Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Book Of Oya - The Final Etching

Welcome to my life. Day 5826. Greetings my Zesty Zombies. So this is it. The final Etching from the Book of Oya. It depicts Oya's years in the 'Bordello of Blood' in New Orleans. The vampires took her in and gave her a home. There she gave birth to a child. Yes, that's right, according to this book, vampires can breed! The child was human. Nuts. The book actually gets pretty involved with what vampires are and everything. It's kind of contrary to what we've been led to believe. According to the book, Vampirism isn't really something you can get. You have to be born with it. Vampires aren't really undead at all, rather they are like another species. Like an offshoot of humans. And they do age. Just very gracefully. About a year to every 30 ours.

Anyway, according to the Oya was captured and studied by Freemasons so if it's true, the government probably knows all about them and has like some secret lab somewhere where they poke and prod vampires trying to figure out how to tame them and / or harness their powers. I can totally see it. It's a pretty cool book. About the size of a movie poster. Apparently there were only thirteen copies ever printed. Leave it to Max at the Freakatorium to find one. Crazy Max.

In other news, Time Magazine just called this 'The Decade From Hell'. I don't really have any other decades to compare it to but I still have to say that I concur. What a crap decade! terrorists, tsunamis, hurricanes, wars, economic collapse, George Bush, the Jonas brothers, Twatlight! It's been one thing after another. I'm pretty glad to see it go. Then again, maybe what's around the corner is even worse. I'm not feeling optimistic about the future. For one thing, our already overcrowded planet's population is going to like double in fifty years. Somehow, I think our best years are behind us. My generation has inherited an unsustainable society, an environment on the brink of global collapse - my 2012 prediction - the polar ice caps will melt creating giant tsunamis. Nothing devastates like a tsunami. The one in the Indian Ocean killed a quarter million people. The five year anniversary is coming up. Most religions have a Noah's Ark type myth involving a giant flood. Crazy that in my short existence I have already lived through a tragedy of biblical proportions. I think eventually they'll call us the 911 generation. The first generation of American realists. It's almost like with 911, we lost our innocence. Our world was no longer untouchable. Whether we want to admit it or not, a dark cloud settled over us that day. A cloud of paranoia and uncertainty. Mr. Bin Laden was definitely successful in that sense. He gave us a good slap across the face and woke us up to the reality of the rest of humanity. One of my fave indies is Open Water. In it, this white American couple go scuba diving and get left behind by their tour boat. They see a boat in the distance but decide that it's too far to swim and that eventually somebody will find them. It's this attitude that separates us from the rest of the world. See, most people would be swimming towards that boat with every last ounce of effort they can muster. Americans just can't fathom real crisis. It just doesn't enter our lives.

I know I bitch a lot. And on this Thanksgiving, I'd like to give thanks to the crazy country that lets me do it, that gives me the luxury to rant about Twatlight and my stupid sister and people who talk too much, instead of worrying about what I'm going to eat tomorrow. Yes, Time, the decade has sucked. But at least we can still complain about it.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Lara's Vampire Vineyard

Welcome to my life. Day 5825. Hello my Yawning Yardbirds. Well it's finally finished. Lara's Vampire Vineyard on Farmville. I know. Get a life. But at least now I'm done with it. You have to have an end in sight.

I was reading this Eastern philosophy book the other day and the Swami or whatever he was said something like - "Attachment is the selfish focus on the outcome. Detachment is the selfless focus on the process." I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. It's one of those awful brainfucks. I personally feel that the outcome is pretty friggin important. Why is that selfish? But I get what he's saying. Love the effort, not the result. Well, this blog has been kind of an exercise in loving the process. Although maybe one day people will see it as an outcome. I mean, it is kind of a work of art, as presumptuous as that sounds. That's what we're doing. We bloggers! We're leaving a little piece of ourselves for posterity.

One day maybe historians or archeologists or whatever might read them and try to figure out what sort of freaky effed up society we were living in. I like to think of these things from time to time. It is good to have a historical outlook on life. It helps to put things in perspective. Like how important really is Billy Mathews in the bigger scheme of things. Ten thousand years from now he will be a tiny speck on a tiny speck of a page of history that I gave him by writing about him. If he's lucky.

