Welcome to my life. Day 5823. Greetings my Wiccan Wackos. I really wasn't feeling school today so I pretended to be sick. To fake sick: sneak out on the roof about 40 minutes before parents wake up. Smoke an ENTIRE pack of cigarettes, one after another. Come inside. Cold shower, gargle Robitussen (to eliminate cigarette smell). You will puke right about when they wake up. Then you will be all pale, cold, and shaky. Parents are terrified of Pig Flu. They will keep you home for a week.
Anyway, I've decided to entertain myself with a good ol' Horror marathon at Dad's expense. On Demand! Whatever, he won't get the cable bill till next month. Cross that bridge when I get to it. I think I was inspired by the 28 Hours Later film festival and decided to have one of my own. Raymond heard about my endeavor and made a batch of his special brownies in support.
A Haunting in Connecticut: Am I a jerk for thinking this is the stupidest title ever? Maybe they thought if they mentioned a specific location it would be scary because it sounds more real or something. Unfortunately, it just sounds lame, like when people give their dogs human names. “This is my dog Richard.” Assholes. Anyway, this is one of those haunted house movies where they tell you at the beginning that it’s based on a true story. Then they have stupid things happening like a ghost walking by in the background while the characters go about their business without seeing the ghost. And you’re like, ‘well if nobody saw that ghost, how the fuck do you know that really happened?” Morons. Also, I still haven’t forgiven Virginia Madsen for her stupid Oscar speech about grapes. BUT! It was entertaining. I have to say watching all the weird voodoo rituals was fun, and there was TONS of gore. I had nightmares about being burned alive that night.
The Haunting of Molly Hartley: This chick’s mom is in an asylum and she and her rich dad move to a new town where she starts having weird like terror-visions. And her mom keeps coming to her and saying there is something uber-fucked up about their family. This is one of those movies that wants to ‘keep you guessing.’ The problem with these movies is that you guess so many outcome variations that you’re pretty much never surprised. Anyway, if worth seeing, it’s for the scene when she breaks the popular girl’s face.
The Unborn: So this chick’s mom was in an asylum and then she killed herself. Now she lives with her rich dad. She starts having like, terror-visioins…are you thinking what I’m thinking? YES. ME TOO. You gotta think, with all the jackasses in the world writing screenplays, couldn’t they find a different PLOT. Whatever, the chick needs to find out why her family’s fucked up and fix it or else…I don’t know, she gets anally raped by Satan. I stopped paying attention. And what's with all these actresses looking like other actresses. Like that Kate Beckinsale clone in the latest Underworld movie. I think her name was Kate Smeckinshale. The chick in this flick looks like Jennifer Connolly. I totally thought that's who it was when I ordered it.
The Uninvited: So THIS chick is IN an asylum. Her mother died in a fire and had terminal cancer, but was not mentally ill (hoorah for the out-of-the-box-thinking here!) At the beginning the chick’s rich dad comes to pick her up at the asylum and bring her home, and tells her that while she was away he has married the whore-of-a-nurse who took care of her mom before she died. The chick starts to suspect that the whore-of-a-nurse killed her mom and is a serial killer. She sets out to find out who the whore really is. The chick is all like ‘arrrg I’m tortured on the inside and I’m suffering.’ Whatever.
Wicked Little Things: OK so at this point I was pretty stoned, but this movie has the CUTEST kids in it. They’re all feral and savage ghosty-kids who rip people apart and eat them, but they’re dressed all Oliver Twist orphany cute. This movie almost made me want to have kids of my own some day. See these ghosty-kids are from 1912, when a greedy coal-miner left them underground to perish in an explosion so he could make off with the coal and not pay them for their work. Needless to say the little ghosties are PISSED. Good revenge flick. The main characters sucked- wanted them to die. But the kids rule.
Enough: I don’t know why I thought this was a horror movie. I realized later that I had accidentally somehow changed the channel from Movies on Demand to Oxygen. Anyway Jennifer Lopez is an abused wife. It’s pretty great at the beginning because her husband punches her in the face. Then a little later he kicks the living crap out of her. Then it’s boring, boring, buzzkill, boring, then suddenly at the end she becomes a badass and WRECKS his shit. That part was enjoyable. Is that Jesus? Yeah, Jenny's married to Jesus! The guy from The Passion Of The Christ. Best Horror movie ever, by the way, in my opinion. Took torture porn to new heights. Still waiting for the sequel. They totally hinted at it when his shadow like comes back from the dead at the end. What do you think? The Revenge Of The Christ? When Christ is like some crazed zombie killer out to get all the Jews? Yeah, I'd go see that!
I Sell the Dead: I eat another brownie. Blazed again. There is a pretty amazing scene in this movie with a vampire waking up and dying again like three times. It’s hilarious. Especially if you’re stoned out of your brain.
Orphan: A lot like The Good Son with Macauley Culkin, except I guess an evil little Russian girl is way more likable than a creepy blondy boy. Anyway I’m running out of steam here, people. There is a stupid twist at the end, but I really didn’t see it coming and it was pretty funny. You of course root for the evil little kid. OK gore factor. Nun-murder.
Saw: torture porn
Saw II: torture porn
Saw III: torture porn
Saw VI: torture porn- fun to watch a pirated copy Ray picked up for me in NYC from a sketchy dude in the subway. Ray is nice to me because he knows I know he’s gay.
Hard Candy: AMAZING. Made me kind of want to make out with Ellen Page. Although she does not look my age! I don't know how she keeps getting away with it.
Away We Go: TERRIFYING. Stoned again. Meant to demand something else. This was the scariest of the lot. Pretentious. All contrived ‘moodiness.’ Made me NEVER want to be in my thirties. Might have to pull a Kurt Cobain.
District 9: Totally awesome. Sad at times though. Haven’t cried this hard since Turner and Hooch. Wait, didn't I already review this movie? Whatever, it's much better on brownies.
Whew! I'm pooped! I think I need to detox. Throw on my Buffy DVDs for a while. Yes, Buffy rules! Fuck off!