Tuesday, September 29, 2009

A Tribute to Celebrity Child Molesters



Welcome to my life. Day 5770. Greetings my Enchanted Enchiladas. Less than 48 hours till Zombieland! And, yes, I know, it's still zombie week but I feel like I need to get this off my chest. So today I'll just send you to NAZAL.NET, where for only 5 cents a day you can sponsor a zombie of your choice. Every month you'll get a personal letter from your zombie and you'll learn all the ways your contribution is helping them acclimate back into society.

Speaking of acclimating back into society, I just saw this show about how 'reformed' child molesters are setting up camps in the woods because there's no where in society that they can live (they can't live within a hundred feet of children.) Now there's a place Hansel and Gretel would want to avoid when lost in the forest. Imagine the songs around that campfire. But anyway, it just kind of shows our general attitude towards this sort of crime. I mean, in our minds there's no such thing as rehabilitation! No other reformed convicts are treated this way. Michael Vick doesn't have to live more than a hundred feet away from dogs! Bernie Madoff won't have to live more than a hundred feet away from Wall Street! And Plaxico Burress won't have to live more than a hundred feet away from himself! We basically see child molestation as the most heinous, inhuman, monstrous crime of them all! Except when it's committed by a celebrity.

This week, a lot of stars are showing their true colors when defending the child rapist, Roman Polanski. Above is a picture of 13 year Samantha Geiner as she looked when this scumbag drugged, raped and sodomized her! That means he stuck it in her butt! And then he tried to claim it was consensual! I'm sorry, but I seriously doubt that poor girl really wanted some crusty old Eurotrash wiener inside her poo-hole! Anyway, she was 13! There's no such thing as consensual sex when you're 13!

So then said scumbag pleaded guilty and then ran off back to Europe where he's been holed up for 30 years (and continuing to make movies no less! Winning Oscars and shit!) That was until this week when he was nabbed in Switzerland after going there to accept a lifetime achievement award. Now, I've made my disgust pretty clear over the whole Michael Jackson lovefest that's been going on ever since that slimy fucker croaked (why don't you just wear a T-shirt that says 'I Love Pedophiles!' - I said at the time). But now, to see all these celebrities pleading Rapist Polanski's case is really making me wanna wretch all over that fucking Hollywood sign!

Just check out Whoopi Goldberg on The View claiming it was 'consensual'. Stupid Cunt! I wonder how she would react if it was her daughter! Over a hundred celebrities have now come forward to stand behind this slimeball. It kind of makes me wonder if Charles Manson would be frolicking on the Riviera right now if only he'd come out with a hit record or a cult movie back in the day.



Pathetic! Another slimy pedophile, Woody Allen, has just come out in support of his fellow celebrity sex offender. That asshole married his adopted daughter! These guys don't give a fuck! They are not sorry in the slightest! What's the first thing Polanski did when he fled America? He married a 15 year old Natassia Kinski! That's my age! I cannot imagine anything worse than getting married to some slimy old fart who drools over little girls! Disgusting!

So, Hollywood, and America in general, get your fucking priorities straight! Celebrities are not above the law! And they're definitely not above morality! I hope Rapist Polanski spends the rest of his privileged fucking life behind bars! And I hope all you pedophile-loving celebrities lose all your fans (as well you should!) The only person who should be standing behind this prick is Bubba from D-Block. Now that would be poetic justice.

Top 5 Zombie Sites


Welcome to my life. Day 5769. Greetings my Distant Dandelions. Thanks to Alan's World for adding that Spanish flick, Sexy Killer (nice title) to the Zombie flick list. I'll have to check it out. Final few days before Zombieland! I've been putting the finishing touches on the White Castle uniform I've turned into White Castle Zombie which I'm wearing to the premiere. I haven't been this excited since Amy Smart ripped off her own jaw in Mirrors.

Anyway, today I bring you my top five zombie sites. These days there are like a million zombie sites so to save you some time, I think these are all the resources you'll need to meet all your undead needs. The pics are from a new Serbian flick called Zone Of The Dead.



5. ZOMBIE REPORTING CENTER

Get all the latest zombie tidbits from this place. Their roving reporters are constantly out trying to get the scoop. (out of your brain!)



4. ZOMBIE FRIENDS

No zombie is an island. Here's a good place to meet like-minded brain leakers and bitch about one's death. I found a great remedy for brainworms here.

3. ZOMBIE FREE WORLD

Need to get something off your chest? Like a rib? Look no further. This is like the best zombie community forum I know. Leave a message and pretty soon a dozen undead will have swarmed around your note and puked black blood all over it.

2. THE UNDEAD REPORT

Everything you need to know to protect your home from a zombie invasion. Naturally I don't need to stress the importance of this site.


