Slayer, Testament, Megadeath!

Welcome to my life. Day 5820. Hello my Tea-Totaling Tele-Tubbies. Don't know what to write about today. I'm studying like crazy for stupid exams. No time for pleasantries. So I'm letting everybody know about the most awesome concert tour to come in a while. It's called the American Carnage Tour. SLAYER, TESTAMENT and MEGADEATH! Those are like three of the best bands EVER! I'm so there.

Check it out:

METAL UNDERGROUND

I sort of have a new friend at school. She's the new kid. Her name is Melissa. I don't know though. She talks a lot. I mean, a lot. What's up with people who talk a lot? Like, if you don't stop her, she'll just keep going. She'll, like, tell you what she had for breakfast. When you think about it, people like that make awful friends. It's really just a sign of self-centeredness. Think about it. You just don't care about the other person in the supposed conversation. If you did, you might, like, stop and ask a question or something. I'm always asking questions. Because I care. As if. No, I don't think I can be friends with Melissa. She's a huge Anne Rice fan and everything but it's not like she can tell me anything about Anne Rice I don't already know.

In larger news, the U.S. Senate is about to vote on Obama's Health Care Bill. The House O' Reps already passed it. Obama's presidency is basically hanging on this thing. It's like he went all in with his first hand. Crazy. If it passes his presidency is already a roaring success. It's historic. If not, he will be seen as an ineffective president. And it will just be remembered as a little footnote. And it's all hanging on a couple of rogue Democratic Senators. Very exciting stuff. It's funny, the rest of the world is kind of dissing Obama already. The Asians this week pretty much told him to stick it. America's might is not what it was. China is our Daddy, now. We owe them a whole mess of chopsticks. Even the Japanese want us to get our troops out of there. Guess that's what you get when people get to see the Emperor's new clothes. Our financial collapse has seriously chinked the old armor. Cause it's all an illusion, man. The whole friggin thing. Like the Matrix. Dad explained it to me. He works in a bank. The money doesn't really exist. It's all debt. If everyone suddenly tried to take their money out of the bank at once, it wouldn't be there. Cause only like 1% of it actually exists. That's just nuts!

Also, Killing Boxx is having a contest for signed Wicked Pixel DVDs! Check it out:

KILLING BOXX CONTEST

Puke Flick Review - Thankskilling

Welcome to my life. Day 5818. Hello my Raunchy Reindeer. Okay, so being a privileged member of the media, I was lucky enough to receive an early screener of Thankskilling. It comes out today and I strongly recommend that you stuff this one into your DVD collection. Only one thing. If you plan on watching it on Thanksgiving, I'd do it before dinner.

This is shlock horror at it's very best. It's like Meet the Feebles meets Toxic Avenger meets Rocky Horror meets Triumph the Insult Comic. Turkey is hilarious! Granted if you're looking for some profound realism, you won't be finding it here. This is pure horror farce. Like when Turkey kills a guy while he's doing his girlfriend from behind then takes over. When the girlfriend finally realizes what just happened, turkey says, "Ha ha, you've been stuffed!" Ha ha indeed! Or when Turkey rips off this girl's father's face and then wears it ala Leatherface and fools everyone. "Hello, Daddy," the daughter says. I mean, this is a turkey, we're talking about! I was rolling on the floor the whole time. It might've helped that Raymond made some of his special brownies beforehand. He said the occasion definitely called for it. And boy was he right! I haven't had this much fun since Lionel's mother's ear fell into the pudding (Dead Alive).

The gore is splatterricious! Turkey doesn't really have a modus operandi per say, he likes to mix and match, get creative in his kills. But kill he does. Everyone. The cast is suitably over the top with a group of overgrown teenagers leading the charge. The flick is totally indie so it has that sweet rough around the edges low budget feel that I've always felt actually gives these flicks character. You can tell the guys that made it really had a good time doing it. I mean, it's not the kind of flick I'd make but then I'm a broody Goth and they're nutty shlock guys. Well, done, fellas. 360 degrees for five hours. That's a turkey joke.

