The Problem With Evolution

Welcome to my life. Day 5776. Hello my Jaded Jellyfish. So my science teacher, Mr. Durshank is all excited about the discovery of Ardi, the 4 million year old human ancestor that was just discovered and he's decided to focus all our studies this semester on evolution, a concept I'm having a huge problem with. Okay, relax. I'm not going to start shoving Adam and Eve down your throats. The Bible is not a history book. It is a book of myths, kind of like the Greek or Hindu ones. Myths are fictional stories, beautifully written and can teach us a lot about ourselves. I mean, they are written by very wise people. But people nonetheless. And anybody that tries to tell you that God wrote them needs to be asked one question. Why? Why would God take it upon Himself to record our history? See, the problem has always been that we try to give God these human qualities (and deficiencies) in an attempt to make Him more like us - so that we can relate to Him. Fact is, if there is a God (or some higher power that created everything), then He probably has more important things to do with his time than write Bibles. No, if you want to get to the bottom of how we came to be, I think you're going to have to search a little deeper than Adam and Eve.

Evolution gives us a very quaint, convenient explanation for how we came about. Basically, Darwin said that we came from monkeys. And yeah, it kind of stands to reason - they do resemble us, more than any other creature on the planet, anyway. I mean, we certainly didn't come from dogs or dolphins. But the more I think about it, the more a certain problem keeps popping up. Okay, we came from monkeys. So why are there still monkeys?!

Think about this for a minute. If evolution is a natural occurrence, shouldn't all monkeys have become humans by now? I mean, is there something wrong with some monkeys that they didn't evolve into us? I'm not saying that there isn't such a thing as evolution. I'm just saying that evolution is not the reason that we are what we are. It can't be. If evolution was the only reason that we have brains that can think, then all creatures, big and small, should have developed them by now. And yeah, eventually, they probably will. Maybe a couple of million years from now you'll be able to play chess with your cat but why is it that of all the creatures on our planet, our evolution happened so much faster?

The answer has to be that we had some help. Now here's where things get a little crazy. Cause if I'm right, and I don't see how I can be wrong, there is only one explanation for our expedited evolution. We are, in fact, aliens. I'll let that sink in for a second.

Yes, at some point in our past, visitors came to our planet and bred themselves with our native monkeys. It was an interplanetary, inter-species experiment and we are the result. It is the only explanation. Nature doesn't pick favorites. Without some genetic intervention, we would still be swinging from trees and throwing our poop at one another. Apparently there were several stages of evolution between the monkey and us - Neanderthal, Cro-Magnon, and then eventually Homo Sapien (us). Well this makes perfect sense. Each of these stages represents a new series of experiments when our species was bred once again with our alien ancestors until they achieved a creature with what Mr. Durshank calls 'cosmic consciousness'.


I don't know, maybe that's what these aliens do - they just go from planet to planet, galaxy to galaxy, spreading this cosmic consciousness. They've probably been around for so long that there's nothing else for them to do. They just land some place, pick the smartest creature they can find (monkeys in our case) and sow their seeds of wisdom, probably thinking they're doing some real good. Only in our case maybe they should have gone with the dolphins. Cause apes are naturally a really aggressive, destructive species (as are we). What the continued experiments say to us though is that these visitors stuck around. And guess what, they're probably still here! That's why you always hear about people getting abducted and having experiments done on them. Maybe they're still conducting more breeding experiments. Maybe there's a new stage of 'evolution' for us around the bend. One that will make Homo Sapiens look like Neanderthals. So it wouldn't surprise me at all if we go the same way as the Neanderthals. And why are there no more Neanderthals? Because they were an unfinished product, a freakish, unnatural mutation. The aliens got rid of them as soon as they used some of them to create Cro-Magnons. See, it's an ongoing experiment. So we should expect to get wiped out too. Thrown away like a piece of scrap paper.

I think the aliens are realizing now that they probably made a huge mistake. There's probably a reason that evolution takes as long as it does. We are not ready to receive this wisdom they gave us. We could only destroy ourselves with it. By cheating evolution, humanity became doomed.

Anyway, I just wrote something to this effect for my science essay and Durshank gave me a C-, saying something about how I have to understand something before I can disprove it. I guess evolution is the new Adam and Eve. It is accepted thought. It'll take another cultural revolution to change people's way of thinking.