1. THE FEDERAL VAMPIRE AND ZOMBIE AGENCY

Nobody breaks down the science behind vampires and zombies better than Hugo Pecos. If you want to know the bones and joints of being dead and undead, Hugo's your man. Learn about the Zombie Virus and various stages of Zombism. If you're not prepared for an attack, at least prepare yourself for zombification. Know what to expect. Catch the symptoms before you catch and eat your dog. No one knows where Hugo gets his information but leaks in high government positions are suspected. Who knows what the government is really up to with their zombies. Just look at the one that just ran for president. I thought his face was being held together by glue! I kept expecting like his jaw to fall off during a debate. How embarrassing would that be?! Glad the brother won. Can't trust zombies. Give them a finger, they'll take your whole arm. Here he is in one of the Dead movies:



There you have it. Yes, there are plenty of others out there, these are just the ones that have my heart. Literally. It fell out, I cut it up and did like a mass mailing. Go Zombies!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Lara's Top Five Zombie Flicks

Welcome to my life. Day 5768. Greetings my Chalky Residues. So here are my five fave zombie flicks. I know, I'm partial to the comic zombie flicks. I once heard that horror directors have a saying: "If you don't give the audience something to laugh at, they will find something". And it's true, I mean, it's kind of hard to take some of the really over the top make-up in zombie flicks too seriously. You just have to kind of marvel at the artistry and enjoy the gruesomeness. Very few zombie flicks really even attempt anything resembling reality and many of those that do, fail miserably. To succeed as a zombie flick you can't take yourself too seriously, that's all I'm saying. Just think Resident Evil. I also realize that a few films that some would consider classics are not on there. Relax. I'm not saying these are the best. They're just my favorites.


5. Fido
Hilarious plot revolves around a parallel dimension in the 50's where zombies have been defeated and are now pets and servants. Canadian Zombies.


4. Day of The Dead
Okay, so Return and Dawn are probably superior, but neither of them have a zombie named Bub who they try to 'tame'. He makes it for me. The Tom Savini Make-up is legendary.


3. Evil Dead II
Evil Dead with a budget. Though I love the original and Army of Darkness rules too, this is the real gem for me. Plot revolves around an ancient book that opens a doorway to another world. Sam Raimi went on to make the Spiderman movies.


2. 28 Days Later

Okay, this is the one zombie flick that truly scared the crap out of me. And I'm not easily spooked. This flick actually attempts to take itself seriously and succeeds mostly because zombism isn't a resurrection from the dead at all but a disease called Rage. The effects are minimal which actually makes it more realistic. Director Danny Boyle went on to win an Oscar with Slumdog Millionaire.


1. Dead Alive
Peter Jackson's masterpiece remains the cream of the crop to this day in my opinion. The effects are truly incomparable. No one before or after has put this much effort and ingenuity into zombie make-up and for that reason alone it stands on top. Remember, zombie make-up should have some action. An arm should fall off or a eyeball should explode. Just looking dead isn't enough. Jackson went on to make King Kong and Lord Of The Rings.

There you have it. Lara's top five. I have a strong feeling that Fido's about to get knocked off by Zombieland. Only 96 hours to go!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Band of the Week - Zombie Bazooka Patrol



Welcome to my life. Day 5767. Hello my Bubbly Barracudas. This is a real treat. This is actually one of my favorite bands. I've been waiting to do an expose on them for like forever. And what a better time than Zombie Week! Only 120 hours to the Zombieland premiere! Anyway, they are Zombie Bazooka Patrol. A cross between The Ramones, The Misfits, The Killers, The Specials, The Toasters, The Dishwashers, The Penguins, The Dingalings, The Penelopes, The Presidents Of The United States Of America, Madness, and throw in a bit of Stray Cats for good measure. They are the zombie band in my opinion. But people don't realize that their music actually transcends the genre. You can bop away all night to Zombie Shake or sing along to Wormz (In my head), or get your lighters in the air for Better Off Undead. Anyway, I'm a huge fan. I had a poster in my bedroom before I turned it into the Savage Garden.

Check out their MySpace:

ZOMBIE BAZOOKA PATROL

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Armagged-it-on!


Welcome to my life. Day 5766. Hello my Ailing Anchovies. So Dad's been freaking out all day about Iran and how they have a nuclear weapon and how this is the beginning of World War III and whatever. I mean, if it happens, it happens. Nothing I can do about it. I guess I can write a letter to Ahmadinajad but I don't even think he reads English. Still, it kind of affects the way we look at life. Our plans and what not. Not much point continuing this education business if the world is going to end in a couple of years. Apparently all these religions and tribes all say the world is going to end in 2012. So why the hell do we continue to do shit? Let's PAAAARTY! Seriously, if the world's gonna end, I'd like to say I spent the last couple of years of it getting wasted rather than learning about the Magna friggin Carta. This kind of reminds of me of one of my favorite books, The Basketball Diaries, by Jim Carroll who died last week. R.I.P. Big Jim! Anyway, he wrote that book when he was fifteen, much as I'm writing my blog now. I think it's important to record these years. I mean, it's kind of hard to recapture that 'teen' spirit when you're all old and jaded. Jim grew up in the 60's when everyone thought the Russians were going to destroy the world. Hiroshima was still pretty fresh in everyone's mind, too. In the book, Jim becomes a junky and throws a promising basketball future away. Somehow you can't help but feel that the Russians had something to do with it. This sort of thing affects us kids. Psychologically. I was seven years old when 9/11 happened. Later on I found out that those planes flew over Indian Point. That's a nuclear power plant on the Hudson River. I don't live that far from there. It would have been the end of yours truly. Those crazy Arabs momentarily had my life in their hands. And they chose to spare it. Jim Carroll may have had the threat of annihilation but I had the genuine opportunity. Sure, I was too young to really appreciate it, but hell, it gives you perspective. You've all fucked up this planet so bad we have no idea if we even have a future at all! Maybe that's why zombie flicks strike such a chord. They're really about the end of the world. And they kind of help us laugh it off. You might say zombie flicks help us learn to stop worrying and love the bomb.