Anyway, Oprah just announced she's retiring after next year. Another vicious blow to Mom's daily routine. It's amazing how that woman has made herself such an essential part of a woman's day. I'm every woman. Yeah, give me a break. Every woman is worrying about how to feed her friggin kids not what dress to wear to the Oscars. She's worth like a billion bucks, that Oprah! Every woman indeed. Maybe the hypocrisy finally caught up to her.

I think Mom needs to take up a new hobby. I wish she'd find herself some Bulgarian friends. She's so inside herself all the time. Sometimes I feel like I don't know who she really is. Like I've never seen her outside of her 'Mom' persona. I feel like there must be more to her.

Then again, maybe this identity is the only one she knows anymore. It's sad what happens to women. They become whatever society wants them to become. Just look at my stupid sister, Helen. Oh, did I mention Helen has declared herself a Twatlight Fan?! Team Jacob! Finally my two greatest nemesis unite. In general New Moon seems to be getting much better reviews than the original. Naturally I'm currently boycotting any movie theater screening it. Instead I have been spending most of my free time trying to get the Facebook people to create a 'dislike' button.

Our Birthdays are coming up. Mine and Helen's. December the 13th. Not my favorite event of the year. I'm sure she'll demand another party at home where I'll have to sit in the corner again. She's ruined pretty much every birthday I've ever had. She gets like a zillion cards from like pen-pals in India and whatever. I'll be lucky if I get two. This year I want a calf's heart for my Birthday. So I can perform this anal acne curse from You Do Voodoo by Herbert Hoviak. If you have a newborn calf, it's heart has to be removed precisely at midnight. Send it to me preferably dry-frozen. Here's Helen's House on my farm:

Anyway, sad to say goodbye to Farmville. I leave you now with Anne Rice's House in Lara's Vampire Vineyard:

Monday, November 23, 2009

Greatest Birthday Gift EVER!!!!!

welcome to my life. Day 5824. Hello my Escommunicated Existentialists. I just got the greatest Birthday present I've ever gotten!!! I know, my Birthday isn't for another couple of weeks but Nobody is perfect. Here it is! A signed copy of Anne Rice's new book, Angel Time! From Anne Rice herself. It pays being a superfan. I'm going to read it immediately then let you know what I think.

Okay, so I just finished Angel Time. This is not going to be easy. Everyone knows I'm Anne's biggest fan and that I have an Anne Rice altar in my bedroom. That's why it pains me so greatly to see what I consider to be a waste of her remarkable talents. Yes, Lestat is my all time favorite book. I have read it over a hundred times. (that's saying a lot, seeing as I'm only 15 years old). In fact Anne's first three books are, in my opinion, the greatest books ever written, vampire or not. So I know what she's capable of. To me she will always be Madame Nightmare.

Now I know Anne's been on this Jesus tip ever since Katrina and that's fair enough. To each his own. And I assume she believes she's doing God's work by spending all her time now preaching the Gospel. But if you want to know what I think, God has enough preachers of the Gospel already. Her dark gifts are so incredibly unique that NOT using them is a sin. My favorite quote is one by Red Skelton. "Talent is God's gift to you. Using that talent is your gift to God."

Madame Nightmare, we miss you. You revolutionized a genre only to become just another voice in the choir. You owe it to yourself, and to God, to wield the powers you've been given. Be true to yourself. That's all God would ever ask of you.

Your Superfan,

Lara Baxter

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Puke Flick Marathon

Welcome to my life. Day 5823. Greetings my Wiccan Wackos. I really wasn't feeling school today so I pretended to be sick. To fake sick: sneak out on the roof about 40 minutes before parents wake up. Smoke an ENTIRE pack of cigarettes, one after another. Come inside. Cold shower, gargle Robitussen (to eliminate cigarette smell). You will puke right about when they wake up. Then you will be all pale, cold, and shaky. Parents are terrified of Pig Flu. They will keep you home for a week.

