Badass Bitch Of The Week - Elizabeth Lambert

Welcome to my life. Day 5813. Hello my Perky Polka-Dots. So this chick is like my new hero. Her name is Elizabeth Lambert and she doesn't take ANY shit! I'm going to have to start getting into Women's Soccer. Enjoy.

Mad or Muhammad?

Welcome to my life. Day 5811. Greetings my Mad Muhammads. First of all, some quick Anne Rice news. Meet Anne Rice tomorrow from 1 till 5 at the Barnes and Nobles in New Orleans. I wish I could make it. Anne, come to New York!!! It's definitely a dream of mine to meet Anne Rice. I've imagined the moment like a zillion times. I mean, I've had long conversations with her in my head. In real life I'd probably pass out. Right there in the home improvement aisle. They'd need to get the old smelling salts out in Barnes and Nobles. How embarrassment. Those of you lucky enough to live in New Orleans (I wish), definitely check it out. And if you do, tell her to check out my blog!

In other, much less exciting news, tonight they execute that D.C. sniper dude, John Allen Muhammad. Johnny Boy went and shot a bunch of people in Washington D.C. like six years ago. I remember it cause Mom was all freaking out and made us stay home for like a week. That's where we lived at the time. It would have been fun except Mom didn't even let me leave the house. I thought it was kind of silly. The thought of someone shooting a 9 year old girl was pretty ridiculous. Then again, he did shoot a kid. Actually he didn't really do any of the shooting. He had this kid, Lee Boyd Malvo do his dirty work. The kid was like terrified of him. I always thought it was kind of an interesting story. I mean, I'm sorry to the victims' families and all, but this dude is a pretty fascinating case study. He wasn't your typical loon. He had his shit together. He was ex military and evil as all fuck. He later claimed he did it to get back at his wife. Sure, blame the female. But he was also, as his name would suggest, a Muslim.

So we get to the nitty gritty. Now the last people I want to insult is Muslims so I've gotta go easy. If there's one thing that is generally generalized about Muslims, it's their famous lack of a sense of humor. Remember the Dutch Muhammad cartoons that basically started riots? Yikes! Get a hold of yourselves. It's a cartoon, for Muhammad's sake! Don't know how those South Park guys still don't have a Fatwa on them. Durka, Durka! Anyway, I couldn't help but think about how Johnny's execution just happened to be this week. The week that a certain Major Nidal Malik Hasan went on a rampage and killed 13 people, mostly American soldiers and wounding 30 others. Dude fired more than a hundred rounds. That's some serious conviction. This happened on an army base! I mean, if there's one place you'd think you'd feel safe, it'd be a freakin army base! Everyone's got a gun! But this dude went all Rambo on us and basically wiped out an entire battalion! But the best part? He was a psychiatrist!

So now everyone is talking about how these pricks were really insane. All the bleeding heart liberals are crying social injustice. And I guess they have a point. If someone is genuinely mentally ill, it would seem a tad cruel to execute them. Not to mention unusual. I've never understood that - cruel and unusual. Ah, it's cruel, but is it unusual? Is that like a measure of creativity or something? Like the Saw flicks. Anyway, the question really is, are they just a couple of nutters or are they actually soldiers in our great 'War On Terror'. By the way, Nostradamus predicted a 26 year war with the Muslims. He also predicted the end of the world in 2012.

The one thing that really sets these guys apart from your usual 'spree killers' is the sheer fact that they are still alive (at least for a few more hours in Muhammad's case). Most spree killers like to finish off the event with that ultimate of crescendos, a bullet to the head. These fellows had no such inclination. Sure, they were prepared to die. I'm not saying that. But! Did they want to die? See, humans are the only creatures capable of a death wish. Survival is the most basic instinct we have. It is the stuff of every single Horror flick ever made. Self preservation. I firmly believe this, but suicide is the result of mental disorder. And girls, if you're contemplating, stop! Another reason I hate friggin Twatlight! There is something seriously wrong with a line like 'Death was peaceful. Easy. Life is harder.' in a movie aimed at impressionable adolescents! Seriously!