A brief history of Zombies

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the word Zombie entered English circa 1871 and is derived from the Louisiana Creole or Haitian Creole zonbi, which in turn is of Bantu origin. A zonbi is a person who is believed to have died and been brought back to life without speech or free will. So, the first zombies were brought back to life through voodoo, a powerful and mysterious witchcraft.

Zombies gained notoriety as an obscure offshoot of the horror genre of the 1930s, most notably White Zombie (1932) with Bela Lugosi. Few zombies from that time remain, mostly because they didn't have a whole lot personality. There are several B-Movies of the 50's that experimented with the idea of the dead returning but it wasn't until 1968, when George Romero gave us Night Of The Living Dead that the genre as we know it really came to be. The rest, as they say, is history. Today, zombies are the pinnacle of Special Effects Make-up achievement in the movies.

Here is Mr. Romero's Site:

GEORGE ROMERO

Friday, September 25, 2009

Puke Flick of the Week - Eat Me!



Welcome to my life. Day 5765. Greetings my Polish Poptarts. Do they have Poptarts in Poland? Call them Poltarts. They come with the jam outside. Crazy, I know. Anyway, only 168 hours till Zombieland! I can't wait. In honor of this momentous event, I am dedicating Lara's Thoughts to all things Zombie this week. I shall be bringing you great indie zombie flicks, classic zombie flicks, zombie music, lifestyles and conventions, and of course, most importantly, I will teach you essential survival techniques in the event of a zombie attack. I know it's more of a vampire site, but Zombielands come around once a generation, maybe. So I can make an exception. I'm sure the week Lestat comes out, you'll get nothing but vampires from me.

I've been trying to catch up on my zombie viewing but Raymond still won't give up the Watchmen DVD which is screwing up the Netflix flow. But my grapevine extends into many of the nooks and crannies of the horror community and today I bring you a little gem that I think may have some definite cult potential. It's called Eat Me! and it's a zombie stoner flick. Nobody tell Seth Rogen.

The disclaimer on the cover says it all:

Warning: This movie contains pot smoking, flesh eating, blood drooling, radioactive brain bashing, zombie begging, warm beer, undead hanky-panky and a heartbreaking testament to the human spirit. Also, some jokes.

It was the warm beer that sold me.

Check out their site:

EAT ME!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Is there a God?

Welcome To my life. Day 5764. Hello my Scandinavian Squirrel Sacks. I've been contemplating religion lately. I mean, it's hard not to in my house. There are crosses everywhere, big ones. In my parents' room there's like a whole display of these Christian figurines. Helen has a similar set only they're fairies. Like the windy bitch that she is. I don't know. They kind of creep me out. That's why I got the Tiny Tragedies - to dispel all those 'good' spirits trying to get in my room and give me nightmares about Carebears and orange blossoms. But God? Hmm.

I want to say that I don't believe. That there can't possibly be a God out there condoning all the bad shit in the world. And it's not like I just blindly follow whatever my Mom tells me. I think the whole Christian thing is retarded. Especially the whole 'forgiveness' aspect of it all. Like, No! Fuck you! You fucked up, deal with it! Why the hell should you be forgiven?! So you can go do it again? Whatever the hell it was that you did? Stupid religion. And all that love thy neighbor crap! What if your neighbor is an asshole?! I'm cursing a lot, aren't I? Mom's been on my case about it all week. I just don't understand why people are so afraid of words. They're just little sounds that come out of our mouths. You'd think I stabbed Helen in the eye or something. Personally I think the more we say them, the less they mean, so by enforcing this domestic censorship, Mom is actually perpetuating the problem. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, God.

The guy to really have this conversation with is Raymond. I mean, it's hard to get him to open up about anything but when it comes to scientific stuff, he won't shut up! And that's what it is, a scientific problem. Raymond will swear that there's no place for God in science. I disagree. To me, the question of whether or not there is a God is simple. Is everything (and I mean everything) by design or is it a complete accident.

Now let's take the 'by design' theory first. This would mean that everything has a purpose. And when you think about it, it kind of does. Everything in nature is pretty busy. We're the only species sitting on our couch, eating potato chips and watching Lost. This would also mean that there is an 'ultimate purpose' to the universe. And see, this is the best part because we don't even have to speculate. It's pretty obvious. We're it! Well not us in particular but life in general. What else could it be? We are the end product of the universe. Now think for a second what it takes for 'life' to exist. This is where the 'accident' theory just kind of crumbles. I've been watching a lot of those Discovery shows, like The Universe (great show) and the more I learn about what it takes for us to hang out here and bitch about life, the less I kind of want to do so.

Let's look at it from an astronomical point of view. For starters we need a sun. That's our power source. Can't do without it. Then we gotta position ourselves in the perfect spot, not too close, not too far, so that it's just the right temperature for life to exist. Then we need a moon. Without that thing, shit would get effed up pretty quickly. A show I watched recently about Jupiter said that even that distant planet was essential to our survival. It blocks meteors and all kinds of space junk from hitting Earth. So you see it's all a very complex network all working to keep our asses farting around. Meanwhile we're over here, hunky-dory, going, "life is an accident". Oh yeah? Look up in the sky some night. Those are a trillion other 'accidents'. What, you're going to tell me our star is the only one with a purpose? Nature doesn't work that way. Every one of those stars has to have a little planet circling around it at just the right distance. It only stands to reason. The universe is hard at work creating life. That is its purpose.