Anyway, this movie is made with unquenchingly bad taste and a shamelessness rarely found in movies. If you're into your exploitation, you owe it to yourself to get this one:

THANKSKILLING

I give it 5 stars. 4 if you're out of weed.

Awesome Person of the Week - Will Phillips

Welcome to my life. Day 5817. Hello my Quirky Queers. This week I bring you Will Phillips, an awesome Arkansas ten year old who actually REFUSED to say the pledge of allegiance! Why didn't I ever think of that? He was protesting Gay Rights of all things! He says all people are not equal in this country because Gays can't marry! He's ten freakin' years old! Will's all over the news now. He and that Miss California beeyatch should have a debate. That should be a new show - Are you dumber than a supermodel? Ha Ha Ha! He's not gay, by the way, although all the kids at school have started calling him 'Gaywad.' When asked what that meant, he said it "was some sort of discriminatory name for homosexuals." And Dad didn't put him up to it like Balloon Boy's dad. Will just happens to be a very intelligent little man. He skipped third grade! I did too, actually. So did Helen. Actually she skipped 4th, just to get even with me. Lately my grades have dropped. I just don't care anymore. Certain subjects just piss me off. Like Math! What the hell am I gonna do with Math?! People don't count anymore! Anyway, I'm a creative person. I know, I'm one of those dreamers who thinks her shit don't stink. So fuck it! I am! If I can't make a living being creative I'll be a crazy bag lady. Damn it, I know I can write. At least as good as Stephanie Meyer. That bitch never wrote a damn thing before Twatlight. I've written like ten short stories and am starting on a zombie script. I think scriptwriting is easier that prose. I mean, the only time the writer really gets to shine is in the dialogue. Everything else is just autowrite. Anyway, we should be able to choose our subjects. Like they do in college. What, we're not smart enough to figure out what the hell we want to do with our lives at our age? You think Will Phillips doesn't know? Can somebody say, Politics? Maybe one day he runs against one of the Obama girls for Pres. I can see it. Go Li'l Will Phill! Say that ten times real fast.

Anyway, here's the article in Huff Post

Happy Dark Sabbath! More Oya Pics!

Welcome to my life. Day 5914. Greetings my Ominous Omens. And Happy Dark Sabbath. Friday, the 13th, of course. In honor of this momentous occasion, the third in this year of the Ox. I have always loved Friday the 13th and this one, so close to Halloween seems to have extra significance. The 2012 flick comes out today. Can't wait to check out the end of the world. I think this flick is going to start a total panic all over the world as this heretofor privileged information becomes accessible to the general public. That is truly the power of the cinema. The ability to reach the most number of people and deliver information in a completely understandable way. Through imagery. Through entertainment. This panic is going to become self fulfilling as people start to have shorter and shorter goals. Society will begin to crumble. And everything will go to shit. You see, we don't really need an asteroid or a nuclear holocaust to to create like a Mad Max scenario. All we have to do is stop trying. The only reason we exist and enjoy the lifestyles we do today is because of the constant, endless upkeep it requires. We spend our days trudging off to school or to work just to perpetuate this dance. It is the ultimate beehive mentality. By 'working', all you're doing is maintaining the status quo. There is the illusion of personal gain but really it's almost entirely altruistic. We do it for the sake of the hive. And don't kid yourself that you don't. I don't care if you're a big shot lawyer or if you flip burgers, you are simply a link in the chain. What happens when we stop caring about the chain? What if we lose faith in its strength? Last year the financial collapse was the first crack in the foundation of our precious society. These are all abstract thoughts but on a practical level think of all the factory worker's kids growing up with the internet, with access to visions of a better life. Mine is a generation of dreamers that thinks its shit don't stink. So who's going to man all your factories? Who's going to drive your garbage trucks? Who's going to to all that Dirty Jobs shit our parents did? No one. We are on the road to destruction and we don't even know it. I sure as hell ain't working in no bank like Dad! That's my Friday the 13th doomsday prediction. Hope it made you feel all fuzzy inside.