Anyway, back to the Mad Muhammads. Now I don't have anything against Muslims (other than the fact that they suppress women and stone women and basically see women as property like a pet goat or something), but they are a little nutty to begin with. I really think the key to sanity is a sense of humor. An ability to laugh life off, as it were. But I won't go as far as calling a third of humanity mentally ill. Fanaticism might seem crazy to most of us but at the end of the day it is just passion, misguided though it may be. And there are plenty of perfectly lovely Muslims, misguided though they might be.

Then there's the final question. How do they see themselves? If they see themselves as soldiers are they entitled to the rules of the Geneva Convention? I really hope Rambo Shrink lives (he was shot a couple times - by a kick ass babe no less!). I'd really like to hear his story. We know he was in contact with some cleric dude in Yemen. Sounds suspicious. And he might never admit it for fear of arousing suspicion on other 'sleeper cells' but, hey, Houston, I think we've got a problem. The enemy may have infiltrated our ranks. This is not the first instance of an American Muslim soldier turning on his comrades. Remember Sargeant Hasan Akbar, who grenaded his unit in Iraq? I'm just saying.

All these guys will surely get death. The death penalty itself is something I feel pretty strongly about but that's for another blog post. For the time being, though, I'd keep an eye on our Muslim troops. Especially ones named 'Hasan'. In Rambo Shrink's case the red lights should have been going off all over the place. And if they really love the 'corp' or whatever, they probably shouldn't mind. After all it might save their lives too.

Tattoo Of The Week - Monkey Butt

Welcome to my life. Day 5807. Greetings my Indifferent Indigents. New feature this week. Send in your tats if you want on. Still reeling over the Yankees winning the World Series! I know, you're sick of me talking about it. Watching a lot of TV. God, commercials suck! Especially those effing Free Credit Report Dot Com commercials. Somebody string that guy up! Worst part is they get in your head and you find yourself singing them all day long. Like that 1800 GET SLIM commercial.

Let your new life begin
call 1800 GET SLIM.

It doesn't even fucking rhyme! Begin does not rhyme with slim! I guess not much rhymes with slim. And what the hell are they advertising? Fat surgery? Jesus! Can you imagine that getting stuck in a fat person's head? That's like singing I'm a fatty fat slob and I look like a flabby blob to yourself all day long. What, at least it rhymes.

Still staying home sick. Being sick rules!

Celebration Time, Come On!

Welcome to my life. Day 5806. Hello my Headless Hedons. So I've been getting completely wasted all night. These Yankees are going to turn me into a full fledged alcoholic. Goooo Yankees!!! What an awesome post-season. It's like all the investments of the past eight years finally paid off all at once. Godzilla finally came out of the water and stomped all over Philadelphia. The Shaved Caveman finally crawled out of his cave. And a certain 30 million dollars a year finally paid off.


Jeter might have hit 400 and sparked the offense but Alex had more 'hero' moments than anyone ever. I guess that comes with being a home run hitter. I think he was finally comfortable on the big stage. New York can be intimidating. Maybe it took the steroid confession to warm him to the fans. At the end of the day he just showed his humanity. And that kind of brought us closer to him. Does that make sense? Anyway, you rock, A Rod! Welcome to the Yankees.

Cap'n Jeets gets his fifth ring! Halfway to tie Yogi Berra's ten. And check out this little trophy (Jeets' flame, Minka Kelly):


Enjoy him while you can, bitch!

The Yankees Win #27!!!

Welcome to my life. Day 5805. Greetings my Gargling Gargoyles. The Yankees have just won their 27th World Championship!!! Who's Your Daddy!


Congratulations to Hideki Matsui for winning World Series MVP. He hit 600 with 3 home runs - something only done by one other guy - Babe Ruth. They could have given it to Cap'n Jeets. He hit 400 and actually played the field. But I think he'll be happy with A.L. MVP, which I'm sure he'll get. And Matsui deserves it. He hit a monster, Godzilla-sized home run against Pedro and the Yanks never looked back. I'm sure the Japanese are all getting drunk off saki. This comes 8 years to the day since the Yanks lost the 2001 series with Arizona. The first series I watched. I was only seven but I was hooked. The Yanks had brought the city of a deep, dark depression after 911. They should have won that series. But this feels like they've finally made up for it. They are once again, World Champions.


