A blah day

Welcome to my life. Day 5803. Greetings my Earnest Emus. So the Yankees lost tonight. What a bummer. Cap'n Jeets grounded into a double play with the tying runs on base and nobody out in the ninth. Double bummer. But we have to be happy about taking two out of three at their stadium. At least now we're out of there. No more 'rally hankies'. What's that about? Looks like the fans are waving a bunch of white surrender flags. And that freaky mascot that looks like a green Big Bird? Lame. Thank God the Yankees don't have a mascot or stupid rally crap. Maybe if they were like black hankies. That would really fuck up the other team. Or maybe we could wave bloody effigies of their mutilated children. Maybe that's going too far. Hey, I've come up with a nickname for our giant, C.C. Sabathia. Black Sabathia. What do you think? And no, it's not cause he's black. It's cause his last name is Sabathia! Get it? Black Sabbath? Oh, forget it. Yankees lead the World Series 3 games to 2.

I am in Hell!

Welcome to my life. Day 5799. Hello my Anonymous Alcoholics. I could absolutely die! I want to find a cave and live in it for the rest of my wretched existence! How could I be so stupid! So careless! So much planning! Daily fucking rituals to cast this stupid love spell! And for what?! Goddamn voodoo book doesn't work for shit! I don't think I can ever show my face in school again!

So I went up to him. Billy Mathews. I'd caught him looking at me like three times today. I swear he even winked! None of you better have told him! It took every bit of strength I had. But I did it. I went up to him and I asked him out. He just looked at me and said really loud, "So, you must be Helen's Evil Twin." Then he and all his friends laughed in my face. I almost started to cry right there but I held in the tears. I turned around and walked out of the schoolyard. Then I ran. I ran and I ran until I couldn't breathe anymore. Then I collapsed and started crying like a little baby! I can't believe a man brought me to this state!

But no more tears! I will take my pain and turn it into anger! I will take these tears and turn them into daggers. I know Helen was behind this. I will have my revenge!

And the Yankees lost game 1!

Puke Flick of the Week - Drag Me To Hell

Welcome to my life. Day 5794. Hello my Tortured Tortoises. So I just watched this flick on DVD called Drag Me To Hell. Pretty awesome! Especially this uber-creepy old lady that haunts the whole thing. The flick's worth it just for her.


It's about this pretty little prissy chick (Alison Lohman, who reminded me of my sister, Helen) who works in a bank when said old lady comes in and starts begging for an extension on her loan. The chicky is trying to get a promotion and rejects her application. The old lady is scary and keeps taking out her false teeth - which are like green and pointy and decaying - I mean doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of false teeth? Anyway, the old lady is a crazy Hungarian gypsy and she does this cool curse on said chicky. I like the idea of a curse being inside an object. In this case it's a button off her jacket. I wonder what object of Helen's I can curse Helen with. The curse in this movie invokes an evil demon called the Lamia, basically a cousin of Pazuzu from The Exorcist. Only Lamia actually drags your ass to Hell if she's called on. I like it. Though I wish we got to see Hell as I the title sort of suggested. The only movies I know that really show a version of Hell are the Hellraiser flicks. I guess that requires a lot more imagination.

But Drag Me To Hell does have some very fun times including the greatest nosebleed I have ever seen. This thing sprays like twenty feet! It's a great little scene where girlfriend is at work in the droll little bank, the walls are all like ashy faded blue and grey and off she goes! Spraying the entire office especially her boss who was standing in front of her and is now screaming, "Did I get any in my mouth?!" Hilarious.


Alison Lohman is a little too pretty and looks a little lost in this genre. She was great in Matchstick Men, playing a twenty something pretending to be a 12 year old. But this flick doesn't really give her a chance to work out that acting muscle. The film is directed by Sam Raimi and is a welcome return to his roots (Evil Dead). He never took his horror too seriously and this is no exception. It is more 'fun' than scary. And Lohman kind of plays it that way. It's not really an attempt at pure terror like, say, Last House on The Left, which was pretty good, by the way. Although that microwave oven thing at the end totally ruined it for me. Everybody knows you can't just stick someone's head in the microwave! Believe me, I've tried it on my sister. Doesn't work. The door has to be closed. It's these little lapses in reality that really piss me off at the movies. For instance, in Drag Me To Hell, the chick has to sell all her shit to come up with 10 grand to pay off this psychic but when we meet the psychic, she's like, "I've battled the Lamia once before and lost. I've been waiting my whole life for a chance to get my revenge." Great, bitch! Maybe you could have waived the friggin fees in that case! God! People are so materialistic! Fine, battle away.


But as I said, the best thing about the flick is the old lady, Mrs. Ganush, (played by TV veteran, Lorna Raver) who has a penchant for puking green slime, maggots, and general gobs of yellow goo all over cute little Lohman. I kept imagining Helen in Lohman's place and got great satisfaction from so doing. It just occurred to me that in Hungaria they call old ladies Baba. So she's Baba Ganush! Great stuff.

Lara's Fiendish Fruit Farm

Welcome to my life. Day 5792. Greetings my Exalted Exiles. First of all, I have to brag about the creepy haunted house I just got for my Farmville farm. My farm is now ready for inspection. I christen it, Lara's Fiendish Fruit Farm. There's a cool Plant montster. His name is Fred and he likes Twatlighters. There's also a grave for my sister, Helen. Eventually, my farm will become complete. On that day I will cease to pick my crops and let all of them die. Then it will look truly perfect. The Halloween decorations on Farmville are only available for like another week, so get cracking.

I've also just consulted The Facebook Fortune Teller and found out that love is in the air for next Thursday. Hmm. Consult her yourself if you like:

FACEBOOK FORTUNE TELLER

Also, just heard that Bram Stoker Fest was a roaring sucksess. Here's a review of the festival on my sister bloodsucker site:

TALIESIN MEETS THE VAMPIRE

Puke Flick of the Week - Hell Walks The Earth

Welcome to my life. Day 5780. Hello my Normal Normans. For those who need another zombie fix in the wake of Zombieland, here's a creepy little indie that looks like it might have some brains. Check out their Myspace:

HELL WALKS THE EARTH

Zombify Yourself

Welcome to my life. Day 5778. Hello my Laminated Lamshanks. Not much going on today. Here's a picture of me as a zombie. If you want to get one made, go here:

ZOMBIFY YOURSELF

Band of the Week - Frankenstein Drag Queens From Planet 13

Welcome to my life. Day 5777. Greetings my Kinky Kangaroos. Today I have the pleasure of bringing you an awesome horror punk band called Frankenstein Drag Queens From Planet 13. Thanks to my Facebook buddy, Dennis for bringing them to my attention. In general, if you know of a band or a film or anything else for that matter that you believe deserves my attention, feel free to shoot me an email at annericerules@gmail.com. These guys friggin rock! I've been blasting their song, Mr. Motherfucker all day long. I was sick and got to stay home from school today. Some sort of virus. Thank God for the fever or I'd be in school. Anyway, I'm feeling better already, so don't bother with get well wishes.



Here's their Myspace:

Frankenstein Drag Queens From Planet 13

A Tribute to Celebrity Child Molesters

Welcome to my life. Day 5770. Greetings my Enchanted Enchiladas. Less than 48 hours till Zombieland! And, yes, I know, it's still zombie week but I feel like I need to get this off my chest. So today I'll just send you to NAZAL.NET, where for only 5 cents a day you can sponsor a zombie of your choice. Every month you'll get a personal letter from your zombie and you'll learn all the ways your contribution is helping them acclimate back into society.

Speaking of acclimating back into society, I just saw this show about how 'reformed' child molesters are setting up camps in the woods because there's no where in society that they can live (they can't live within a hundred feet of children.) Now there's a place Hansel and Gretel would want to avoid when lost in the forest. Imagine the songs around that campfire. But anyway, it just kind of shows our general attitude towards this sort of crime. I mean, in our minds there's no such thing as rehabilitation! No other reformed convicts are treated this way. Michael Vick doesn't have to live more than a hundred feet away from dogs! Bernie Madoff won't have to live more than a hundred feet away from Wall Street! And Plaxico Burress won't have to live more than a hundred feet away from himself! We basically see child molestation as the most heinous, inhuman, monstrous crime of them all! Except when it's committed by a celebrity.

This week, a lot of stars are showing their true colors when defending the child rapist, Roman Polanski. Above is a picture of 13 year Samantha Geiner as she looked when this scumbag drugged, raped and sodomized her! That means he stuck it in her butt! And then he tried to claim it was consensual! I'm sorry, but I seriously doubt that poor girl really wanted some crusty old Eurotrash wiener inside her poo-hole! Anyway, she was 13! There's no such thing as consensual sex when you're 13!

So then said scumbag pleaded guilty and then ran off back to Europe where he's been holed up for 30 years (and continuing to make movies no less! Winning Oscars and shit!) That was until this week when he was nabbed in Switzerland after going there to accept a lifetime achievement award. Now, I've made my disgust pretty clear over the whole Michael Jackson lovefest that's been going on ever since that slimy fucker croaked (why don't you just wear a T-shirt that says 'I Love Pedophiles!' - I said at the time). But now, to see all these celebrities pleading Rapist Polanski's case is really making me wanna wretch all over that fucking Hollywood sign!

Just check out Whoopi Goldberg on The View claiming it was 'consensual'. Stupid Cunt! I wonder how she would react if it was her daughter! Over a hundred celebrities have now come forward to stand behind this slimeball. It kind of makes me wonder if Charles Manson would be frolicking on the Riviera right now if only he'd come out with a hit record or a cult movie back in the day.



Pathetic! Another slimy pedophile, Woody Allen, has just come out in support of his fellow celebrity sex offender. That asshole married his adopted daughter! These guys don't give a fuck! They are not sorry in the slightest! What's the first thing Polanski did when he fled America? He married a 15 year old Natassia Kinski! That's my age! I cannot imagine anything worse than getting married to some slimy old fart who drools over little girls! Disgusting!

So, Hollywood, and America in general, get your fucking priorities straight! Celebrities are not above the law! And they're definitely not above morality! I hope Rapist Polanski spends the rest of his privileged fucking life behind bars! And I hope all you pedophile-loving celebrities lose all your fans (as well you should!) The only person who should be standing behind this prick is Bubba from D-Block. Now that would be poetic justice.