounds that come out of our mouths. You'd think I stabbed Helen in the eye or something. Personally I think the more we say them, the less they mean, so by enforcing this domestic censorship, Mom is actually perpetuating the problem. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, God.

The guy to really have this conversation with is Raymond. I mean, it's hard to get him to open up about anything but when it comes to scientific stuff, he won't shut up! And that's what it is, a scientific problem. Raymond will swear that there's no place for God in science. I disagree. To me, the question of whether or not there is a God is simple. Is everything (and I mean everything) by design or is it a complete accident.

Now let's take the 'by design' theory first. This would mean that everything has a purpose. And when you think about it, it kind of does. Everything in nature is pretty busy. We're the only species sitting on our couch, eating potato chips and watching Lost. This would also mean that there is an 'ultimate purpose' to the universe. And see, this is the best part because we don't even have to speculate. It's pretty obvious. We're it! Well not us in particular but life in general. What else could it be? We are the end product of the universe. Now think for a second what it takes for 'life' to exist. This is where the 'accident' theory just kind of crumbles. I've been watching a lot of those Discovery shows, like The Universe (great show) and the more I learn about what it takes for us to hang out here and bitch about life, the less I kind of want to do so.

Let's look at it from an astronomical point of view. For starters we need a sun. That's our power source. Can't do without it. Then we gotta position ourselves in the perfect spot, not too close, not too far, so that it's just the right temperature for life to exist. Then we need a moon. Without that thing, shit would get effed up pretty quickly. A show I watched recently about Jupiter said that even that distant planet was essential to our survival. It blocks meteors and all kinds of space junk from hitting Earth. So you see it's all a very complex network all working to keep our asses farting around. Meanwhile we're over here, hunky-dory, going, "life is an accident". Oh yeah? Look up in the sky some night. Those are a trillion other 'accidents'. What, you're going to tell me our star is the only one with a purpose? Nature doesn't work that way. Every one of those stars has to have a little planet circling around it at just the right distance. It only stands to reason. The universe is hard at work creating life. That is its purpose.

You see, Atheism is a belief too. You believe that everything just kind of happened. With no rhyme or reason. And frankly, when you really think about it, that actually requires more faith to do. In claiming 'accident', you are denying nature in all its repetitive glory. You are assuming, against all scientific probability, that the universe is just one big useless cesspool with us being the only worthwhile activity. That's just a stone's throw away from assuming that we are the center of the universe (as we once did).

So we need to get crackalackin' finding those aliens. Proof of life on other planets would actually prove the existence of God! At the very least it would prove that we're not an accident. And then you have to assume nothing is. I know. I'm a nerd. But these are the things I think about during Home Economics classes.

I might start my own religion one of these days. It would be called 'No Book Or Building'. I've already bought the domain name so don't even think about it. It would basically state that you don't need a Bible or a church to believe in God. God is everywhere. And He doesn't need any worshipping anyway. We have to stop looking at religion as something scary and full of punishment. Religion is simply an acceptance that there is something out there greater than us. And an occasional wink at whoever's watching.

Watchmen - Grade A Mansteak

2009-09-23T10:08:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5763. Hello my Honeyed Hornets. Just watched Watchmen for the first time. That was pretty cool. A little light on the action but the characters were pretty badass! These are not your grandpappy's superheroes. These guys kill dogs, shoot pregnant women, throw scalding french fry oil in people's faces and are basically willing to wipe out a good third of us in order to maybe save the rest. I like it! It was made by this director named Zack Snyder who brought us the mansteakalicious 300 and this offering is no less drool inducing. There's even some wiener (albeit blue) and plenty of blue butt. Sure, there's a little girlie nipple (Malin Ackerman - known more for her comic chops than her sex appeal - think The Heartbreak Kid) but even that scene is drowned out by bulging man-muscle. Basically, the title is pretty literal.

I watched it with my brother, Raymond (he's gay) and he's decided it's his new favorite movie. He's in his room watching it again right now, probably pulling one out for Dr. Manhattan (the blue guy). I admit there's something kind of kinky about him. I mean, who hasn't fantasized about having sex with one of the Blue Man Group?

The violence too was 300esque. Lot's of blood and slow-motion gore. Snyder is introducing a new hyper-real brand of cinema, visually stimulating and morally challenging. He has translated the raw, unrelenting, neon world of the graphic novel better than anyone else I think. Simply because he's just not afraid to go there.

The cast are mostly actors you might have seen playing small parts in other movies. You'd think that a big film like this would have some big stars in it but then when you think about it, who's a big star anymore? Hollywood has no stars left. They've all kind of faded and gone out. And no new ones are popping up. I think that's because they're all looking in the wrong places - casting pretty boys instead of actors. But I like the fact that Snyder is letting unknowns get a shot at getting known. For me the most interesting discovery in the film was this guy that played Rorschach, the inkblot face guy.

His name is Jackie Earle Haley and the whole film I'm sitting there going, where have I see this guy before. So after the film I IMDb'd him and guess where I've seen him? The Bad News Friggin Bears! Yep, that's Kelly! Like a million years later. Nuts, I tell ya. Apparently he was like cryogenically frozen or something cause he still kicks a lot of ass while sounding a lot like Clint Eastwood. Check out his site:

JACKIE EARLE HALEY

Also check out the flick's viral Site (I always thought these were a cool idea):

THE NEW FRONTIERSMAN

5/5

Vampire Book Of Oya - Inside the Mayan Pyramid

2009-09-22T12:45:00.001-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5762. Greetings my wobbly wombats. So Max finally decided to let me have another picture from The Book Of Oya. For those who don't know, the book of Oya chronicles the life and death of the Vampire Oya who was captured by Freemasons like a hundred years ago. The book was illustrated by a guy named Jules Whitaker, a prominent anatomical illustrator of the time. He spent time with her and listened to her story and then put it down in this book. Only the book was lost. Only 13 copies were ever printed. And Max at the Freakatorium got his hands on one. He scanned the etchings - they're like the length of my leg, and he's letting me have them one at a time. This is latest one. It depicts Oya as she lived inside this Mexican pyramid in Chichenitza. Say that five times quick. The Mayans apparently threw human sacrifices into the pyramid and she feasted on them. No one knows how long she was in there. Whether she was a prisoner or a God to be worshipped. But she seemed content to remain and occasionally helped the Mayans battle their enemies. Sounds pretty out there, I know, but it's the best reason for making pyramids that I've heard. To imprison vampires! I don't know why nobody's thought of this before.

