Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Mad or Muhammad?

Welcome to my life. Day 5811. Greetings my Mad Muhammads. First of all, some quick Anne Rice news. Meet Anne Rice tomorrow from 1 till 5 at the Barnes and Nobles in New Orleans. I wish I could make it. Anne, come to New York!!! It's definitely a dream of mine to meet Anne Rice. I've imagined the moment like a zillion times. I mean, I've had long conversations with her in my head. In real life I'd probably pass out. Right there in the home improvement aisle. They'd need to get the old smelling salts out in Barnes and Nobles. How embarrassment. Those of you lucky enough to live in New Orleans (I wish), definitely check it out. And if you do, tell her to check out my blog!

In other, much less exciting news, tonight they execute that D.C. sniper dude, John Allen Muhammad. Johnny Boy went and shot a bunch of people in Washington D.C. like six years ago. I remember it cause Mom was all freaking out and made us stay home for like a week. That's where we lived at the time. It would have been fun except Mom didn't even let me leave the house. I thought it was kind of silly. The thought of someone shooting a 9 year old girl was pretty ridiculous. Then again, he did shoot a kid. Actually he didn't really do any of the shooting. He had this kid, Lee Boyd Malvo do his dirty work. The kid was like terrified of him. I always thought it was kind of an interesting story. I mean, I'm sorry to the victims' families and all, but this dude is a pretty fascinating case study. He wasn't your typical loon. He had his shit together. He was ex military and evil as all fuck. He later claimed he did it to get back at his wife. Sure, blame the female. But he was also, as his name would suggest, a Muslim.

So we get to the nitty gritty. Now the last people I want to insult is Muslims so I've gotta go easy. If there's one thing that is generally generalized about Muslims, it's their famous lack of a sense of humor. Remember the Dutch Muhammad cartoons that basically started riots? Yikes! Get a hold of yourselves. It's a cartoon, for Muhammad's sake! Don't know how those South Park guys still don't have a Fatwa on them. Durka, Durka! Anyway, I couldn't help but think about how Johnny's execution just happened to be this week. The week that a certain Major Nidal Malik Hasan went on a rampage and killed 13 people, mostly American soldiers and wounding 30 others. Dude fired more than a hundred rounds. That's some serious conviction. This happened on an army base! I mean, if there's one place you'd think you'd feel safe, it'd be a freakin army base! Everyone's got a gun! But this dude went all Rambo on us and basically wiped out an entire battalion! But the best part? He was a psychiatrist!

So now everyone is talking about how these pricks were really insane. All the bleeding heart liberals are crying social injustice. And I guess they have a point. If someone is genuinely mentally ill, it would seem a tad cruel to execute them. Not to mention unusual. I've never understood that - cruel and unusual. Ah, it's cruel, but is it unusual? Is that like a measure of creativity or something? Like the Saw flicks. Anyway, the question really is, are they just a couple of nutters or are they actually soldiers in our great 'War On Terror'. By the way, Nostradamus predicted a 26 year war with the Muslims. He also predicted the end of the world in 2012.

The one thing that really sets these guys apart from your usual 'spree killers' is the sheer fact that they are still alive (at least for a few more hours in Muhammad's case). Most spree killers like to finish off the event with that ultimate of crescendos, a bullet to the head. These fellows had no such inclination. Sure, they were prepared to die. I'm not saying that. But! Did they want to die? See, humans are the only creatures capable of a death wish. Survival is the most basic instinct we have. It is the stuff of every single Horror flick ever made. Self preservation. I firmly believe this, but suicide is the result of mental disorder. And girls, if you're contemplating, stop! Another reason I hate friggin Twatlight! There is something seriously wrong with a line like 'Death was peaceful. Easy. Life is harder.' in a movie aimed at impressionable adolescents! Seriously!

Anyway, back to the Mad Muhammads. Now I don't have anything against Muslims (other than the fact that they suppress women and stone women and basically see women as property like a pet goat or something), but they are a little nutty to begin with. I really think the key to sanity is a sense of humor. An ability to laugh life off, as it were. But I won't go as far as calling a third of humanity mentally ill. Fanaticism might seem crazy to most of us but at the end of the day it is just passion, misguided though it may be. And there are plenty of perfectly lovely Muslims, misguided though they might be.

Then there's the final question. How do they see themselves? If they see themselves as soldiers are they entitled to the rules of the Geneva Convention? I really hope Rambo Shrink lives (he was shot a couple times - by a kick ass babe no less!). I'd really like to hear his story. We know he was in contact with some cleric dude in Yemen. Sounds suspicious. And he might never admit it for fear of arousing suspicion on other 'sleeper cells' but, hey, Houston, I think we've got a problem. The enemy may have infiltrated our ranks. This is not the first instance of an American Muslim soldier turning on his comrades. Remember Sargeant Hasan Akbar, who grenaded his unit in Iraq? I'm just saying.

All these guys will surely get death. The death penalty itself is something I feel pretty strongly about but that's for another blog post. For the time being, though, I'd keep an eye on our Muslim troops. Especially ones named 'Hasan'. In Rambo Shrink's case the red lights should have been going off all over the place. And if they really love the 'corp' or whatever, they probably shouldn't mind. After all it might save their lives too.

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