Went by the Freakatorium today and Max gave me TWO Oya pictures cause he knows that Friday the 13th is like my favorite day of the year. So here they are! They depict Oya's 'journey to the New World'. Having wiped out the Spanish Conquistadors who massacred her Mayan worshippers, the Vampire Oya headed north. She drank the blood of animals to survive but they kept her weak and of a foul disposition.

By the time Oya finally saw a human, she was too weak to take him. Instead, she was overpowered and taken herself. She had died a virgin. Now her undead body was being defiled and she was powerless to stop it.

Badass Bitch Of The Week - Elizabeth Lambert

Welcome to my life. Day 5813. Hello my Perky Polka-Dots. So this chick is like my new hero. Her name is Elizabeth Lambert and she doesn't take ANY shit! I'm going to have to start getting into Women's Soccer. Enjoy.

Mad or Muhammad?

Welcome to my life. Day 5811. Greetings my Mad Muhammads. First of all, some quick Anne Rice news. Meet Anne Rice tomorrow from 1 till 5 at the Barnes and Nobles in New Orleans. I wish I could make it. Anne, come to New York!!! It's definitely a dream of mine to meet Anne Rice. I've imagined the moment like a zillion times. I mean, I've had long conversations with her in my head. In real life I'd probably pass out. Right there in the home improvement aisle. They'd need to get the old smelling salts out in Barnes and Nobles. How embarrassment. Those of you lucky enough to live in New Orleans (I wish), definitely check it out. And if you do, tell her to check out my blog!

In other, much less exciting news, tonight they execute that D.C. sniper dude, John Allen Muhammad. Johnny Boy went and shot a bunch of people in Washington D.C. like six years ago. I remember it cause Mom was all freaking out and made us stay home for like a week. That's where we lived at the time. It would have been fun except Mom didn't even let me leave the house. I thought it was kind of silly. The thought of someone shooting a 9 year old girl was pretty ridiculous. Then again, he did shoot a kid. Actually he didn't really do any of the shooting. He had this kid, Lee Boyd Malvo do his dirty work. The kid was like terrified of him. I always thought it was kind of an interesting story. I mean, I'm sorry to the victims' families and all, but this dude is a pretty fascinating case study. He wasn't your typical loon. He had his shit together. He was ex military and evil as all fuck. He later claimed he did it to get back at his wife. Sure, blame the female. But he was also, as his name would suggest, a Muslim.

So we get to the nitty gritty. Now the last people I want to insult is Muslims so I've gotta go easy. If there's one thing that is generally generalized about Muslims, it's their famous lack of a sense of humor. Remember the Dutch Muhammad cartoons that basically started riots? Yikes! Get a hold of yourselves. It's a cartoon, for Muhammad's sake! Don't know how those South Park guys still don't have a Fatwa on them. Durka, Durka! Anyway, I couldn't help but think about how Johnny's execution just happened to be this week. The week that a certain Major Nidal Malik Hasan went on a rampage and killed 13 people, mostly American soldiers and wounding 30 others. Dude fired more than a hundred rounds. That's some serious conviction. This happened on an army base! I mean, if there's one place you'd think you'd feel safe, it'd be a freakin army base! Everyone's got a gun! But this dude went all Rambo on us and basically wiped out an entire battalion! But the best part? He was a psychiatrist!

So now everyone is talking about how these pricks were really insane. All the bleeding heart liberals are crying social injustice. And I guess they have a point. If someone is genuinely mentally ill, it would seem a tad cruel to execute them. Not to mention unusual. I've never understood that - cruel and unusual. Ah, it's cruel, but is it unusual? Is that like a measure of creativity or something? Like the Saw flicks. Anyway, the question really is, are they just a couple of nutters or are they actually soldiers in our great 'War On Terror'. By the way, Nostradamus predicted a 26 year war with the Muslims. He also predicted the end of the world in 2012.