Band of the Week - Nibelheim

2009-09-21T16:53:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5761. Greetings my Morbid Monkeybrains. Today I have the treat of bringing you a Goth Death metal band with a female (!) vocalist. They are Nibelheim, from Italy and she is Stephania Salladini. I don't know, when I think of Italians, I think of tanned people on scooters. When I think of Italian music I think of Dean Martin and Pavarotti. But apparently the Goth scene is alive and well in the land of Gelato's and chicks like Stephania are vamping it up with the best of 'em. I have no idea how her voice sounds like that. A whole lot of bourbon I imagine. Anyway, it's about time chicks got into the death metal thing. Rock on, you crazy Italians!

Here's their video dedicated to my sister, Helen:

and check out their site:

NIBELHEIM

Taintlight!

2009-09-20T00:03:00.001-07:00

Welcome To my life. Day 5760. Greetings my Cranky Kumquats. My how time flies. Just yesterday we were in the 5750's. This is a good way to keep track of time. Remember, each passing day is also one less day you have left to live. I know, I've always been a glass half empty sorta gal. Anyway, the average person has over 80 thousand days in their life. I guess I have a ways to go. Somehow that's even more depressing. What to do with them all.

God I feel terrible today. Cannot get rid of this headache. Helen's been taking advantage of my weakened condition to taunt and distress me at least once every ten minutes. Of course she's pretending to be really concerned which makes it even more annoying. Keeps asking if I want any water or extra pillows. I wouldn't take one of her Strawberry Shortcake Pillows for any purpose other than smothering her with it. I puked like ten times today. Champagne really doesn't taste the same on the return trip. Mom says I deserve it and 'let it be a lesson' and whatever. For once she may be right. I don't think I'm ever touching champagne again. Vodka from now on!

I've been doing a lot of existential reflection lately. And learning lots of four syllable words. I've long known that I want to become a writer like Anne Rice. But I don't know if I'll ever be that good. I mean, nobody is that good. Except Anne Rice. Which reminds me. She's not been feeling well lately. So light a candle and say a Wiccan chant for her. I've been doing nightly rituals in front of my altar. Some of you have expressed doubts that I actually have an Anne Rice Altar so here it is:

As far as Wiccan chants, my favorite is Herne, Hunter of Souls by Ivo Dominguez. It goes like this:

Herne, Hunter Of Souls We Hear Your Horn, We Hear Your Hounds Throughout The Starry Woods Herne, Hunter Of Souls In Underworld And Overworld Your Hunt Goes Ever On

To hear how it should sound go here: PAGAN CHANT. I'm getting pretty serious about my witchcraft. I'm trying a saffron and paprika based love potion from Herbert Hoviak's You Do Voodoo on a certain someone (not saying whom) and I'll let you know how it turns out. No, it's not Johnny Shotguns. I'm trying to keep his tongue out of my mouth these days. Super sloppy kisser. Drool machine.

Anyway, I haven't even started talking about what I intended to talk about. Which is the new Twatlight spoof, Taintlight coming out on DVD. Actually it was originally called Twatlight but that would kind of defeat the purpose. I mean, what would we call Twatlight then? I haven't seen it but I have to publicize it as loudly as I possibly can. Just check out the poster. The vampire looks less like Edward Cullen and more like Edward Scissorhands. The film features a werewolf named Razor McBleed who does Michael Jackson. I wonder how many people are going to do Zombie Michael Jacksons this year. You can get really creative and get one of those portable I.V. drips to lug around. Can't believe that dude was hooked on general aenasthetics! How special do you have to be? Couldn't just be a heroin junky like everybody else. And what's up with all these King of Pop t-shirts everywhere all of a sudden! Why don't you just wear a shirt that says 'I Love Pedophiles'. Not a big fan. While I'm at it, I can't stand The Beatles! Never understood their popularity. Every time I hear a Beatles song I imagine a roomful of retards sitting around in a circle trying to clap in unison. I can already feel the hate mail on its way. I don't care! The Beatles suck! Now the Stones, there's a rock band. I guess I like my music with some cojones, just like my men. Wait, that's all men. Scratch that. I mean... forget it. Also Helen likes The Beatles. And Michael Jackson. She does her aerobics to Thriller. Tacky bitch.

Anyway, Fangoria, my favoritist magazine ever just did a piece on Taintlight. They're really good about promoting new stuff on Fango, especially indie stuff that you'd never read about anywhere else. And it's like the biggest horror mag ever, so go figure. So make sure you go to the Fango website and browse around:

First Zombieland Review!

2009-09-19T13:40:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 3792. Wait that's not right. Day 5759! Hello my Pulpy Pomegranates. Hope this blog finds you wallowing in the bliss that is Saturday!!! No school! No detention! Went to a wedding today. Bride's maid. Thank God the dresses were dark blue! In the right light they even looked black! Helen's been pouting about them all week. All I know is I'm drunk! Not too many opportunities out there for a kid like me to get plastered and basically get away with it! You should have seen me and Johnny Shotguns sitting outside the liquor store begging strangers to buy us a 40 the other day! So degrading! Today I got my champagne on!

The wedding was on Dad's side of the family. Mom's is back in Bulgaria. I think she had some fun. She's been pretty depressed ever since she found out Guiding Light was going off the air. There's another half hour of the day she has to figure out what to do with. Hers is kind of a sad story. Dad whisked her away to America after she had her ice skating accident. She was really good. Like, Olympics good. But she had a nasty fall and broke her hip. Walked with a cane ever since. Dad was an accounting major in college. That should have been a red flag right there. Anyway, she settled into this weird foreign life and basically forgot her identity. I mean, really, there is nothing in her life that even remotely reminds her of her past. She has no Bulgarian friends. I don't think any Bulgarians live in Sugarloaf. She's like this permanent tourist. Sure, she's learned the language, though she still has a pretty thick accent, but culturally? I don't think she has any clue. She simply doesn't get it. She doesn't get our sense of humor, our tastes, our values, our interests. She's just always looking on like a spectator, never really becoming part of it all. I don't know. I think I'm one of the few people who knows where she's coming from. I think we're pretty similar, though she'd never admit it. We're both rebels in our own right. We both have strong beliefs. They might not coincide most of the time. But we stand behind them with equal conviction.

My sister, Helen? I don't know if she really believes in anything. I think she's just playing the part. Pretending to believe in whatever she thinks she's supposed to. Why is it that the prettiest girls are also the most insecure? You'd think she'd take a moment to bask in her own glory. But no. Every day is a constant attempt to one up herself. I've actually heard Mom call her a saint. Can you believe that?! She's got that woman wrapped around her finger. Pathetic. I can't believe Mom can't see through that shit!