In all the Phillies power offense was shut down by our three horsemen, Andy (The Warrior) Pettite, C.C. (Black) Sabathia, and A.J. (Killer Curve) Burnett. Johnny Damon stole the pivotal game 4 and the Phils never recovered. And our offense was pretty offensive. It is kind of a dream team of power bats. A-Rod had 18 RBI for the post season, 1 shy of the record - good for him.

There'll be a lot of haters crying about how the Yankees 'bought the Championship' with expensive players. So let me tell you something. Yes, our guys get paid well. And guess what, they're worth every penny. Maybe you should be blaming your broke ass team for their problems. Competition doesn't end on the field. The Yanks invest in their team because they care about being the best. And yeah, they're a bunch of over achievers but you need a team to go all the way. A real team. A group of guys who like and respect each other. And no matter how good you are, there's no way to have an ego on this team. Everywhere you turn you feel humbled. On one side there's the Japanese Babe Ruth (Matsui), on another is probably the greatest home run hitter of all time (A-Rod), turn again and their might just be the greatest post season hitter of all time (Jeets). Oh, you turned again? That's just the all time winningest pitcher in the post season history (Pettitte). What, again? Just the greatest Closer of all time (Mo). Forget about it. I dare you to have some attitude. Babe Ruth himself would have been humbled on this team. So the Phillies shouldn't feel too bad. They put up a good fight but they were no match for the Yanks this year. This fall classic was truly a classic. Go get Halladay and we'll see you next year. Finally, to put the Yanks success into perspective, the next three winningest teams combined Championship wins amount to 26. Cards - 10, A's - 9, Red Sox - 7. Now that's a tradition of kicking some serious ass! Congrats, Yanks! Enjoy the moment. You deserve it.

Band of the Week - Temple Of Echoes

Welcome to my life. Day 5804. Hello my Flagellated Falafels. Not a hell of a lot going on today. Had to see Doc Wallace. He makes house calls. Mom calls him every chance she gets. I think he's pretty tired of the Baxters. He prescribed some antibiotics and assured Mom it wasn't pig flu and now I have to go back to school. What if I do get pig flu, dammit?! doesn't anybody realize that our schools are like biohazard zones?! They need to call the whole school year off, if you ask me. How many students have to die before they fucking do something about it?! I'm sorry but an A in English is not worth my life! Fuck school. What a load of horseshit, anyway. Just an excuse for morbid manchildren to relive their unrequited daydreams. And that's the teachers I'm talking about. Then again I could be one of those strange home schooled kids. Talk about social problems. I guess being a pariah is better than being a hermit. Who would have thought.

Anyway. Today I bring you an awesome Gothish band called Temple of Echoes. I'm absolutely in lust with the lead singer, Wes Stanton. His vocals never fail to make me feel all tingly in all the right places. That's the kind of man I need. A rocker. None of this jock bullshit. Jocks are jocks cause they have small peckers. Everybody knows that. Anyway, my favorite song of theirs is called Snakes. Check out their Myspace:

TEMPLE OF ECHOES

A blah day

Welcome to my life. Day 5803. Greetings my Earnest Emus. So the Yankees lost tonight. What a bummer. Cap'n Jeets grounded into a double play with the tying runs on base and nobody out in the ninth. Double bummer. But we have to be happy about taking two out of three at their stadium. At least now we're out of there. No more 'rally hankies'. What's that about? Looks like the fans are waving a bunch of white surrender flags. And that freaky mascot that looks like a green Big Bird? Lame. Thank God the Yankees don't have a mascot or stupid rally crap. Maybe if they were like black hankies. That would really fuck up the other team. Or maybe we could wave bloody effigies of their mutilated children. Maybe that's going too far. Hey, I've come up with a nickname for our giant, C.C. Sabathia. Black Sabathia. What do you think? And no, it's not cause he's black. It's cause his last name is Sabathia! Get it? Black Sabbath? Oh, forget it. Yankees lead the World Series 3 games to 2.

Website of the Week - The Killing Boxx

Welcome to my life. Day 5802. Hello my Demonic Doo-Hickies. I have a Halloween hangover. So many costumes! Raymond and I went to manhattan and checked out the Halloween Parade. I did the vampire thing again. It was pretty awesome.