The one thing that really sets these guys apart from your usual 'spree killers' is the sheer fact that they are still alive (at least for a few more hours in Muhammad's case). Most spree killers like to finish off the event with that ultimate of crescendos, a bullet to the head. These fellows had no such inclination. Sure, they were prepared to die. I'm not saying that. But! Did they want to die? See, humans are the only creatures capable of a death wish. Survival is the most basic instinct we have. It is the stuff of every single Horror flick ever made. Self preservation. I firmly believe this, but suicide is the result of mental disorder. And girls, if you're contemplating, stop! Another reason I hate friggin Twatlight! There is something seriously wrong with a line like 'Death was peaceful. Easy. Life is harder.' in a movie aimed at impressionable adolescents! Seriously!

Anyway, back to the Mad Muhammads. Now I don't have anything against Muslims (other than the fact that they suppress women and stone women and basically see women as property like a pet goat or something), but they are a little nutty to begin with. I really think the key to sanity is a sense of humor. An ability to laugh life off, as it were. But I won't go as far as calling a third of humanity mentally ill. Fanaticism might seem crazy to most of us but at the end of the day it is just passion, misguided though it may be. And there are plenty of perfectly lovely Muslims, misguided though they might be.

Then there's the final question. How do they see themselves? If they see themselves as soldiers are they entitled to the rules of the Geneva Convention? I really hope Rambo Shrink lives (he was shot a couple times - by a kick ass babe no less!). I'd really like to hear his story. We know he was in contact with some cleric dude in Yemen. Sounds suspicious. And he might never admit it for fear of arousing suspicion on other 'sleeper cells' but, hey, Houston, I think we've got a problem. The enemy may have infiltrated our ranks. This is not the first instance of an American Muslim soldier turning on his comrades. Remember Sargeant Hasan Akbar, who grenaded his unit in Iraq? I'm just saying.

All these guys will surely get death. The death penalty itself is something I feel pretty strongly about but that's for another blog post. For the time being, though, I'd keep an eye on our Muslim troops. Especially ones named 'Hasan'. In Rambo Shrink's case the red lights should have been going off all over the place. And if they really love the 'corp' or whatever, they probably shouldn't mind. After all it might save their lives too.

Tattoo Of The Week - Monkey Butt

Welcome to my life. Day 5807. Greetings my Indifferent Indigents. New feature this week. Send in your tats if you want on. Still reeling over the Yankees winning the World Series! I know, you're sick of me talking about it. Watching a lot of TV. God, commercials suck! Especially those effing Free Credit Report Dot Com commercials. Somebody string that guy up! Worst part is they get in your head and you find yourself singing them all day long. Like that 1800 GET SLIM commercial.

Let your new life begin
call 1800 GET SLIM.

It doesn't even fucking rhyme! Begin does not rhyme with slim! I guess not much rhymes with slim. And what the hell are they advertising? Fat surgery? Jesus! Can you imagine that getting stuck in a fat person's head? That's like singing I'm a fatty fat slob and I look like a flabby blob to yourself all day long. What, at least it rhymes.

Still staying home sick. Being sick rules!

Celebration Time, Come On!

Welcome to my life. Day 5806. Hello my Headless Hedons. So I've been getting completely wasted all night. These Yankees are going to turn me into a full fledged alcoholic. Goooo Yankees!!! What an awesome post-season. It's like all the investments of the past eight years finally paid off all at once. Godzilla finally came out of the water and stomped all over Philadelphia. The Shaved Caveman finally crawled out of his cave. And a certain 30 million dollars a year finally paid off.


Jeter might have hit 400 and sparked the offense but Alex had more 'hero' moments than anyone ever. I guess that comes with being a home run hitter. I think he was finally comfortable on the big stage. New York can be intimidating. Maybe it took the steroid confession to warm him to the fans. At the end of the day he just showed his humanity. And that kind of brought us closer to him. Does that make sense? Anyway, you rock, A Rod! Welcome to the Yankees.

Cap'n Jeets gets his fifth ring! Halfway to tie Yogi Berra's ten. And check out this little trophy (Jeets' flame, Minka Kelly):


Enjoy him while you can, bitch!