Monday, August 31, 2009

My Sister Must Die!

Welcome To my life. Day 5741. God I hate my life! All day long I get grief from every type of authority figure on the planet then I come home and get harassed by my own family! Mom discovered my Anne Rice altar and went ballistic. She's like this old world Orthodox Christian and she started telling me all about not having 'false idols' before God. Like Anne Rice is a false Idol! I know it was Helen that told her about it. It took me weeks to work out how to hide it from them. I made it inside this old chest I got from the Freakatorium. Max said it once belonged to Tom Thumb. That he used to sleep in it. It did kind of smell like stale dwarf but I got it anyway. Max was happy to get rid of it. There's no room for any more shit at the Freakatorium. I begged him again to send me another illustration from the Oya book but he's still holding out. He just keeps quoting the Marquis De Sade to me. I wonder how many 15 year-olds know the Marquis De Sade by heart. Thanks, Max.

Anyway, Mom goes on this little tirade, how her daughter is a 'heathen' while my sister, Helen stands behind her chuckling the whole time. I'm sure she's behind it. She's always snooping around. Nosy bitch! Ever since I had my room decorated as the 'Savage Garden'. Her room still looks the same as it has since she was 6. Except for all her stupid trophies. She's got like fifty of them. Everything from State Cheer leading Championship to Outstanding Summer Camper. The only thing I ever won was a $20 gift certificate to Best Buy at a mall raffle. I was trying to win a car! Anyway, Helen is totally jealous of my room. for one thing, it's bigger than hers. And I have my own Bathroom. Well, actually, I share it with my brother, Raymond. But he's gay so he's really clean. He complains about my mess, if you believe that! I'm not really supposed to say anything, cause he's still in the closet but everybody knows. And he has a collection of gay porn under his bed.

I'm coming up with a plan to get back at my sister. Will keep you posted. Here's a photo of Lara's Savage Garden - my bedroom (that's Tom's trunk in the corner):

Sunday, August 30, 2009

A picture of my butt

Welcome to my life. Day 5740.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Thankskilling - flick of the week

Welcome to my life. Day 5739. I wish I had a cat. I'd have a black one, of course. I'd name him Lestat. Gabrielle if it was a she. But my sister, Helen, is allergic. Or so she claims. She does these little private school sneezes whenever one is within ten feet of her. Mind you the cats don't seem to like her much either. They start hissing and get all up on their haunches like she was a dog or something. I guess they don't care that she's president of the PETA club at school. Last year she declared she was becoming a vegetarian. I don't buy it for a second! It's all an act. It's always been. What can I say, she knows how to play the game. A game I simply refuse to play. Helen has the little rulebook for becoming Miss Perfection and she's following it to a T.


Anyway, my Lovelies, it's time for Lara's Puke Flick of the Week. Now this flick is still unreleased and I am yet to see it but it looks right up my alley. It's called Thankskilling and it's about, yes, killer turkeys. I'm assuming it'll have a Thanksgiving release so watch out for it. Sounds like a perfect follow up to the Cowboys Redskins game (not that I follow football). Here's the link:


Friday, August 28, 2009

Band of the Week - Crucifliction

Welcome to my life. Day 5738. Sitting in homeroom, bored out of my mind. Mr. Smelcher is trying to tell us some crap about wandering around after dark and how dangerous it is. Like Goshen High School is all of a sudden the new Downtown Detroit. I'm only vaguely hearing him. My mind keeps wandering to stuff like vampires and rotting corpses and purple fingered salivating dwarfs with dimples and pimples and little packaged samples of raspberry Kool-Aid stapled to their nipples. Does that make me strange? Like I care! I only have one real friend at school. Johnny Melanovich. Everyone calls him Johnny Shotguns cause he walks around in a black trench coat and wears lots of black make-up. I think he's kind of sexy. In a dark, dangerous sort of way. He doesn't have too many friends either. There's not really much of a trench coat mafia in Sugarloaf. He's always trying to make out with me though and I think that's kind of gross. I don't know. Maybe he's not my type. They say opposites attract and we're kind of the same. There's the bell. Gotta go.

STIFF NECK BAND OF THE WEEK This week's Stiff Neck Band of the Week(you get a stiff neck from head banging, get it? It's the best I could come up with. If you have any suggestions, comment away) is Crucifliction. Dan Walton's growling vokills are intense and moody. Their themes are dark and religious and if I could understand what they were saying, I'm sure I'd totally be into it. I'd like to see them do a cover of Crest's Cavity Creeps commercial - "We Make Holes In Teeth!" That would rock out! I plan to wake my sister Helen with some loud Crucifliction one these nights. Like in Back To The Future. It would give her nightmares for months!

Check out a couple of their songs on their Myspace:

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Cap'n Jetes Engaged?