Yankees have won the past two days and are now only one win away from their 27th World Series Championship! The Phillies are putting up a fight but the Yanks just seem to squeeze it out every time. A Rod keeps getting the big hits. Cap'n Jeets has like 7 already. He's always in the middle of all the scoring. I'm expecting him to do something big tonight. He is Mr. November, after all. Although he kind of got that nickname like Obama got the Nobel Prize, with his first hit in November. Not saying he has anything to prove, just that this would be a good chance to really cement it.

First they beat a pitcher named Cole Hamels. I kept calling him Camels Hole. That's like the funniest baseball name since Albert Pujols. But tonight it was Johnny Damon with a classic double steal on the shift in the ninth. That's like really sophisticated baseball speak for all you lay people. Ha! Lay people. That's funny.


See, the shift is when the guy at the plate (batting) has a reputation for pulling the ball like the guy hitting after Damon, Mark Texeira. So all the infielders shift over to that side of the field to block as many holes on that side as possible. The problem with the shift is that there's nobody guarding third base. It's a sacrifice that usually pays off. But Johnny Damon knew he could exploit it. After stealing second Johnny just mosied on over to third. Hilarious. There was nobody to throw the ball to. The significance? Having a guy on third base eliminated Brad Lidge's (the pitcher) best pitch, the curveball which often ends up in the dirt. It was a tie game so if the ball got away from the catcher, Damon would score the winning run. So Lidge started throwing fastballs. A Rod likes fastballs. So does Posada. The game was over quick. But it's the double steal in the World Series that will be talked about for ever and ever.


Speaking of people talking, I can't stop hearing about Paranormal Activity, the number one movie in America. It was made for like ten grand and has already raked in over 60 million. I have to admit I'm a little curious. It's about a family that suspects that their house is haunted so they put up all this surveillance equipment and the movie is basically that footage. I guess it's the new Blair Witch Project.


It's about time some cool indie stuff began breaking into the mainstream. There's a lot of good film out there that never gets to see the light of day. But, hell, people need entertainment and Hollywood just seems to keep coming up short. The problem, to me, is pretty obvious. The studios have lost touch with what makes a good movie in the first place - the script! I'm always amazed at how much attention to detail is put into the visual aspect of every single frame of these 50 million dollar flicks. Now if only a fraction of that devotion went into the screenwriting! Hollywood is a victim of its own success. The movie business is so risky that all the risk gets taken out of the movies. They become all sterile and formulaic. Horror films are now all remakes of 80's classics. If your movie wasn't already made in the eighties, forget about it. Why should they take a chance on something that's 'unproven'. I've never understood why anyone would want to remake a perfectly good movie. Unless there's like some new technology or like naughty stuff that you couldn't show before. Although I am kind of excited about the new Elm Street. Kelly from Bad New Bears is playing Freddy. Remember, I pointed him out in Watchmen? Good for him. Talk about a comeback. I always knew that kid would turn out no good. I think they'll go for a scarier feel for this new one. I hope Freddy doesn't lose all his charm.

Anyway, I think we're about to see an injection of fresh talent in the movies. All these indies that are being made are going to reveal talent easier than ever before. Other little Hollywoods are going to spring up all over the place. And Hollywood will have to follow suit. I may be a little biased but I actually think blogs like mine are the key. Anyone can start one and have their voices heard. I say whatever the fuck I want and you can read it or not at your discretion. But it's up to us to discover the new talent. Hollywood obviously isn't going to. I read somewhere the other day that they haven't 'discovered' a new star since Julia Roberts. That's like fifty years ago! Nowadays all the stars come from TV and from indies. And who discovers indies? We do! I actually take this very seriously. It is my duty as a a member of the press (which is what I am, essentially) to bring you information you may not have otherwise heard before.

And in so doing I will also sing the praises of others who do the same. This week I bring you The Killing Boxx, a website championing indie film everywhere. The coolest thing about it is the Blood Donors section. I'm still not sure what it's for but it's pretty sweet. You can start your own little page on their site. Check out mine:

THE KILLING BOXX

I had to put that I was over 18 so don't tell anyone that I'm not.

Anyway, Go Yanks! Win one for the new house. The one the Jeter built!