Anyway, I've decided to entertain myself with a good ol' Horror marathon at Dad's expense. On Demand! Whatever, he won't get the cable bill till next month. Cross that bridge when I get to it. I think I was inspired by the 28 Hours Later film festival and decided to have one of my own. Raymond heard about my endeavor and made a batch of his special brownies in support.

A Haunting in Connecticut: Am I a jerk for thinking this is the stupidest title ever? Maybe they thought if they mentioned a specific location it would be scary because it sounds more real or something. Unfortunately, it just sounds lame, like when people give their dogs human names. “This is my dog Richard.” Assholes. Anyway, this is one of those haunted house movies where they tell you at the beginning that it’s based on a true story. Then they have stupid things happening like a ghost walking by in the background while the characters go about their business without seeing the ghost. And you’re like, ‘well if nobody saw that ghost, how the fuck do you know that really happened?” Morons. Also, I still haven’t forgiven Virginia Madsen for her stupid Oscar speech about grapes. BUT! It was entertaining. I have to say watching all the weird voodoo rituals was fun, and there was TONS of gore. I had nightmares about being burned alive that night.

The Haunting of Molly Hartley: This chick’s mom is in an asylum and she and her rich dad move to a new town where she starts having weird like terror-visions. And her mom keeps coming to her and saying there is something uber-fucked up about their family. This is one of those movies that wants to ‘keep you guessing.’ The problem with these movies is that you guess so many outcome variations that you’re pretty much never surprised. Anyway, if worth seeing, it’s for the scene when she breaks the popular girl’s face.

The Unborn: So this chick’s mom was in an asylum and then she killed herself. Now she lives with her rich dad. She starts having like, terror-visioins…are you thinking what I’m thinking? YES. ME TOO. You gotta think, with all the jackasses in the world writing screenplays, couldn’t they find a different PLOT. Whatever, the chick needs to find out why her family’s fucked up and fix it or else…I don’t know, she gets anally raped by Satan. I stopped paying attention. And what's with all these actresses looking like other actresses. Like that Kate Beckinsale clone in the latest Underworld movie. I think her name was Kate Smeckinshale. The chick in this flick looks like Jennifer Connolly. I totally thought that's who it was when I ordered it.

The Uninvited: So THIS chick is IN an asylum. Her mother died in a fire and had terminal cancer, but was not mentally ill (hoorah for the out-of-the-box-thinking here!) At the beginning the chick’s rich dad comes to pick her up at the asylum and bring her home, and tells her that while she was away he has married the whore-of-a-nurse who took care of her mom before she died. The chick starts to suspect that the whore-of-a-nurse killed her mom and is a serial killer. She sets out to find out who the whore really is. The chick is all like ‘arrrg I’m tortured on the inside and I’m suffering.’ Whatever.

Wicked Little Things: OK so at this point I was pretty stoned, but this movie has the CUTEST kids in it. They’re all feral and savage ghosty-kids who rip people apart and eat them, but they’re dressed all Oliver Twist orphany cute. This movie almost made me want to have kids of my own some day. See these ghosty-kids are from 1912, when a greedy coal-miner left them underground to perish in an explosion so he could make off with the coal and not pay them for their work. Needless to say the little ghosties are PISSED. Good revenge flick. The main characters sucked- wanted them to die. But the kids rule.

Enough: I don’t know why I thought this was a horror movie. I realized later that I had accidentally somehow changed the channel from Movies on Demand to Oxygen. Anyway Jennifer Lopez is an abused wife. It’s pretty great at the beginning because her husband punches her in the face. Then a little later he kicks the living crap out of her. Then it’s boring, boring, buzzkill, boring, then suddenly at the end she becomes a badass and WRECKS his shit. That part was enjoyable. Is that Jesus? Yeah, Jenny's married to Jesus! The guy from The Passion Of The Christ. Best Horror movie ever, by the way, in my opinion. Took torture porn to new heights. Still waiting for the sequel. They totally hinted at it when his shadow like comes back from the dead at the end. What do you think? The Revenge Of The Christ? When Christ is like some crazed zombie killer out to get all the Jews? Yeah, I'd go see that!