Anyway, Dad's cousin, Edie Baxter married some guy half her age. It was kind of funny. I had a good time. But right now I gotta go puke.

13 day till Zombieland Premiere!

Here's the first review:

MYMAVRA.COM

Pink Gym Suit! Arrgh!

2009-09-18T00:49:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5758. So this year Goshen High School decided that they were going to institute PINK (!!!!!!!) GYM suits for the girls. I guess it's all part of our nation's coservative insanity right now and every momma and poppa freaking out about the prospect of their kids becoming infected by that gay bug! So now they want us all to turn into Kens and Barbies. As if I didn't hate Gym enough! Of course Helen is thrilled to bits. She's prancing around like someone shoved a pink lollipop up her twat. I want to kill somebody! I've already composed a letter to the Board Of Education complaining about our treatment (which I'm sure conflicts with the Geneva Convention):

Dear B.O.E.,

I am hereby writing this very official letter because I feel that my rights as a citizen of the free nation of the United States of America are being most horrendously impinged. You see, my school has seen fit to dress its student body in PINK (!!!!!) Gym suits! Now I understand the criminal justice system having the need to dress their inmates in those toxic orange jumpsuits. But what the hell have we done?! I wish to file a formal complaint against my school and the people responsible for this cruel and unusual punishment. Kindly return our uniforms to their traditional gray (black would be ok too) and I will forget this ever happened.

Sincerely,

Lara Baxter
Student

Random thought of the week - Shouldn't the 'g' in gynecologist be pronounced as a 'j'?

Cool Video - Crowd At An Accident

2009-09-17T00:08:00.000-07:00

Welcome To my life. Day 5757. Good day my dimpled dumplings. Sometimes I play hooky from school and catch a train into the city and just walk around with my video camera filming all the crazy people in the street. That's what I did today. And I caught this great little moment. Tell me what you think.

It's kind of spooky. I was just standing there. Everyone was staring at the accident. Some people had cameras and they were taking pictures of the accident. But what fascinated me was the people staring. Watching. Time seemed to stand still. And this music was playing in the background. That's natural sound! Some street musicians. I don't know. No one was hurt. But it was pretty spooky. When I got home I got in big trouble. Mom got a call from the principal about me being absent and generally having a 'lackluster attitude towards education.' I don't really mind the education. It's just the people that are a total bore. Everyone is such a poser! None of them can think for themselves. And if they can, they're too afraid to show it! Anyway, all my ambitions are of an artistic nature. So my little excursion was probably more beneficial to my existence than twenty algebra classes. But that's life, right? I mean, how much of our lives can we really say are not a total waste of time? It's like a bad movie. You spend the first act learning shit you don't need to know, the second act working for the man, trying to build your life one little brick at a time, then the third, when you're really not good to anyone anymore, trying to enjoy what's left of it, while keeping yourself alive with some prescribed chemical cocktail, and needing to piss every 20 minutes. It's all so depressing. I see my Dad come home day in and day out. He tries to get excited about stuff. But it never lasts long. Lies are hard to sustain. A paycheck is a small reward for wasting your life. Maybe that's what this video shows. These people, on their lunch breaks, just seeing a tiny break in the monotony. Maybe for a moment they are reminded of the cruel passage of time, of the choices they made and the fears they succumbed to that placed them in this hamster wheel. Maybe that is what is on their faces. One of those rare moments when life asks you to stop and take a look at itself. Then again, maybe not. Gotta go, Mom's coming. I've lost my computer privileges. Who says home is not like jail?! So you might not hear from me for a few days. I'll try to use the ones at school.

Person Of The Week To Hate - Taylor Swift

2009-09-16T00:13:00.001-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5756. Hello my pasty porcupines. This week's person of the week to hate is unquestionably Taylor Swift for being a goody-two-shoes know-it-all and totally reminding me of my sister Helen. She pulls little pouty faces too and acts like a little victim all the time. So, Kanye 'douchemaster' West stole your spotlight. Get over it! Or smack him! Don't just stand there like a wounded doe and then bitch about not being 'so excited anymore'. Pussy! I would have totally knee'd him in the balls! Prick. Can you imagine being a black star and being called a Jackass by the first black president. That's like if Anne Rice called me a Jackass! I think I'd just crawl into a hole and die. But that doesn't excuse Little Miss Perfect from being a complete douche herself! Aargh! I hate prissy little bitches like that! Hope she turns into a zombie.

Which brings me to Zombieland! How many of you are counting the minutes before this obviously instant classic hits theaters? I'm planning to start camping out in front of the theater the night before. I've got my fake I.D. ready and everything. I'll be all zombie'd out anyway, so they shouldn't be able to tell I'm a kid. I'm going as a White Castle Zombie. Johnny Shotguns works at White Castle and he was able to steal a couple of uniforms which we tore up nice and bloody. Some of my readers have been asking to see a picture of him so here it is:

I know. He's a little weird. But you know, he has holes, I have holes. We fill each others holes. Not in a literal way. Get your heads out of the gutter. We're just friends. Okay, we made out a couple of times. That's it! He's not really my type. To tell you the truth, I've got a crush on someone else. I'm not saying who in case he reads this. But he's really cute. I know, I always go for the ungettable ones. The ones my sister gets! God I hate my sister! Taylor Swift clone!

Join my Taylor Swift Hate Group on Facebook:

I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT!

Feminism and Horror

2009-09-15T10:38:00.001-07:00

Welcome To my life. Day 5755. Hello, my sleepy sausages. So I've been reading my girl, Brittney-Jade's blog Day Of The Woman (Brittney and I share a common aversion for all things Twatlight) and I came across her review of Jennifer's Body and how feminism is alive and well in horror (though not in Jennifer's Body). I'm a big fan of BJ's blog. She gets really emotional. Just check out this commentary on Jennifer's Body:

I was brought to an article that I at first had no words for. PoppaScotch over at Horror-Movies.ca apparently believes that Feminist Horror films do not exist and he hates that the only reason Jennifer's Body is getting so much press is because it's a "feminist" film. I am going to respectfully disagree. I stress the word respectfully because I'll admit it's taking every ounce of strength I have not to completely lash out and be a complete bitch about it.

She goes on to say:

Jennifer's Body is actually a woman "hating" film. It's a classic example of men not being able to trust women or the vagina.

