Monday, September 7, 2009


Welcome to my life. Day 5747. Just got back from camping. Worst three days of my life! Had to share a tent with my snoring ass sister! Cannot believe the sounds that escape from that pretty little pug when the sun goes down. Snorting and wheezing. I thought I was sleeping next to a werewolf! Other animals started howling too. I swear they were answering her call. We were lying end to end and every time I fell asleep, she'd kick me in the face. Dad decided he was Ernest fucking Hemingway and spent the entire time trying to teach himself how to fish. He finally caught one but it was 'stolen' by a snapping turtle. Dad claimed the fish would keep better in the water. The turtle had other ideas.

Mom spent the whole time freaking out about bears. But she did take us mushroom picking. Somehow she knows all the right mushrooms to pick. She learned from her grandmother in Bulgaria. We picked a big garbage bag full of them. Mom dries them and makes mushroom soup which is the bomb! That's like the only thing Helen and I agree on. Put like a dollop of sour cream in there, a little dill, nothing like wild mushroom soup. Of course, in the dark arts, mushrooms are a common ingredient in spells and potions. I kept a few for myself, including a couple that Mom told me to throw away because they were poisonous. I got this cool book from Max at the Freakatorium. It's called You-Do-Voodoo by Herbert Hoviak. Copyright 1981. It's very rare and out of print so you won't find it on Amazon or anything. You have to search out some old book stores. There are still a few copies in circulation. Anyway, poisonous toadstools are in practically every spell. No wonder they're 'poisonous'. If you're not fortunate enough to find Hoviak's opus, you can go to here to purchase spells individually:


I tried the love spell on Billy Mathews but it didn't seem to work. You should have seen me trying to get strands of his hair. Very embarrassing. I don't want to go into it. Anyway, he kind of looked my way a couple of times but then he like totally embarrassed me in front of everyone and I haven't really liked him since. I'm still saving up for the revenge potion though. Can't say left any stone unturned.

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