I am in Hell!

Welcome to my life. Day 5799. Hello my Anonymous Alcoholics. I could absolutely die! I want to find a cave and live in it for the rest of my wretched existence! How could I be so stupid! So careless! So much planning! Daily fucking rituals to cast this stupid love spell! And for what?! Goddamn voodoo book doesn't work for shit! I don't think I can ever show my face in school again!

So I went up to him. Billy Mathews. I'd caught him looking at me like three times today. I swear he even winked! None of you better have told him! It took every bit of strength I had. But I did it. I went up to him and I asked him out. He just looked at me and said really loud, "So, you must be Helen's Evil Twin." Then he and all his friends laughed in my face. I almost started to cry right there but I held in the tears. I turned around and walked out of the schoolyard. Then I ran. I ran and I ran until I couldn't breathe anymore. Then I collapsed and started crying like a little baby! I can't believe a man brought me to this state!

But no more tears! I will take my pain and turn it into anger! I will take these tears and turn them into daggers. I know Helen was behind this. I will have my revenge!

And the Yankees lost game 1!

20 Story Lines and the Bible

Welcome to my life. Day 5785. Hello my Saucy Strumpets. All these days just seem to blur into one another. Who the hell am I? What he hell is the meaning of it all? I think of Anne Rice who just celebrated her 64th Birthday last week and I just can't imagine how you can keep yourself interested for so long. But somehow she does it. I've been around for almost 16 years and it seems like an eternity. Imagine how vampires must feel. To be cold and still and eternal. I imagine them to be very slow in everything they do. They must freeze entirely for long periods of time. Like statues. The world of Vampires must move in slow motion. They have no where to be. They are in no hurry. Not like humans. We are always in a hurry. Like we're trying to outrun death. And why? It's still coming. As sure as death and taxes, isn't that what they say? We all work and toil. Like little ants. And what are we toiling for? Where are we trying to get to? It's all a great big mystery. Too involved in the details to notice the big picture. "Find your place in the world and stick to it," Dad once said to me. "What if there is no place for me in this shitty world (though I may not have used the word, shitty)?" "Then you're just going to have to create one." Probably the smartest thing the old man's ever said to me. He's got some depth, they old man. And some mystery. Hangs out in the basement a lot. Sometimes has his Freemason friends over for poker. God knows what kind of global takeovers they're scheming up down there. Him and Mom don't do it anymore, I don't think. She has that broken hip thing so I'm sure it puts a spanner in the works. Probably TMI. Which reminds me, I've come up with a new acronym: WGAF - Who Gives A Fuck?! I've already used it three times. Twice with my sister, Helen.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, so Anne Rice gets all this inspiration from the Bible. Well, yes, I confess, she's got me reading it too. Anything Anne recommends can't be all that bad. I got the abridged, retard version cause I couldn't get into the whole archaic language. If God speaks like that, no wonder nobody knows what the hell to do. Anyway, the stories are actually pretty awesome. I've also been reading a lot of these 'teach yourself how to be a writer' books and one of them, called 20 Master Plots, by Ronald Tobias, which alleges that there are only twenty... master plots. I've taken it upon myself to link each one of them with a Bible story:

Quest - Noah
Adventure - All of them
Pursuit - Moses
Rescue - Moses
Escape - Moses
Revenge - Jason
The Riddle - Jason
Rivalry - Cain and Abel
Underdog - David and Goliath
Temptation - Adam and Eve
Metamorphosis - Saul becomes Paul
Transformation - Jason
Maturation - Moses
Love - Jacob and Rachel
Forbidden Love - David and Bathsheba
Sacrifice - Abraham
Discovery - Moses
Wretched Excess - Moses
Ascension - Jesus
Descension - Adam and Eve

Okay, if you want to disagree with Tobias and try coming up with a 21st, go right ahead. I bet he's betting that most people don't have that much time on their hands. Likewise with the Bible tales.