Well, God damn it, I just want to get my two cents in. Brittney-Jade always gets me fired up. Feminism is Horror! And I don't just mean douchey flicks like Hard Candy where the chick actually castrates a dude (and we don't even get to see it!) I mean Horror at its core has a feminist agenda! Think about it. Every single storyline revolves around a woman becoming empowered enough to take on some monstrous male nemesis. In a classic sense of the word, you cannot get more feminist than A Nightmare On Elm Street! I realize the girl has to show her tits first, but that's all part of the 'feminine sacrifice'. Horror chicks have always been badass! And besides, we invented the genre. Ever heard of Mary Shelley?

Anyway, I haven't seen Jennifer's Body (not up close anyway) so I can't judge whether or not it stands up to the feminine ideal. But I will say this. As long as there's a creeping monster around, as long as flesh is in danger of being torn and mangled, there will always be some badass bitch ready to save the day ala Ripley, ala Sarah Connor, ala Carrie, ala you get the picture. Other genres might pretend like they have some 'complex' women or whatever but at the end of the day, throw Sophie's Choice in the ring with Ripley any day! Let's see who comes out first. Nobody kicks as much ass as horror chicks! And that's the truth, Ruth! As far as trusting the vagina? Well, do that at your own peril.

Also, Vampire Film Festival is holding a Trailer Contest. Vote who gets into the festival! How cool is that?! Finally we have a say in what direction vampire films are going. There's a war on, baby! Twatlighters vs the true Vampire fans. We must take back our genre! Vote now:

VAMPFEST TRAILER CONTEST

Puke Flick of the Week - Cannibalove

2009-09-14T00:35:00.000-07:00

Welcome To my life. Day 5754. Greetings my scrumptious sauna slaves. Now I'm always getting these crappy screeners from these indie filmmakers begging me to review their crappy video movies and I always say yes, then I watch them and never respond again. That's like better than writing a bad review, right? And I'm not going to bore my dedicated readers with movies that aren't worth their time or money, so what's the point? Well, I finally got one that I think is worthy of both of our time. I'm sure it's destined to be a total cult classic and I was lucky enough to get one of the first copies. It's called Cannibalove. Yep, one word. Remember it.

At first I thought this was going to be some cheesy exploitation bullshit. But no. This is a classy, very twisted love story from Finland (I know, subtitles suck). It's set in this rural farm place and revolves around this young guy named Sven. Sven is not the sharpest tool in the shed. He's a door to door salesman selling bibles. One day he knocks on this door and sees this girl, Hilda, and falls madly in love. He basically starts stalking her. Gradually she kind of warms to him but her family is all weird and won't let her see Sven. So they begin this closeted affair having sex in barns and what not. Then her father finds out and beats the crap out of Sven and brings him before the rest of the family. You think they're going to kill poor Sven but Hilda grabs a knife and threatens to shove it into her throat if they kill her love. So they have no choice but to let Sven stay and become part of the family. And you guessed it, they're a bunch of cannibals. But get this, Sven doesn't care. He's so in love that he's willing to do anything to be with Hilda, even if it means munching on someone's gall bladder. Now that's what I call love.

I was so into this flick I even shed a couple of tears for Sven and Hilda. Of course there's a really tragic ending that I won't spoil for you cause you really need to see it. The gore is absolutely nauseating. I found myself trying to keep down Mom's chickpeas for half the film. These cannibals like to get into you when you're still kicking. And screaming. Lunch for these guys is like a death orgy. They all get real bloody and start laughing and burping. It's like if those Coney Island hot dog eating contest guys dug into some tied up tourists whose car broke down on the highway. Yep, this one is truly hardcore. And it asks the ultimate question - "What would you eat for love?".

It stars Riika Sillanpää as Hilda. She's an incredibly beautiful actress with real depth and subtlety reminiscent of Ingrid Bergman. I know, what is she doing in a horror flick? But then again, why not a horror flick? It's like we debase our own genre like it's not worthy of good actors or something. You go, Riika! Scream Queens rule! Sven is played by newcomer, Vilppu Schjerfbeck and he's quite funny. Great characterization all around.

Now this flick is so new it doesn't even have a website yet. As soon as one comes up, I'll announce it. But it does have a Facebook fanpage. Become the first on your block to become a fan:

CANNIBALOVE

5 Stars!

Oh, yeah, here's the answer to the puzzle. If you haven't tried it yet here's another chance:

BRAINFUCK!

Answer: When you do the math, the result is always a multiple of 9. Then they just make sure all the multiples of 9 are the same gift. Raymond says they could have made it harder by having less gifts. As it is only one gift on the board appears 10 times.

R.I.P. Patrick Swayze.

BRAINFUCK!

2009-09-13T02:29:00.000-07:00

Welcome To my life. Day 5753. Ok, this had me stumped for like an hour before my brother, Raymond explained to me how it was done. For a minute I thought my computer had gone psychic on me. Very disconcerting. Raymond actually said they could have made it harder. Anyhoo, if you can figure it out, you and Raymond should get together for a nerd-off. If not, I'll divulge the secret tomorrow.

Check it out:

BRAINFUCK!

Till then, here's a picture of me with a funny hat:

R.I.P. Jim Carroll, brilliant author of The Basketball Diaries.

So Unfair!

2009-09-12T21:21:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5752. Can someone please explain to me what is wrong with my binder? That should warrant me getting detention on the first week of school?! Yep, that's how I spent my Saturday. Staring at Mr. McFoy's shining bald spot. I'm seriously peeved. This is Goth persecution is what it is!

My autographed Gris Grimly sticker.

Check out his books here:

GRIS GRIMLY

Badass Bitch Of The Week - Tiffany Shepis

2009-09-11T01:52:00.001-07:00

Welcome To my life. Day 5751. Hello my ravishing rapscallions, This week I'm introducing a new weekly post (God, I've got more than seven now, huh?) It's called Badass Bitch of the week and this week's winner is none other than B-Movie Screen Goddess, Tiffany Shepis. Those who missed her in last year's Nightmare Man should be ashamed! This totally ass-kicking babe has been in like a hundred indie horror flicks and is already a legend on the exploitation scene. She's appeared in such classics as Chainsaw Cheerleaders, Death Factory, Scarecrow, Zombthology and Tromeo and Juliet. Here she is on the Death Factory poster:

Get to know her, you'll totally fall in love. And somebody tell Hollywood what they're missing! Also it's her Birthday, so I'm blowing her a Big Badass Bitch Birthday kiss! You rock, Sheps.