You see, Atheism is a belief too. You believe that everything just kind of happened. With no rhyme or reason. And frankly, when you really think about it, that actually requires more faith to do. In claiming 'accident', you are denying nature in all its repetitive glory. You are assuming, against all scientific probability, that the universe is just one big useless cesspool with us being the only worthwhile activity. That's just a stone's throw away from assuming that we are the center of the universe (as we once did).

So we need to get crackalackin' finding those aliens. Proof of life on other planets would actually prove the existence of God! At the very least it would prove that we're not an accident. And then you have to assume nothing is. I know. I'm a nerd. But these are the things I think about during Home Economics classes.

I might start my own religion one of these days. It would be called 'No Book Or Building'. I've already bought the domain name so don't even think about it. It would basically state that you don't need a Bible or a church to believe in God. God is everywhere. And He doesn't need any worshipping anyway. We have to stop looking at religion as something scary and full of punishment. Religion is simply an acceptance that there is something out there greater than us. And an occasional wink at whoever's watching.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Watchmen - Grade A Mansteak

Welcome to my life. Day 5763. Hello my Honeyed Hornets. Just watched Watchmen for the first time. That was pretty cool. A little light on the action but the characters were pretty badass! These are not your grandpappy's superheroes. These guys kill dogs, shoot pregnant women, throw scalding french fry oil in people's faces and are basically willing to wipe out a good third of us in order to maybe save the rest. I like it! It was made by this director named Zack Snyder who brought us the mansteakalicious 300 and this offering is no less drool inducing. There's even some wiener (albeit blue) and plenty of blue butt. Sure, there's a little girlie nipple (Malin Ackerman - known more for her comic chops than her sex appeal - think The Heartbreak Kid) but even that scene is drowned out by bulging man-muscle. Basically, the title is pretty literal.

I watched it with my brother, Raymond (he's gay) and he's decided it's his new favorite movie. He's in his room watching it again right now, probably pulling one out for Dr. Manhattan (the blue guy). I admit there's something kind of kinky about him. I mean, who hasn't fantasized about having sex with one of the Blue Man Group?

The violence too was 300esque. Lot's of blood and slow-motion gore. Snyder is introducing a new hyper-real brand of cinema, visually stimulating and morally challenging. He has translated the raw, unrelenting, neon world of the graphic novel better than anyone else I think. Simply because he's just not afraid to go there.

The cast are mostly actors you might have seen playing small parts in other movies. You'd think that a big film like this would have some big stars in it but then when you think about it, who's a big star anymore? Hollywood has no stars left. They've all kind of faded and gone out. And no new ones are popping up. I think that's because they're all looking in the wrong places - casting pretty boys instead of actors. But I like the fact that Snyder is letting unknowns get a shot at getting known. For me the most interesting discovery in the film was this guy that played Rorschach, the inkblot face guy.

His name is Jackie Earle Haley and the whole film I'm sitting there going, where have I see this guy before. So after the film I IMDb'd him and guess where I've seen him? The Bad News Friggin Bears! Yep, that's Kelly! Like a million years later. Nuts, I tell ya. Apparently he was like cryogenically frozen or something cause he still kicks a lot of ass while sounding a lot like Clint Eastwood. Check out his site:

JACKIE EARLE HALEY


Also check out the flick's viral Site (I always thought these were a cool idea):

THE NEW FRONTIERSMAN


5/5

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Vampire Book Of Oya - Inside the Mayan Pyramid


Welcome to my life. Day 5762. Greetings my wobbly wombats. So Max finally decided to let me have another picture from The Book Of Oya. For those who don't know, the book of Oya chronicles the life and death of the Vampire Oya who was captured by Freemasons like a hundred years ago. The book was illustrated by a guy named Jules Whitaker, a prominent anatomical illustrator of the time. He spent time with her and listened to her story and then put it down in this book. Only the book was lost. Only 13 copies were ever printed. And Max at the Freakatorium got his hands on one. He scanned the etchings - they're like the length of my leg, and he's letting me have them one at a time. This is latest one. It depicts Oya as she lived inside this Mexican pyramid in Chichenitza. Say that five times quick. The Mayans apparently threw human sacrifices into the pyramid and she feasted on them. No one knows how long she was in there. Whether she was a prisoner or a God to be worshipped. But she seemed content to remain and occasionally helped the Mayans battle their enemies. Sounds pretty out there, I know, but it's the best reason for making pyramids that I've heard. To imprison vampires! I don't know why nobody's thought of this before.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Band of the Week - Nibelheim

Welcome to my life. Day 5761. Greetings my Morbid Monkeybrains. Today I have the treat of bringing you a Goth Death metal band with a female (!) vocalist. They are Nibelheim, from Italy and she is Stephania Salladini. I don't know, when I think of Italians, I think of tanned people on scooters. When I think of Italian music I think of Dean Martin and Pavarotti. But apparently the Goth scene is alive and well in the land of Gelato's and chicks like Stephania are vamping it up with the best of 'em. I have no idea how her voice sounds like that. A whole lot of bourbon I imagine. Anyway, it's about time chicks got into the death metal thing. Rock on, you crazy Italians!


Here's their video dedicated to my sister, Helen:




and check out their site:

NIBELHEIM

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Taintlight!


Welcome To my life. Day 5760. Greetings my Cranky Kumquats. My how time flies. Just yesterday we were in the 5750's. This is a good way to keep track of time. Remember, each passing day is also one less day you have left to live. I know, I've always been a glass half empty sorta gal. Anyway, the average person has over 80 thousand days in their life. I guess I have a ways to go. Somehow that's even more depressing. What to do with them all.

God I feel terrible today. Cannot get rid of this headache. Helen's been taking advantage of my weakened condition to taunt and distress me at least once every ten minutes. Of course she's pretending to be really concerned which makes it even more annoying. Keeps asking if I want any water or extra pillows. I wouldn't take one of her Strawberry Shortcake Pillows for any purpose other than smothering her with it. I puked like ten times today. Champagne really doesn't taste the same on the return trip. Mom says I deserve it and 'let it be a lesson' and whatever. For once she may be right. I don't think I'm ever touching champagne again. Vodka from now on!

I've been doing a lot of existential reflection lately. And learning lots of four syllable words. I've long known that I want to become a writer like Anne Rice. But I don't know if I'll ever be that good. I mean, nobody is that good. Except Anne Rice. Which reminds me. She's not been feeling well lately. So light a candle and say a Wiccan chant for her. I've been doing nightly rituals in front of my altar. Some of you have expressed doubts that I actually have an Anne Rice Altar so here it is:



As far as Wiccan chants, my favorite is Herne, Hunter of Souls by Ivo Dominguez. It goes like this:

Herne, Hunter Of Souls We Hear Your Horn, We Hear Your Hounds Throughout The Starry Woods Herne, Hunter Of Souls In Underworld And Overworld Your Hunt Goes Ever On

To hear how it should sound go here: PAGAN CHANT. I'm getting pretty serious about my witchcraft. I'm trying a saffron and paprika based love potion from Herbert Hoviak's You Do Voodoo on a certain someone (not saying whom) and I'll let you know how it turns out. No, it's not Johnny Shotguns. I'm trying to keep his tongue out of my mouth these days. Super sloppy kisser. Drool machine.

Anyway, I haven't even started talking about what I intended to talk about. Which is the new Twatlight spoof, Taintlight coming out on DVD. Actually it was originally called Twatlight but that would kind of defeat the purpose. I mean, what would we call Twatlight then? I haven't seen it but I have to publicize it as loudly as I possibly can. Just check out the poster. The vampire looks less like Edward Cullen and more like Edward Scissorhands. The film features a werewolf named Razor McBleed who does Michael Jackson. I wonder how many people are going to do Zombie Michael Jacksons this year. You can get really creative and get one of those portable I.V. drips to lug around. Can't believe that dude was hooked on general aenasthetics! How special do you have to be? Couldn't just be a heroin junky like everybody else. And what's up with all these King of Pop t-shirts everywhere all of a sudden! Why don't you just wear a shirt that says 'I Love Pedophiles'. Not a big fan. While I'm at it, I can't stand The Beatles! Never understood their popularity. Every time I hear a Beatles song I imagine a roomful of retards sitting around in a circle trying to clap in unison. I can already feel the hate mail on its way. I don't care! The Beatles suck! Now the Stones, there's a rock band. I guess I like my music with some cojones, just like my men. Wait, that's all men. Scratch that. I mean... forget it. Also Helen likes The Beatles. And Michael Jackson. She does her aerobics to Thriller. Tacky bitch.

Anyway, Fangoria, my favoritist magazine ever just did a piece on Taintlight. They're really good about promoting new stuff on Fango, especially indie stuff that you'd never read about anywhere else. And it's like the biggest horror mag ever, so go figure. So make sure you go to the Fango website and browse around:

Saturday, September 19, 2009

First Zombieland Review!


Welcome to my life. Day 3792. Wait that's not right. Day 5759! Hello my Pulpy Pomegranates. Hope this blog finds you wallowing in the bliss that is Saturday!!! No school! No detention! Went to a wedding today. Bride's maid. Thank God the dresses were dark blue! In the right light they even looked black! Helen's been pouting about them all week. All I know is I'm drunk! Not too many opportunities out there for a kid like me to get plastered and basically get away with it! You should have seen me and Johnny Shotguns sitting outside the liquor store begging strangers to buy us a 40 the other day! So degrading! Today I got my champagne on!


The wedding was on Dad's side of the family. Mom's is back in Bulgaria. I think she had some fun. She's been pretty depressed ever since she found out Guiding Light was going off the air. There's another half hour of the day she has to figure out what to do with. Hers is kind of a sad story. Dad whisked her away to America after she had her ice skating accident. She was really good. Like, Olympics good. But she had a nasty fall and broke her hip. Walked with a cane ever since. Dad was an accounting major in college. That should have been a red flag right there. Anyway, she settled into this weird foreign life and basically forgot her identity. I mean, really, there is nothing in her life that even remotely reminds her of her past. She has no Bulgarian friends. I don't think any Bulgarians live in Sugarloaf. She's like this permanent tourist. Sure, she's learned the language, though she still has a pretty thick accent, but culturally? I don't think she has any clue. She simply doesn't get it. She doesn't get our sense of humor, our tastes, our values, our interests. She's just always looking on like a spectator, never really becoming part of it all. I don't know. I think I'm one of the few people who knows where she's coming from. I think we're pretty similar, though she'd never admit it. We're both rebels in our own right. We both have strong beliefs. They might not coincide most of the time. But we stand behind them with equal conviction.


My sister, Helen? I don't know if she really believes in anything. I think she's just playing the part. Pretending to believe in whatever she thinks she's supposed to. Why is it that the prettiest girls are also the most insecure? You'd think she'd take a moment to bask in her own glory. But no. Every day is a constant attempt to one up herself. I've actually heard Mom call her a saint. Can you believe that?! She's got that woman wrapped around her finger. Pathetic. I can't believe Mom can't see through that shit!

Anyway, Dad's cousin, Edie Baxter married some guy half her age. It was kind of funny. I had a good time. But right now I gotta go puke.

13 day till Zombieland Premiere!

Here's the first review:

MYMAVRA.COM

Friday, September 18, 2009

Pink Gym Suit! Arrgh!



Welcome to my life. Day 5758. So this year Goshen High School decided that they were going to institute PINK (!!!!!!!) GYM suits for the girls. I guess it's all part of our nation's coservative insanity right now and every momma and poppa freaking out about the prospect of their kids becoming infected by that gay bug! So now they want us all to turn into Kens and Barbies. As if I didn't hate Gym enough! Of course Helen is thrilled to bits. She's prancing around like someone shoved a pink lollipop up her twat. I want to kill somebody! I've already composed a letter to the Board Of Education complaining about our treatment (which I'm sure conflicts with the Geneva Convention):

Dear B.O.E.,

I am hereby writing this very official letter because I feel that my rights as a citizen of the free nation of the United States of America are being most horrendously impinged. You see, my school has seen fit to dress its student body in PINK (!!!!!) Gym suits! Now I understand the criminal justice system having the need to dress their inmates in those toxic orange jumpsuits. But what the hell have we done?! I wish to file a formal complaint against my school and the people responsible for this cruel and unusual punishment. Kindly return our uniforms to their traditional gray (black would be ok too) and I will forget this ever happened.

Sincerely,

Lara Baxter
Student

Random thought of the week - Shouldn't the 'g' in gynecologist be pronounced as a 'j'?

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Cool Video - Crowd At An Accident

Welcome To my life. Day 5757. Good day my dimpled dumplings. Sometimes I play hooky from school and catch a train into the city and just walk around with my video camera filming all the crazy people in the street. That's what I did today. And I caught this great little moment. Tell me what you think.

video

It's kind of spooky. I was just standing there. Everyone was staring at the accident. Some people had cameras and they were taking pictures of the accident. But what fascinated me was the people staring. Watching. Time seemed to stand still. And this music was playing in the background. That's natural sound! Some street musicians. I don't know. No one was hurt. But it was pretty spooky. When I got home I got in big trouble. Mom got a call from the principal about me being absent and generally having a 'lackluster attitude towards education.' I don't really mind the education. It's just the people that are a total bore. Everyone is such a poser! None of them can think for themselves. And if they can, they're too afraid to show it! Anyway, all my ambitions are of an artistic nature. So my little excursion was probably more beneficial to my existence than twenty algebra classes. But that's life, right? I mean, how much of our lives can we really say are not a total waste of time? It's like a bad movie. You spend the first act learning shit you don't need to know, the second act working for the man, trying to build your life one little brick at a time, then the third, when you're really not good to anyone anymore, trying to enjoy what's left of it, while keeping yourself alive with some prescribed chemical cocktail, and needing to piss every 20 minutes. It's all so depressing. I see my Dad come home day in and day out. He tries to get excited about stuff. But it never lasts long. Lies are hard to sustain. A paycheck is a small reward for wasting your life. Maybe that's what this video shows. These people, on their lunch breaks, just seeing a tiny break in the monotony. Maybe for a moment they are reminded of the cruel passage of time, of the choices they made and the fears they succumbed to that placed them in this hamster wheel. Maybe that is what is on their faces. One of those rare moments when life asks you to stop and take a look at itself. Then again, maybe not. Gotta go, Mom's coming. I've lost my computer privileges. Who says home is not like jail?! So you might not hear from me for a few days. I'll try to use the ones at school.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Person Of The Week To Hate - Taylor Swift



Welcome to my life. Day 5756. Hello my pasty porcupines. This week's person of the week to hate is unquestionably Taylor Swift for being a goody-two-shoes know-it-all and totally reminding me of my sister Helen. She pulls little pouty faces too and acts like a little victim all the time. So, Kanye 'douchemaster' West stole your spotlight. Get over it! Or smack him! Don't just stand there like a wounded doe and then bitch about not being 'so excited anymore'. Pussy! I would have totally knee'd him in the balls! Prick. Can you imagine being a black star and being called a Jackass by the first black president. That's like if Anne Rice called me a Jackass! I think I'd just crawl into a hole and die. But that doesn't excuse Little Miss Perfect from being a complete douche herself! Aargh! I hate prissy little bitches like that! Hope she turns into a zombie.





Which brings me to Zombieland! How many of you are counting the minutes before this obviously instant classic hits theaters? I'm planning to start camping out in front of the theater the night before. I've got my fake I.D. ready and everything. I'll be all zombie'd out anyway, so they shouldn't be able to tell I'm a kid. I'm going as a White Castle Zombie. Johnny Shotguns works at White Castle and he was able to steal a couple of uniforms which we tore up nice and bloody. Some of my readers have been asking to see a picture of him so here it is:



I know. He's a little weird. But you know, he has holes, I have holes. We fill each others holes. Not in a literal way. Get your heads out of the gutter. We're just friends. Okay, we made out a couple of times. That's it! He's not really my type. To tell you the truth, I've got a crush on someone else. I'm not saying who in case he reads this. But he's really cute. I know, I always go for the ungettable ones. The ones my sister gets! God I hate my sister! Taylor Swift clone!

Join my Taylor Swift Hate Group on Facebook:

I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Feminism and Horror


Welcome To my life. Day 5755. Hello, my sleepy sausages. So I've been reading my girl, Brittney-Jade's blog Day Of The Woman (Brittney and I share a common aversion for all things Twatlight) and I came across her review of Jennifer's Body and how feminism is alive and well in horror (though not in Jennifer's Body). I'm a big fan of BJ's blog. She gets really emotional. Just check out this commentary on Jennifer's Body:



I was brought to an article that I at first had no words for. PoppaScotch over at Horror-Movies.ca apparently believes that Feminist Horror films do not exist and he hates that the only reason Jennifer's Body is getting so much press is because it's a "feminist" film. I am going to respectfully disagree. I stress the word respectfully because I'll admit it's taking every ounce of strength I have not to completely lash out and be a complete bitch about it.

She goes on to say:

Jennifer's Body is actually a woman "hating" film. It's a classic example of men not being able to trust women or the vagina.


Well, God damn it, I just want to get my two cents in. Brittney-Jade always gets me fired up. Feminism is Horror! And I don't just mean douchey flicks like Hard Candy where the chick actually castrates a dude (and we don't even get to see it!) I mean Horror at its core has a feminist agenda! Think about it. Every single storyline revolves around a woman becoming empowered enough to take on some monstrous male nemesis. In a classic sense of the word, you cannot get more feminist than A Nightmare On Elm Street! I realize the girl has to show her tits first, but that's all part of the 'feminine sacrifice'. Horror chicks have always been badass! And besides, we invented the genre. Ever heard of Mary Shelley?

Anyway, I haven't seen Jennifer's Body (not up close anyway) so I can't judge whether or not it stands up to the feminine ideal. But I will say this. As long as there's a creeping monster around, as long as flesh is in danger of being torn and mangled, there will always be some badass bitch ready to save the day ala Ripley, ala Sarah Connor, ala Carrie, ala you get the picture. Other genres might pretend like they have some 'complex' women or whatever but at the end of the day, throw Sophie's Choice in the ring with Ripley any day! Let's see who comes out first. Nobody kicks as much ass as horror chicks! And that's the truth, Ruth! As far as trusting the vagina? Well, do that at your own peril.



Also, Vampire Film Festival is holding a Trailer Contest. Vote who gets into the festival! How cool is that?! Finally we have a say in what direction vampire films are going. There's a war on, baby! Twatlighters vs the true Vampire fans. We must take back our genre! Vote now:

VAMPFEST TRAILER CONTEST

Monday, September 14, 2009

Puke Flick of the Week - Cannibalove




Welcome To my life. Day 5754. Greetings my scrumptious sauna slaves. Now I'm always getting these crappy screeners from these indie filmmakers begging me to review their crappy video movies and I always say yes, then I watch them and never respond again. That's like better than writing a bad review, right? And I'm not going to bore my dedicated readers with movies that aren't worth their time or money, so what's the point? Well, I finally got one that I think is worthy of both of our time. I'm sure it's destined to be a total cult classic and I was lucky enough to get one of the first copies. It's called Cannibalove. Yep, one word. Remember it.

At first I thought this was going to be some cheesy exploitation bullshit. But no. This is a classy, very twisted love story from Finland (I know, subtitles suck). It's set in this rural farm place and revolves around this young guy named Sven. Sven is not the sharpest tool in the shed. He's a door to door salesman selling bibles. One day he knocks on this door and sees this girl, Hilda, and falls madly in love. He basically starts stalking her. Gradually she kind of warms to him but her family is all weird and won't let her see Sven. So they begin this closeted affair having sex in barns and what not. Then her father finds out and beats the crap out of Sven and brings him before the rest of the family. You think they're going to kill poor Sven but Hilda grabs a knife and threatens to shove it into her throat if they kill her love. So they have no choice but to let Sven stay and become part of the family. And you guessed it, they're a bunch of cannibals. But get this, Sven doesn't care. He's so in love that he's willing to do anything to be with Hilda, even if it means munching on someone's gall bladder. Now that's what I call love.

I was so into this flick I even shed a couple of tears for Sven and Hilda. Of course there's a really tragic ending that I won't spoil for you cause you really need to see it. The gore is absolutely nauseating. I found myself trying to keep down Mom's chickpeas for half the film. These cannibals like to get into you when you're still kicking. And screaming. Lunch for these guys is like a death orgy. They all get real bloody and start laughing and burping. It's like if those Coney Island hot dog eating contest guys dug into some tied up tourists whose car broke down on the highway. Yep, this one is truly hardcore. And it asks the ultimate question - "What would you eat for love?".

It stars Riika Sillanpää as Hilda. She's an incredibly beautiful actress with real depth and subtlety reminiscent of Ingrid Bergman. I know, what is she doing in a horror flick? But then again, why not a horror flick? It's like we debase our own genre like it's not worthy of good actors or something. You go, Riika! Scream Queens rule! Sven is played by newcomer, Vilppu Schjerfbeck and he's quite funny. Great characterization all around.

