Monday, September 14, 2009

Puke Flick of the Week - Cannibalove

Welcome To my life. Day 5754. Greetings my scrumptious sauna slaves. Now I'm always getting these crappy screeners from these indie filmmakers begging me to review their crappy video movies and I always say yes, then I watch them and never respond again. That's like better than writing a bad review, right? And I'm not going to bore my dedicated readers with movies that aren't worth their time or money, so what's the point? Well, I finally got one that I think is worthy of both of our time. I'm sure it's destined to be a total cult classic and I was lucky enough to get one of the first copies. It's called Cannibalove. Yep, one word. Remember it.

At first I thought this was going to be some cheesy exploitation bullshit. But no. This is a classy, very twisted love story from Finland (I know, subtitles suck). It's set in this rural farm place and revolves around this young guy named Sven. Sven is not the sharpest tool in the shed. He's a door to door salesman selling bibles. One day he knocks on this door and sees this girl, Hilda, and falls madly in love. He basically starts stalking her. Gradually she kind of warms to him but her family is all weird and won't let her see Sven. So they begin this closeted affair having sex in barns and what not. Then her father finds out and beats the crap out of Sven and brings him before the rest of the family. You think they're going to kill poor Sven but Hilda grabs a knife and threatens to shove it into her throat if they kill her love. So they have no choice but to let Sven stay and become part of the family. And you guessed it, they're a bunch of cannibals. But get this, Sven doesn't care. He's so in love that he's willing to do anything to be with Hilda, even if it means munching on someone's gall bladder. Now that's what I call love.

I was so into this flick I even shed a couple of tears for Sven and Hilda. Of course there's a really tragic ending that I won't spoil for you cause you really need to see it. The gore is absolutely nauseating. I found myself trying to keep down Mom's chickpeas for half the film. These cannibals like to get into you when you're still kicking. And screaming. Lunch for these guys is like a death orgy. They all get real bloody and start laughing and burping. It's like if those Coney Island hot dog eating contest guys dug into some tied up tourists whose car broke down on the highway. Yep, this one is truly hardcore. And it asks the ultimate question - "What would you eat for love?".

It stars Riika Sillanpää as Hilda. She's an incredibly beautiful actress with real depth and subtlety reminiscent of Ingrid Bergman. I know, what is she doing in a horror flick? But then again, why not a horror flick? It's like we debase our own genre like it's not worthy of good actors or something. You go, Riika! Scream Queens rule! Sven is played by newcomer, Vilppu Schjerfbeck and he's quite funny. Great characterization all around.

Now this flick is so new it doesn't even have a website yet. As soon as one comes up, I'll announce it. But it does have a Facebook fanpage. Become the first on your block to become a fan:


5 Stars!

Oh, yeah, here's the answer to the puzzle. If you haven't tried it yet here's another chance:


Answer: When you do the math, the result is always a multiple of 9. Then they just make sure all the multiples of 9 are the same gift. Raymond says they could have made it harder by having less gifts. As it is only one gift on the board appears 10 times.

R.I.P. Patrick Swayze.

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