Check out Tiff's site:

SCREAMSHEPIS.COM

Buy Nightmare Man today:

NIGHTMARE MAN

Anne Rice and Gays

2009-09-10T00:47:00.001-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5750. First of all I'd like to congratulate Capt'n Jeets on tying Lou Gehrig's all time Yankees hits record. And in general I'd like to nominate September 9th as Derek Jeter Day. Nuff said.

Anne Rice has been opening up a discussion on her Facebook Fanpage (If you're not a fan, leave my site now!) about being Gay and being Christian and how Christians think that gay people are that way by choice. Here's what she writes:

Why do so many Christians want to believe that gay people choose their "lifestyle?" I don't quite understand it.

And then later:

On Christians and gays: the emails I receive incline me to believe that Christians feel they are not free to examine gay experience. They feel that Scripture obligates them to close their minds to whatever we can learn today from gay people about who they are. As a Catholic, I feel no obligation to close my mind to any area of knowledge.

Since I have a gay brother (Raymond) and a veeerry Christian mother (and a bitch sister), I think that I am in the perfect position to comment on the subject. First of all, gay people are NOT gay because they choose to be. At least not my brother. I think he's like totally ashamed of it. Mostly because of what he thinks Mom would think if she found out. Personally I think he underestimates her. Mom is a good mom. She would love us no matter what we were. That's the saddest thing to me, when families disown their gay children because of their religious beliefs. Mom always says that there is nothing we could do that would make her stop loving us. That's a pretty big call. I mean, what if I suddenly decided to like become a serial killer or something. Huh, Mom? What then? But being gay? Hell, I think she could live with that. Anyway, why would anyone really want to be gay? I mean, they do have a lot of fun, party all the time, have no real responsibilities, no families to support, actually maybe I should become gay. But then there's the stigma and the persecution and the inability to get basic human rights and the occasional gay bashing, not to mention not being able to run for president. I mean, do you really think gay people have this conversation in their head? All they know is, when they look in the mirror, they want to do themselves. That's my personal theory. On a psychological level, homosexuality is really just self-love. Whereas straight men are just trying to get back inside the womb. The warmest, safest place they've every known. Straight women? I haven't figured it out yet. But I think it has something to do with being treated like a Queen. Which is why I don't think I could be gay. There can only be one Queen. And we all know the King has no real power. Like that game, chess. Raymond tried to teach it to me but it was too confusing. But I did like that the Queen kicked a lot of ass while the King just sat around hiding behind the prawns. My kind of game. But I've digressed. What was I talking about? Raymond gave me some special brownie he made this afternoon and I can't seem to stay focused on anything now. Oh, yeah, Raymond being gay. I think he should come out. It would totally make him easier to be around. I think it's like the source of all his problems. He's like terrified of his own shadow most of the time. But whatever, I'm sure he'll pick the right moment. Here's a picture of the happy Baxter siblings:

Anyway, if you want to keep up with Anne check out her Facebook Fanpage that she updates daily:

ANNE RICE FACEBOOK

Facebook Fanpage of the week - Zombie Books

2009-09-09T10:28:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5749. Hello, my Bleeding Porkchops, today I bring you Lara's Freaky Facebook Fanpage of the week - Zombie Books. Zombie's incredibly poignant and lyrical book reviews are something be admired. Just check out the latest review of Day by Day Armageddon:

MMMLLLLLUUUUUURRRRRR , SLLLLUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRR, FLLLLUUUURRRRRRRRRR.
GGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUT. MMMMLLLLEEERRRR..........
8 WERRRRR 10

Become a fan today:

ZOMBIE BOOKS

My Ancestor Caught Dracula!

2009-09-08T00:57:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5748. Okay, so totally awesome news. So Mom and I finally have a moment together without stupid Helen sticking her nose in and Mom started telling me about our family tree. Well, it appears that back in Bulgaria, Mom was like a noble, a Countess. Of course when she came here, none of that shit mattered so she never even bothered telling us about it. Well, our family has a coat of arms and everything. This is it:

The main emblem is the crow with a ring in its mouth. Not sure yet what it means but I'm positive there's a story behind it. Just have to dig deeper.

Now the reason that this is so cool is that with this crest I can trace my ancestry. I mean, whenever this crest pops up in history, it has to belong to an old relative of mine, because that's how crests work. They're like historical fingerprints. I don't know if that how they were intended but they are our only real link to our pasts. I mean think about it, how many of us can really trace our history back more than a few of generations? so much happens that family history gets lost and diluted. Well, if you've got a family crest, you can trace it. So I started digging and I found out that I'm related to none other that Matthias Corvinus. Matthias who, you ask? Only the dude who captured Dracula! Or the dude that Dracula was based on! That's right. Matthias Corvinus (Corvo means crow in Latin) imprisoned one Vlad The Impaler, otherwise known as Vlad Dracula. If you don't believe me, check out his bio on Wiki:

MATTHIAS CORVINUS

Naturally this explains a great deal. I wish Mom had come clean about this sooner. I wonder what else she's keeping from us.

You-Do-Voodoo

2009-09-07T21:56:00.001-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5747. Just got back from camping. Worst three days of my life! Had to share a tent with my snoring ass sister! Cannot believe the sounds that escape from that pretty little pug when the sun goes down. Snorting and wheezing. I thought I was sleeping next to a werewolf! Other animals started howling too. I swear they were answering her call. We were lying end to end and every time I fell asleep, she'd kick me in the face. Dad decided he was Ernest fucking Hemingway and spent the entire time trying to teach himself how to fish. He finally caught one but it was 'stolen' by a snapping turtle. Dad claimed the fish would keep better in the water. The turtle had other ideas.

Mom spent the whole time freaking out about bears. But she did take us mushroom picking. Somehow she knows all the right mushrooms to pick. She learned from her grandmother in Bulgaria. We picked a big garbage bag full of them. Mom dries them and makes mushroom soup which is the bomb! That's like the only thing Helen and I agree on. Put like a dollop of sour cream in there, a little dill, nothing like wild mushroom soup. Of course, in the dark arts, mushrooms are a common ingredient in spells and potions. I kept a few for myself, including a couple that Mom told me to throw away because they were poisonous. I got this cool book from Max at the Freakatorium. It's called You-Do-Voodoo by Herbert Hoviak. Copyright 1981. It's very rare and out of print so you won't find it on Amazon or anything. You have to search out some old book stores. There are still a few copies in circulation. Anyway, poisonous toadstools are in practically every spell. No wonder they're 'poisonous'. If you're not fortunate enough to find Hoviak's opus, you can go to here to purchase spells individually:

VOODOO SPELLS

I tried the love spell on Billy Mathews but it didn't seem to work. You should have seen me trying to get strands of his hair. Very embarrassing. I don't want to go into it. Anyway, he kind of looked my way a couple of times but then he like totally embarrassed me in front of everyone and I haven't really liked him since. I'm still saving up for the revenge potion though. Can't say left any stone unturned.

Band of the Week - Jezabella Kipp

2009-09-05T00:14:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5746. God what a bore! The entire family - that is me, my shitty sister, Helen, gay brother, Raymond, Mom and Dad are cramming into the Jeep Compass to go CAMPING for the labor day holiday! Can you picture little miss perfect camping? Well, she's all into it. bought herself some designer hiking boots and everything. I'm like, doesn't that defeat the purpose of hiking boots? Having them be all designer and shit? Mine are from Sally's Vintage as most of my clothes are. Sally gets all the cool stuff and gives me great discounts. I'm not one of those Goths who has to wear chains and pierce my face a million times. I'm more of a classic Goth. As Goths should be. I mean, that's like the whole meaning of the word - old and classic. I mean, I get the whole death fixation part of it but really it's about all that is dark and beautiful. Nowadays it's just become rebellion.

Anyway, this should be good. In the meantime you will love with this totally dark and soulful band of the week. The band is really this chick and her backup band and her name is Jezabella Kipp. She's French and oh so smooth. Her music will hypnotize you and make you feel totally sexy. Share it with that special Goth someone. For those of you in Los Angeles (I wish) and with a proper fake ID, Jezabella is performing live tonight at the Viper Room.

Here's her site:

JEZABELLAMUSIC.COM

Person of the week to hate - My Sister Helen

2009-09-04T21:25:00.000-07:00

Welcome To my life. Day 5745. Is it me? Or is the whole world on crack?! Today I read this article about how in fifty years there's going to be no more fish in the ocean. Well, there'll be fish but it will be illegal to fish for them cause there just won't be enough. I didn't realize fish was so popular. I've never been a big fan myself. But still! It's like that movie The Matrix said, humanity is a virus on the planet. We just consume and destroy. And then we pretend like everything is all rosy. I've gotta say, I'm not happy with the world I'm inheriting. You all have done a shitty job with it. All you do is judge everybody else with your antiquated values, meanwhile the things that really matter get swept under the rug. Oh, I'm speaking to the previous generation. You suck!

Anyway, this week's Person Of The Week to Hate is my sister, Helen. I'm sure she'll dominate this category. Here's a picture of our family from last Christmas.

Helen is the one that looks like she just jumped out of a Norman Rockwell painting. She represents everything that I hate. People who are fake and superficial. Funny thing is she thinks she's going to save the world. Ha! How, by cheerleading your way into the oval office? I guess that's about right. Just look at Sarah Palin. A pretty face will get you pretty far in this world. Me, I don't have that problem. I mean, I'm not an ogre or anything but I don't have boys knocking down my door asking me to the prom. (she does!) You might say I'm jealous of her but that couldn't be further from the truth. Who the hell would want to be the center of attention all the time, anyway?

Oh, did I mention she's my twin? Mom says we were fighting inside her stomach. I don't doubt it. That's probably the main reason I hate her. The fact that she's made me hate my birthday! Every year she has a party with all her stupid friends and I'm basically forced to sit around by myself in the corner. Nightmare!

But the main reason Helen gets Person Of The Week To Hate is because I just got my order from Thetinytragedies.com. For those of you that don't know it, it's run by this chick, Coral Armour and for a small fee she'll create for you a personalized Tiny Tragedies doll display. Check out this absolutely AWESOME (!!!) display she made for me. It's a depiction of my hate for my sister Helen. It's called Target Practice. This is going right next to my Anne Rice altar.

If you want your own made check out:

THETINYTRAGEDIES.COM

Puke Flick of the Week - District 9

2009-09-03T23:54:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5744. Finally saw that District 9 flick. Had to sneak in after buying a ticket to Harry Pooper. Here's my review:

Ok. So these slimy, sluggy aliens land on our planet. In South Africa, of all places. Haven't they heard of Apartheid? So what do they do? Do they use their superior technology to wipe us out and take over? No! They settle down in a shanty slum like something out of a refugee crisis you'd see on CNN. And they just chill there for twenty years! Until they become a burden on the city and need to be moved to another slum.

In charge of this move is a hapless bureaucrat named Wikus (pronounced Vikus), played by some guy I never heard of named Sharlto Copley. Wikus is the sort of marginal character that usually gets eaten by a T-Rex in the first act of a Jurassic Park movie. Yet here he is not just the main character, but the only one! While going door to door evicting Prawns (a derogatory name for the aliens), Wikus finds some special extra-terrestrial dildo that squirts in his face and gradually begins to turn him into... yes, a Prawn. First of all, there is no scientific precedence for any species suddenly changing its DNA and becoming another species. Genetic evolution is something that occurs over thousands of years, not twenty minutes. Unless the aliens themselves are that way because this jizz turned them into these sluggy monsters. Which means that they might actually resemble humans in their natural state which could have been an interesting subplot but the film doesn't really go into that. No, Wikus just has a very bad case of the Jeff Goldblums. The first thing to 'turn' is Wikus' hand, which becomes a sort of reptilian claw. But here let's take a pause to examine the aliens themselves.

The Prawns are definitely more animal than human. They live like pigs, with social graces that would make Klingons cringe and their motivation does not seem to extend beyond their obsession with cat food. Another unexplained phenomenon. Like, what's in cat food that's not in dog food? They trade all their weapons and technology for the stuff. Which brings us to the next point. Are they aimless, stupid creatures or are they actually far more intelligent than we are? Their technology is obviously more advanced than ours. I mean, they got here, for Christ's sake! Yet they live in pitiful squalor and do everything we tell them to do and just basically bend over every time a human raises his foot. WTF?! It's hard to have any respect for these aliens. Why did they make their weapons in the first place if all they're good for is trading for cat food? Is there something in our atmosphere that makes them retarded?

But get this, only the Prawns can use their own weapons which require some sort of genetic signature just to press the trigger. This brings us back to Wikus, who with his new Prawn claw, now finds himself able to fire Photon Cannons and such. This, of course, makes him tres valuable and pretty soon he finds himself on an operating table, ready to be dissected for some reason that went right over my head. Wikus, with his newly acquired super-strength, breaks out of the lab and goes into hiding in District 9, the alien slum.

The rest of the plot revolves around re-acquiring the E.T. dildo as it apparently is the key to the Prawns leaving Earth. To go where is also a mystery. Presumably they will just dock on some other planet and become a nuisance on some other species. What they should do is grab some of those guns that only they can use and take over our planet like any normal alien would!

In the end, this movie didn't make a whole lot of sense. The special effects were pretty cool with lots of gooey gore and alien splattering goodness so it totally qualifies for Puke Flick of the Week. But in the end I'd rather feel terror for my aliens than pity. Get back to me when these Prawns grow a pair.

2 stars.

Thing of the week - The Gogirl

2009-09-02T14:27:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5743. Hello, my cuddletarts, time for Lara's funky thing of the week. Those of you familiar to my Superfan pages will know that I am a fan of several wonderful and innovative inventions such as the Roomba - automated vacuum cleaner and cat litter (also known as C Litty). This week I bring you the Gogirl - a device that allows women to pee standing up. It's amazing to me that no one has thought of this before. Undoubtedly it will eventually give rise to the feminal - girl's urinal. The device is actually a sort of diagonal funnnel with like a wide suction top that looks like a mini-bedpan. On their site they have chicks skiing and rowing boats (presumably with gogirls attached to their twats) and their slogan is, "Don't take life sitting down." That's right! No longer will women have to suffer the indignities of rolling out handfuls of toilet paper to cover that nasty seat in the womens' John (shouldn't it be called Jane?)! In this day and age it's hard to believe we share toilet seats at all. You might as well go and do a naked butt-rub with a thousand strangers. So, you may laugh, and men will think we're just trying to be like them (as if!) but this is actually a very practical, hygienic (I had to look up that spelling) device that will surely stop the spread of many types of butt ailments. I wonder if they come in black.

Order yours today at GO-GIRL.COM

Nightmare Read of the week - Meat

2009-09-01T22:41:00.001-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5742. Ola, Vampiros, mios. I think that means something. This week's Nightmare Read of the week is in honor of my sister, Helen, the vegetarian. It's called Meat. Having done everything in her power to ruin my life, (like telling the whole school that I padded my bra in the 8th grade and having Jimmy Pompadukis stuff his hand down my shirt and come up with my old tube socks! For which he only got three days detention! I wanted to press charges! That's sexual assault, man! but Mom persuaded me not to - a mistake I regret to this day.) I now begin to wage an all out campaign to ruin hers. This first shot may be small but it's the thought that counts.

Meat is a strange story about this town in the middle of nowhere that really likes to eat meat. There's like a religious seriousness about how they eat their meat. But where does the meat come from? I haven't actually read the book or anything. I'm too busy reading The Vampire Lestat for the 28th time. You'll find that my blog isn't really about reviewing but more about announcing. Occasionally I will say what's what but mostly, I'm just spreading news that comes my way via my awesome online networking skills. But I'm definitely planning on giving this one a read. Either that or it'll be something I pretend to read whenever Helen is in the room. That should get some nice reactions. Anyway, rock on, meat lovers! This one's for you.

Here's a link to the Book's site:

MEATNOVEL.COM

My Sister Must Die!

2009-08-31T23:49:00.000-07:00

Welcome To my life. Day 5741. God I hate my life! All day long I get grief from every type of authority figure on the planet then I come home and get harassed by my own family! Mom discovered my Anne Rice altar and went ballistic. She's like this old world Orthodox Christian and she started telling me all about not having 'false idols' before God. Like Anne Rice is a false Idol! I know it was Helen that told her about it. It took me weeks to work out how to hide it from them. I made it inside this old chest I got from the Freakatorium. Max said it once belonged to Tom Thumb. That he used to sleep in it. It did kind of smell like stale dwarf but I got it anyway. Max was happy to get rid of it. There's no room for any more shit at the Freakatorium. I begged him again to send me another illustration from the Oya book but he's still holding out. He just keeps quoting the Marquis De Sade to me. I wonder how many 15 year-olds know the Marquis De Sade by heart. Thanks, Max.

Anyway, Mom goes on this little tirade, how her daughter is a 'heathen' while my sister, Helen stands behind her chuckling the whole time. I'm sure she's behind it. She's always snooping around. Nosy bitch! Ever since I had my room decorated as the 'Savage Garden'. Her room still looks the same as it has since she was 6. Except for all her stupid trophies. She's got like fifty of them. Everything from State Cheer leading Championship to Outstanding Summer Camper. The only thing I ever won was a $20 gift certificate to Best Buy at a mall raffle. I was trying to win a car! Anyway, Helen is totally jealous of my room. for one thing, it's bigger than hers. And I have my own Bathroom. Well, actually, I share it with my brother, Raymond. But he's gay so he's really clean. He complains about my mess, if you believe that! I'm not really supposed to say anything, cause he's still in the closet but everybody knows. And he has a collection of gay porn under his bed.

I'm coming up with a plan to get back at my sister. Will keep you posted. Here's a photo of Lara's Savage Garden - my bedroom (that's Tom's trunk in the corner):

A picture of my butt

2009-08-30T23:11:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5740.

Thankskilling - flick of the week

2009-08-29T17:14:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5739. I wish I had a cat. I'd have a black one, of course. I'd name him Lestat. Gabrielle if it was a she. But my sister, Helen, is allergic. Or so she claims. She does these little private school sneezes whenever one is within ten feet of her. Mind you the cats don't seem to like her much either. They start hissing and get all up on their haunches like she was a dog or something. I guess they don't care that she's president of the PETA club at school. Last year she declared she was becoming a vegetarian. I don't buy it for a second! It's all an act. It's always been. What can I say, she knows how to play the game. A game I simply refuse to play. Helen has the little rulebook for becoming Miss Perfection and she's following it to a T.

PUKE FLICK OF THE WEEK

Anyway, my Lovelies, it's time for Lara's Puke Flick of the Week. Now this flick is still unreleased and I am yet to see it but it looks right up my alley. It's called Thankskilling and it's about, yes, killer turkeys. I'm assuming it'll have a Thanksgiving release so watch out for it. Sounds like a perfect follow up to the Cowboys Redskins game (not that I follow football). Here's the link:

thankskillingmovie.comg

Band of the Week - Crucifliction

2009-08-28T12:20:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5738. Sitting in homeroom, bored out of my mind. Mr. Smelcher is trying to tell us some crap about wandering around after dark and how dangerous it is. Like Goshen High School is all of a sudden the new Downtown Detroit. I'm only vaguely hearing him. My mind keeps wandering to stuff like vampires and rotting corpses and purple fingered salivating dwarfs with dimples and pimples and little packaged samples of raspberry Kool-Aid stapled to their nipples. Does that make me strange? Like I care! I only have one real friend at school. Johnny Melanovich. Everyone calls him Johnny Shotguns cause he walks around in a black trench coat and wears lots of black make-up. I think he's kind of sexy. In a dark, dangerous sort of way. He doesn't have too many friends either. There's not really much of a trench coat mafia in Sugarloaf. He's always trying to make out with me though and I think that's kind of gross. I don't know. Maybe he's not my type. They say opposites attract and we're kind of the same. There's the bell. Gotta go.

STIFF NECK BAND OF THE WEEK This week's Stiff Neck Band of the Week(you get a stiff neck from head banging, get it? It's the best I could come up with. If you have any suggestions, comment away) is Crucifliction. Dan Walton's growling vokills are intense and moody. Their themes are dark and religious and if I could understand what they were saying, I'm sure I'd totally be into it. I'd like to see them do a cover of Crest's Cavity Creeps commercial - "We Make Holes In Teeth!" That would rock out! I plan to wake my sister Helen with some loud Crucifliction one these nights. Like in Back To The Future. It would give her nightmares for months!

Check out a couple of their songs on their Myspace:

http://www.myspace.com/cruciflictionband

Cap'n Jetes Engaged?

2009-08-27T19:29:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5737. Got my period today. Guess that's why I've been so on shitty lately. Everyone's been getting on my nerves. Periods suck! Although they are nice and gory. I mean that's probably what it would look like if both my legs were cut off. Except for the fact that there'd be two bloody stumps sitting on the toilet. But seriously! That's a lot of blood! I was watching this movie where this guy gets shot and he's all like, "I'm losing too much blood!" Man, I lost more than that this morning! This is probably grossing everybody out. I don't care.

PERSON TO HATE OF THE WEEK
Anyway, my lovelies, it's time for Lara's Person To Hate Of The Week. This week's person to hate is Minka Kelly. Minka who, you ask? Just one of the stars of an awesome little slasher flick called Pumpkin Karver (part 2 is in production). But that's not all. Minka is reported to be secretly engaged to, yes, my heartthrob, Derek Jeter! Now this hasn't been confirmed but just in case it's true, you heard it here first! Everybody knows how much I love Cap'n Jetes! I'm the one in the stands dressed in black with the big "Cap'n Jetes, Bring us the Sweets!" sign. I'm a regular on the YES Network.

My sister, Helen, just to piss me off, recently became a Jacoby Ellsbury fan. I mean, I know he's cute and all but, hey, what state do you live in?! Traitor! She doesn't really know anything about baseball. She thinks Babe Ruth is a candy bar. I mean, I know it is, she just thinks that's all it is. You know what I mean. Here's another shot of Minka and Cap'n Jetes (lucky bitch!):

Robert Downey Jr. as Lestat

2009-08-26T10:00:00.000-07:00

ANNE RICE NEWS

Welcome to my life. Day 5736. So everybody's talking about the rumor that Robert Downey Jr. might play Lestat. I know, everyone is wondering what Lara Baxter, Anne Rice Superfan, thinks of this new development. To tell you the truth I haven't quite made up my mind although I have given it considerable contemplation. On the surface he seems too old. I mean, yeah, he is too old. Lestat was turned in his early twenties and since Anne's vampires don't age (as they shouldn't!), he should theoretically be played by a much younger man. But I've always wondered whether the ravages of time really wouldn't leave some 'character lines' on a vampire's face. Surely great heartache or personal loss would weigh down one's features. Even vampire features. With actors playing vampires, you have this paradox: they need to convey a whole lot of wisdom and experience yet still look like teenagers. That's tough since you kind of need wisdom and experience to convey it. Well, RDJ certainly has that. Another thing he has is a deliciously mischievous quality about him. But can you really imagine being scared by him? Entertained, sure. But scared? He's such a cuddly, Teddy Bear sort of guy. I think he'll make a great Sherlock Holmes but Lestat? I want him to terrify me! I want to say, "Oh my God, this guy's a monster! And I love him!" I don't know. It would certainly be his biggest challenge. It's not like playing some black guy stereotype like he did in Tropic Thunder (bore). Lestat has layers. Lots of them. RDJ would have to reach down deep in his soul to find him. I will say this, at least he has personality. Not like Stuart Townsend. We definitely can't have just some pretty face again. This isn't Twatlight! Which reminds me. Some stupid girl raised the question who was cooler on the Anne Rice Superfan site: Anne Rice or Stephenie Meyer? As if that's even up for discussion. Stephenie Meyer and her Judy-Bloompires better step. Stephenie Meyer sold out our genre! Now there are all these posers pretending to be vampire fans. I caught a girl the other day wearing a Nosferatu t-shirt. "Did you see that?" I asked her? "No," she said. I knew it! It's like all of a sudden it's all fashionable to be a vampire. The whole reason we became vampires in the first place was to spit in the face of fashion! Only vampires really know what taste is. They live forever so imagine how many different kinds of fashion they've seen. Meyer's vampires can't even dress! How stupid is that, to pretend to be students forever. I can't wait to get out of friggin highschool! And then they sparkle like Carebears! Reediculous! I know what she's trying to do. She's trying to make vampires into superheroes. Like he saves her from a car accident and runs her around like Superman. Come on now! Vampires are supervillains! They have to be. Sure they might feel guilty like Louis but they're still monsters! You can't just all of a sudden make them 'vegetarian'! That defeats the whole purpose! So suck it, Twatlight fans! This is a Stephenie Meyer free zone.

Ancient Vampire Book Found

2009-08-25T17:30:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my life. Day 5,735. Which sucks! who the hell wants to be a teenager in this day and age. The 60's, there was a good time. The 70's maybe if you didn't get caught up in that whole coke fiasco. Even the eighties, yeah, they were daggy, but shit, at least they had some character. What the hell do we have to call our own?! The friggin Jonas brothers? Talk about lacking in substance! I mean, sure they're cute (especially Nick. Can't believe he's getting married!) But really! Compare them to Bob Dylan or Axl Rose. Those were idols you didn't secretly have to be ashamed to be fans of.

In other news, stopped by Max's Freakatorium today. For those not in the know (shame on you!) there's a link down below. He showed me this giant friggin book with these huge pictures. I managed to get him to email me one of them. He said I'd get them one at a time. It's a book about this vampire named Oya. Apparently she was captured by Freemasons like a hundred years ago and they did all these experiments on her. Check out the artwork:

Pretty freaky, right? Gotta go now. Mom's calling me to dinner. Will update you on the book as more info comes in. Over and Out.