I Sell the Dead: I eat another brownie. Blazed again. There is a pretty amazing scene in this movie with a vampire waking up and dying again like three times. It’s hilarious. Especially if you’re stoned out of your brain.

Orphan: A lot like The Good Son with Macauley Culkin, except I guess an evil little Russian girl is way more likable than a creepy blondy boy. Anyway I’m running out of steam here, people. There is a stupid twist at the end, but I really didn’t see it coming and it was pretty funny. You of course root for the evil little kid. OK gore factor. Nun-murder.

: torture porn
Saw II: torture porn
Saw III: torture porn
Saw VI: torture porn- fun to watch a pirated copy Ray picked up for me in NYC from a sketchy dude in the subway. Ray is nice to me because he knows I know he’s gay.

Hard Candy: AMAZING. Made me kind of want to make out with Ellen Page. Although she does not look my age! I don't know how she keeps getting away with it.

Away We Go: TERRIFYING. Stoned again. Meant to demand something else. This was the scariest of the lot. Pretentious. All contrived ‘moodiness.’ Made me NEVER want to be in my thirties. Might have to pull a Kurt Cobain.

District 9
: Totally awesome. Sad at times though. Haven’t cried this hard since Turner and Hooch. Wait, didn't I already review this movie? Whatever, it's much better on brownies.

Whew! I'm pooped! I think I need to detox. Throw on my Buffy DVDs for a while. Yes, Buffy rules! Fuck off!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Oh, snap! Anne Rice disses New Moon!

Welcome to my life. Day 5922. Greetings my Venomous Vampires. So Anne Rice, on her Facebook Fanpage said the following:

Please understand, I am not "comparing" Jane Eyre or Rebecca to Twilight and New Moon. I am saying that the films I saw, Twilight and New Moon, are in the tradition of female romance. Bronte and De Maurier are outstanding examples of that type of novel. I can't judge Ms. Meyer's work as I haven't read it. Of course these movies are for very young teenagers. That is part of their intent.

Did you hear that? She called Twatlight baby stuff! Notice the emphasis on 'very' young teenagers. What's that, like, eleven? Twelve? I think a thirteen year old would already feel kind of insulted about being called a 'very young teenager'. I'm 15 and I sure as hell ain't no very young teenager. The fact that it's a little Mills and Boon for little girls is kind of sick! I mean these readers are going straight from Judy Bloom to Twatlight! And that's what grown ups don't get. It's not us outsiders that are into these books. It's the popular kids that are into it. They form whole societies around it. Like some kind of Dungeons and Dragons for lonely heart teenage girls. Personally, I can't bear the fact that emotions have become such a group activity. I mean, seriously! Nothing is sacred anymore. It used to be the boys that would kiss and tell. And the boys? Well, I kind of feel sorry for them. None of them will ever measure up to these deluded dreamers' idea of masculinity. I think some real damage is being done here. On a mass cultural scale. We're going to have a whole generation of hopelessly romantic women, all of whom will be able to trace all their problems to the day some so called friend passed them a copy of New Moon. I'm telling you, this is a massive step backwards for the Women's movement. That is the danger of Twatlight. Not what the Catholic Church is griping about, which is basically that it's witchcraft or whatever. In regards to that Anne says.

I'm not criticizing the Catholic church because the Pontifical Council on Culture criticized New Moon. I'm simply amazed that the Vatican took any notice at all of New Moon. I've never been noticed by the Vatican, and I never expect to be. I think it's kind of...well...interesting that New Moon caught their attention.

If I didn't know better, I would say that Anne was a tad jealous of the Twatlight phenomena. Of course Anne has nothing to prove to anyone. And as if twenty million twelve year old raving female fans are any kind of measure of greatness. Don't sweat it, Anne. Stephanie Meyer has nothing on you. And don't stoop to read the books. They are unworthy of your brilliant mind.

Friday, November 20, 2009

My first review gets published!