Now this flick is so new it doesn't even have a website yet. As soon as one comes up, I'll announce it. But it does have a Facebook fanpage. Become the first on your block to become a fan:

CANNIBALOVE


5 Stars!

Oh, yeah, here's the answer to the puzzle. If you haven't tried it yet here's another chance:


BRAINFUCK!


Answer: When you do the math, the result is always a multiple of 9. Then they just make sure all the multiples of 9 are the same gift. Raymond says they could have made it harder by having less gifts. As it is only one gift on the board appears 10 times.

R.I.P. Patrick Swayze.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

BRAINFUCK!

Welcome To my life. Day 5753. Ok, this had me stumped for like an hour before my brother, Raymond explained to me how it was done. For a minute I thought my computer had gone psychic on me. Very disconcerting. Raymond actually said they could have made it harder. Anyhoo, if you can figure it out, you and Raymond should get together for a nerd-off. If not, I'll divulge the secret tomorrow.

Check it out:

BRAINFUCK!

Till then, here's a picture of me with a funny hat:



R.I.P. Jim Carroll, brilliant author of The Basketball Diaries.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

So Unfair!




Welcome to my life. Day 5752. Can someone please explain to me what is wrong with my binder? That should warrant me getting detention on the first week of school?! Yep, that's how I spent my Saturday. Staring at Mr. McFoy's shining bald spot. I'm seriously peeved. This is Goth persecution is what it is!



My autographed Gris Grimly sticker.

Check out his books here:

GRIS GRIMLY

Friday, September 11, 2009

Badass Bitch Of The Week - Tiffany Shepis



Welcome To my life. Day 5751. Hello my ravishing rapscallions, This week I'm introducing a new weekly post (God, I've got more than seven now, huh?) It's called Badass Bitch of the week and this week's winner is none other than B-Movie Screen Goddess, Tiffany Shepis. Those who missed her in last year's Nightmare Man should be ashamed! This totally ass-kicking babe has been in like a hundred indie horror flicks and is already a legend on the exploitation scene. She's appeared in such classics as Chainsaw Cheerleaders, Death Factory, Scarecrow, Zombthology and Tromeo and Juliet. Here she is on the Death Factory poster:




Get to know her, you'll totally fall in love. And somebody tell Hollywood what they're missing! Also it's her Birthday, so I'm blowing her a Big Badass Bitch Birthday kiss! You rock, Sheps.




Check out Tiff's site:

SCREAMSHEPIS.COM


Buy Nightmare Man today:

NIGHTMARE MAN

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Anne Rice and Gays



Welcome to my life. Day 5750. First of all I'd like to congratulate Capt'n Jeets on tying Lou Gehrig's all time Yankees hits record. And in general I'd like to nominate September 9th as Derek Jeter Day. Nuff said.

Anne Rice has been opening up a discussion on her Facebook Fanpage (If you're not a fan, leave my site now!) about being Gay and being Christian and how Christians think that gay people are that way by choice. Here's what she writes:

Why do so many Christians want to believe that gay people choose their "lifestyle?" I don't quite understand it.

And then later:

On Christians and gays: the emails I receive incline me to believe that Christians feel they are not free to examine gay experience. They feel that Scripture obligates them to close their minds to whatever we can learn today from gay people about who they are. As a Catholic, I feel no obligation to close my mind to any area of knowledge.


Since I have a gay brother (Raymond) and a veeerry Christian mother (and a bitch sister), I think that I am in the perfect position to comment on the subject. First of all, gay people are NOT gay because they choose to be. At least not my brother. I think he's like totally ashamed of it. Mostly because of what he thinks Mom would think if she found out. Personally I think he underestimates her. Mom is a good mom. She would love us no matter what we were. That's the saddest thing to me, when families disown their gay children because of their religious beliefs. Mom always says that there is nothing we could do that would make her stop loving us. That's a pretty big call. I mean, what if I suddenly decided to like become a serial killer or something. Huh, Mom? What then? But being gay? Hell, I think she could live with that. Anyway, why would anyone really want to be gay? I mean, they do have a lot of fun, party all the time, have no real responsibilities, no families to support, actually maybe I should become gay. But then there's the stigma and the persecution and the inability to get basic human rights and the occasional gay bashing, not to mention not being able to run for president. I mean, do you really think gay people have this conversation in their head? All they know is, when they look in the mirror, they want to do themselves. That's my personal theory. On a psychological level, homosexuality is really just self-love. Whereas straight men are just trying to get back inside the womb. The warmest, safest place they've every known. Straight women? I haven't figured it out yet. But I think it has something to do with being treated like a Queen. Which is why I don't think I could be gay. There can only be one Queen. And we all know the King has no real power. Like that game, chess. Raymond tried to teach it to me but it was too confusing. But I did like that the Queen kicked a lot of ass while the King just sat around hiding behind the prawns. My kind of game. But I've digressed. What was I talking about? Raymond gave me some special brownie he made this afternoon and I can't seem to stay focused on anything now. Oh, yeah, Raymond being gay. I think he should come out. It would totally make him easier to be around. I think it's like the source of all his problems. He's like terrified of his own shadow most of the time. But whatever, I'm sure he'll pick the right moment. Here's a picture of the happy Baxter siblings:



Anyway, if you want to keep up with Anne check out her Facebook Fanpage that she updates daily:

ANNE RICE FACEBOOK