Welcome to my life. Day 5737. Got my period today. Guess that's why I've been so on shitty lately. Everyone's been getting on my nerves. Periods suck! Although they are nice and gory. I mean that's probably what it would look like if both my legs were cut off. Except for the fact that there'd be two bloody stumps sitting on the toilet. But seriously! That's a lot of blood! I was watching this movie where this guy gets shot and he's all like, "I'm losing too much blood!" Man, I lost more than that this morning! This is probably grossing everybody out. I don't care.

Anyway, my lovelies, it's time for Lara's Person To Hate Of The Week. This week's person to hate is Minka Kelly. Minka who, you ask? Just one of the stars of an awesome little slasher flick called Pumpkin Karver (part 2 is in production). But that's not all. Minka is reported to be secretly engaged to, yes, my heartthrob, Derek Jeter! Now this hasn't been confirmed but just in case it's true, you heard it here first! Everybody knows how much I love Cap'n Jetes! I'm the one in the stands dressed in black with the big "Cap'n Jetes, Bring us the Sweets!" sign. I'm a regular on the YES Network.

My sister, Helen, just to piss me off, recently became a Jacoby Ellsbury fan. I mean, I know he's cute and all but, hey, what state do you live in?! Traitor! She doesn't really know anything about baseball. She thinks Babe Ruth is a candy bar. I mean, I know it is, she just thinks that's all it is. You know what I mean. Here's another shot of Minka and Cap'n Jetes (lucky bitch!):

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Robert Downey Jr. as Lestat


Welcome to my life. Day 5736. So everybody's talking about the rumor that Robert Downey Jr. might play Lestat. I know, everyone is wondering what Lara Baxter, Anne Rice Superfan, thinks of this new development. To tell you the truth I haven't quite made up my mind although I have given it considerable contemplation. On the surface he seems too old. I mean, yeah, he is too old. Lestat was turned in his early twenties and since Anne's vampires don't age (as they shouldn't!), he should theoretically be played by a much younger man. But I've always wondered whether the ravages of time really wouldn't leave some 'character lines' on a vampire's face. Surely great heartache or personal loss would weigh down one's features. Even vampire features. With actors playing vampires, you have this paradox: they need to convey a whole lot of wisdom and experience yet still look like teenagers. That's tough since you kind of need wisdom and experience to convey it. Well, RDJ certainly has that. Another thing he has is a deliciously mischievous quality about him. But can you really imagine being scared by him? Entertained, sure. But scared? He's such a cuddly, Teddy Bear sort of guy. I think he'll make a great Sherlock Holmes but Lestat? I want him to terrify me! I want to say, "Oh my God, this guy's a monster! And I love him!" I don't know. It would certainly be his biggest challenge. It's not like playing some black guy stereotype like he did in Tropic Thunder (bore). Lestat has layers. Lots of them. RDJ would have to reach down deep in his soul to find him. I will say this, at least he has personality. Not like Stuart Townsend. We definitely can't have just some pretty face again. This isn't Twatlight! Which reminds me. Some stupid girl raised the question who was cooler on the Anne Rice Superfan site: Anne Rice or Stephenie Meyer? As if that's even up for discussion. Stephenie Meyer and her Judy-Bloompires better step. Stephenie Meyer sold out our genre! Now there are all these posers pretending to be vampire fans. I caught a girl the other day wearing a Nosferatu t-shirt. "Did you see that?" I asked her? "No," she said. I knew it! It's like all of a sudden it's all fashionable to be a vampire. The whole reason we became vampires in the first place was to spit in the face of fashion! Only vampires really know what taste is. They live forever so imagine how many different kinds of fashion they've seen. Meyer's vampires can't even dress! How stupid is that, to pretend to be students forever. I can't wait to get out of friggin highschool! And then they sparkle like Carebears! Reediculous! I know what she's trying to do. She's trying to make vampires into superheroes. Like he saves her from a car accident and runs her around like Superman. Come on now! Vampires are supervillains! They have to be. Sure they might feel guilty like Louis but they're still monsters! You can't just all of a sudden make them 'vegetarian'! That defeats the whole purpose! So suck it, Twatlight fans! This is a Stephenie Meyer free zone.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Ancient Vampire Book Found

Welcome to my life. Day 5,735. Which sucks! who the hell wants to be a teenager in this day and age. The 60's, there was a good time. The 70's maybe if you didn't get caught up in that whole coke fiasco. Even the eighties, yeah, they were daggy, but shit, at least they had some character. What the hell do we have to call our own?! The friggin Jonas brothers? Talk about lacking in substance! I mean, sure they're cute (especially Nick. Can't believe he's getting married!) But really! Compare them to Bob Dylan or Axl Rose. Those were idols you didn't secretly have to be ashamed to be fans of.

In other news, stopped by Max's Freakatorium today. For those not in the know (shame on you!) there's a link down below. He showed me this giant friggin book with these huge pictures. I managed to get him to email me one of them. He said I'd get them one at a time. It's a book about this vampire named Oya. Apparently she was captured by Freemasons like a hundred years ago and they did all these experiments on her. Check out the artwork:

Pretty freaky, right? Gotta go now. Mom's calling me to dinner. Will update you on the book as more info comes in. Over and Out.