Welcome to my life. Day 5821. Greetings my Undead Underlings. Guess what?!! Yours truly has just had her first review published! Yeah!!! How cool am I? I mean, somewhere other than my blog. Here's the link:


The site is really cool, too. They'll do like multiple reviews of flicks and put them all together wo you can get different viewpoints. And they have great interviews that can go on for like several days and all the site members can ask questions and the interviewee can like answer them whenever he or she gets around to it. Pretty novel approach. I'm very excited about this. They say your first is always the hardest. Not that I want to be a film critic or whatever. I want to be a novelist. Yeah, I know, I was toying with the whole screenwriting idea but in the end I think I just want to follow in Anne's footsteps. I know I'll never be as good but I can't be any worse than Stephanie Meyer. New Moon is breaking all kinds of records at the box office. They say when the smoke clears it might give Titanic a run for its money as the biggest grossing film of all time. Unbelievable. I'm so embarrassed for my sex. How could we stoop so low. Millions upon millions of pubescent females descending upon local multiplexes with the fervor of religious fanatics. I half expect them to start walking around the theaters in a circle ala the Haj. Psycho zealots! All to see another vampire vs werewolf fairy tale. I refuse to fall in line! Twatlight will never get me! As long as there's such a thing as good taste in this world there will be those of us fighting the ilks of the romantically challenged, culturally bankrupt and morally askew Twatlighters! We few! We sad, sad few! We will hold firm against the waves of bobby-soxer delirium! We...

Oh, I give up! What's the use? Not like I'm going to change anybody's mind out there. It is what it is, I suppose. It's just no fun even being a Goth anymore! It's like the whole reason I became a Goth was to rebel. Now I have to rebel against other Goths. AAARGHH! Fuck you Stephanie Meyer for selling out my genre! It was never meant to be this effing popular! We're effing misfits for Chrissake! I think I'm going to go and mope.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Slayer, Testament, Megadeath!

Welcome to my life. Day 5820. Hello my Tea-Totaling Tele-Tubbies. Don't know what to write about today. I'm studying like crazy for stupid exams. No time for pleasantries. So I'm letting everybody know about the most awesome concert tour to come in a while. It's called the American Carnage Tour. SLAYER, TESTAMENT and MEGADEATH! Those are like three of the best bands EVER! I'm so there.

Check it out:


I sort of have a new friend at school. She's the new kid. Her name is Melissa. I don't know though. She talks a lot. I mean, a lot. What's up with people who talk a lot? Like, if you don't stop her, she'll just keep going. She'll, like, tell you what she had for breakfast. When you think about it, people like that make awful friends. It's really just a sign of self-centeredness. Think about it. You just don't care about the other person in the supposed conversation. If you did, you might, like, stop and ask a question or something. I'm always asking questions. Because I care. As if. No, I don't think I can be friends with Melissa. She's a huge Anne Rice fan and everything but it's not like she can tell me anything about Anne Rice I don't already know.

In larger news, the U.S. Senate is about to vote on Obama's Health Care Bill. The House O' Reps already passed it. Obama's presidency is basically hanging on this thing. It's like he went all in with his first hand. Crazy. If it passes his presidency is already a roaring success. It's historic. If not, he will be seen as an ineffective president. And it will just be remembered as a little footnote. And it's all hanging on a couple of rogue Democratic Senators. Very exciting stuff. It's funny, the rest of the world is kind of dissing Obama already. The Asians this week pretty much told him to stick it. America's might is not what it was. China is our Daddy, now. We owe them a whole mess of chopsticks. Even the Japanese want us to get our troops out of there. Guess that's what you get when people get to see the Emperor's new clothes. Our financial collapse has seriously chinked the old armor. Cause it's all an illusion, man. The whole friggin thing. Like the Matrix. Dad explained it to me. He works in a bank. The money doesn't really exist. It's all debt. If everyone suddenly tried to take their money out of the bank at once, it wouldn't be there. Cause only like 1% of it actually exists. That's just nuts!

Also, Killing Boxx is having a contest for signed Wicked Pixel DVDs! Check it out: