Sunday, September 20, 2009


Welcome To my life. Day 5760. Greetings my Cranky Kumquats. My how time flies. Just yesterday we were in the 5750's. This is a good way to keep track of time. Remember, each passing day is also one less day you have left to live. I know, I've always been a glass half empty sorta gal. Anyway, the average person has over 80 thousand days in their life. I guess I have a ways to go. Somehow that's even more depressing. What to do with them all.

God I feel terrible today. Cannot get rid of this headache. Helen's been taking advantage of my weakened condition to taunt and distress me at least once every ten minutes. Of course she's pretending to be really concerned which makes it even more annoying. Keeps asking if I want any water or extra pillows. I wouldn't take one of her Strawberry Shortcake Pillows for any purpose other than smothering her with it. I puked like ten times today. Champagne really doesn't taste the same on the return trip. Mom says I deserve it and 'let it be a lesson' and whatever. For once she may be right. I don't think I'm ever touching champagne again. Vodka from now on!

I've been doing a lot of existential reflection lately. And learning lots of four syllable words. I've long known that I want to become a writer like Anne Rice. But I don't know if I'll ever be that good. I mean, nobody is that good. Except Anne Rice. Which reminds me. She's not been feeling well lately. So light a candle and say a Wiccan chant for her. I've been doing nightly rituals in front of my altar. Some of you have expressed doubts that I actually have an Anne Rice Altar so here it is:

As far as Wiccan chants, my favorite is Herne, Hunter of Souls by Ivo Dominguez. It goes like this:

Herne, Hunter Of Souls We Hear Your Horn, We Hear Your Hounds Throughout The Starry Woods Herne, Hunter Of Souls In Underworld And Overworld Your Hunt Goes Ever On

To hear how it should sound go here: PAGAN CHANT. I'm getting pretty serious about my witchcraft. I'm trying a saffron and paprika based love potion from Herbert Hoviak's You Do Voodoo on a certain someone (not saying whom) and I'll let you know how it turns out. No, it's not Johnny Shotguns. I'm trying to keep his tongue out of my mouth these days. Super sloppy kisser. Drool machine.

Anyway, I haven't even started talking about what I intended to talk about. Which is the new Twatlight spoof, Taintlight coming out on DVD. Actually it was originally called Twatlight but that would kind of defeat the purpose. I mean, what would we call Twatlight then? I haven't seen it but I have to publicize it as loudly as I possibly can. Just check out the poster. The vampire looks less like Edward Cullen and more like Edward Scissorhands. The film features a werewolf named Razor McBleed who does Michael Jackson. I wonder how many people are going to do Zombie Michael Jacksons this year. You can get really creative and get one of those portable I.V. drips to lug around. Can't believe that dude was hooked on general aenasthetics! How special do you have to be? Couldn't just be a heroin junky like everybody else. And what's up with all these King of Pop t-shirts everywhere all of a sudden! Why don't you just wear a shirt that says 'I Love Pedophiles'. Not a big fan. While I'm at it, I can't stand The Beatles! Never understood their popularity. Every time I hear a Beatles song I imagine a roomful of retards sitting around in a circle trying to clap in unison. I can already feel the hate mail on its way. I don't care! The Beatles suck! Now the Stones, there's a rock band. I guess I like my music with some cojones, just like my men. Wait, that's all men. Scratch that. I mean... forget it. Also Helen likes The Beatles. And Michael Jackson. She does her aerobics to Thriller. Tacky bitch.

Anyway, Fangoria, my favoritist magazine ever just did a piece on Taintlight. They're really good about promoting new stuff on Fango, especially indie stuff that you'd never read about anywhere else. And it's like the biggest horror mag ever, so go figure. So make sure you go to the Fango website and browse around:

No comments:

Post a Comment

You got something to say?