A blah day

Welcome to my life. Day 5803. Greetings my Earnest Emus. So the Yankees lost tonight. What a bummer. Cap'n Jeets grounded into a double play with the tying runs on base and nobody out in the ninth. Double bummer. But we have to be happy about taking two out of three at their stadium. At least now we're out of there. No more 'rally hankies'. What's that about? Looks like the fans are waving a bunch of white surrender flags. And that freaky mascot that looks like a green Big Bird? Lame. Thank God the Yankees don't have a mascot or stupid rally crap. Maybe if they were like black hankies. That would really fuck up the other team. Or maybe we could wave bloody effigies of their mutilated children. Maybe that's going too far. Hey, I've come up with a nickname for our giant, C.C. Sabathia. Black Sabathia. What do you think? And no, it's not cause he's black. It's cause his last name is Sabathia! Get it? Black Sabbath? Oh, forget it. Yankees lead the World Series 3 games to 2.

I am in Hell!

Welcome to my life. Day 5799. Hello my Anonymous Alcoholics. I could absolutely die! I want to find a cave and live in it for the rest of my wretched existence! How could I be so stupid! So careless! So much planning! Daily fucking rituals to cast this stupid love spell! And for what?! Goddamn voodoo book doesn't work for shit! I don't think I can ever show my face in school again!

So I went up to him. Billy Mathews. I'd caught him looking at me like three times today. I swear he even winked! None of you better have told him! It took every bit of strength I had. But I did it. I went up to him and I asked him out. He just looked at me and said really loud, "So, you must be Helen's Evil Twin." Then he and all his friends laughed in my face. I almost started to cry right there but I held in the tears. I turned around and walked out of the schoolyard. Then I ran. I ran and I ran until I couldn't breathe anymore. Then I collapsed and started crying like a little baby! I can't believe a man brought me to this state!

But no more tears! I will take my pain and turn it into anger! I will take these tears and turn them into daggers. I know Helen was behind this. I will have my revenge!

And the Yankees lost game 1!

Puke Flick of the Week - Drag Me To Hell

Welcome to my life. Day 5794. Hello my Tortured Tortoises. So I just watched this flick on DVD called Drag Me To Hell. Pretty awesome! Especially this uber-creepy old lady that haunts the whole thing. The flick's worth it just for her.


It's about this pretty little prissy chick (Alison Lohman, who reminded me of my sister, Helen) who works in a bank when said old lady comes in and starts begging for an extension on her loan. The chicky is trying to get a promotion and rejects her application. The old lady is scary and keeps taking out her false teeth - which are like green and pointy and decaying - I mean doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of false teeth? Anyway, the old lady is a crazy Hungarian gypsy and she does this cool curse on said chicky. I like the idea of a curse being inside an object. In this case it's a button off her jacket. I wonder what object of Helen's I can curse Helen with. The curse in this movie invokes an evil demon called the Lamia, basically a cousin of Pazuzu from The Exorcist. Only Lamia actually drags your ass to Hell if she's called on. I like it. Though I wish we got to see Hell as I the title sort of suggested. The only movies I know that really show a version of Hell are the Hellraiser flicks. I guess that requires a lot more imagination.

But Drag Me To Hell does have some very fun times including the greatest nosebleed I have ever seen. This thing sprays like twenty feet! It's a great little scene where girlfriend is at work in the droll little bank, the walls are all like ashy faded blue and grey and off she goes! Spraying the entire office especially her boss who was standing in front of her and is now screaming, "Did I get any in my mouth?!" Hilarious.


Alison Lohman is a little too pretty and looks a little lost in this genre. She was great in Matchstick Men, playing a twenty something pretending to be a 12 year old. But this flick doesn't really give her a chance to work out that acting muscle. The film is directed by Sam Raimi and is a welcome return to his roots (Evil Dead). He never took his horror too seriously and this is no exception. It is more 'fun' than scary. And Lohman kind of plays it that way. It's not really an attempt at pure terror like, say, Last House on The Left, which was pretty good, by the way. Although that microwave oven thing at the end totally ruined it for me. Everybody knows you can't just stick someone's head in the microwave! Believe me, I've tried it on my sister. Doesn't work. The door has to be closed. It's these little lapses in reality that really piss me off at the movies. For instance, in Drag Me To Hell, the chick has to sell all her shit to come up with 10 grand to pay off this psychic but when we meet the psychic, she's like, "I've battled the Lamia once before and lost. I've been waiting my whole life for a chance to get my revenge." Great, bitch! Maybe you could have waived the friggin fees in that case! God! People are so materialistic! Fine, battle away.


But as I said, the best thing about the flick is the old lady, Mrs. Ganush, (played by TV veteran, Lorna Raver) who has a penchant for puking green slime, maggots, and general gobs of yellow goo all over cute little Lohman. I kept imagining Helen in Lohman's place and got great satisfaction from so doing. It just occurred to me that in Hungaria they call old ladies Baba. So she's Baba Ganush! Great stuff.

Terror Film Festival

Welcome to my life. Day 5793. Greetings my Sanguinary Seraphins. Yanks lost today. They made a valiant comeback only to give it all right back. Kind of a let down. I was already popping champagne (wine cooler, really, but it's all good). Ended up drinking it anyway. To drown my sorrow. Raymond watched the game with me. I think my enthusiasm is contagious. He seemed to get really into it. Maybe it was just all the tight uniforms.

Anyway, today I wish to highlight another awesome October Film Fest. It is our month is it not? This one's called Terror Film Festival and it's on this weekend in Frazier, Pennsylvania. I hear that's like right outside of Philly.

There selection is a mix of big budget Hollywood flicks with a couple of cool indies thrown in.

In other news I'm getting pretty excited about Halloween. There's going to be a big ol' masquerade ball at school. I still haven't picked my costume, though. I've done witch and vampire so many times. Zombie is fun but only when you're around other zombies like for a zombie walk. Kind of hard to party when you're oozing brain juice. I'll probably just do vampire again. At least I won't have to go shopping. I've already seen Helen's costume - fairy. Totally gross. If she tries to sprinkle pixie dust on me, I'm going to sock her one. Would love to hear from some of my readers concerning their Halloween costumes, especially original ones. If you send pictures, I'll post them on the blog. This blog is such a great escape. Sometimes I feel like it's my secret identity. Or that the rest of my life is. Here in cyberworld I have so many friends and followers, people are always sending me cool Farmville gifts and what not. In real life I'm kind of a loner. Nobody would suspect that I am the great Lara Baxter, Goth blogger extraordinaire. I doubt anybody at school follows my blog. In fact I hope not. I kind of like this arrangement. They could all kiss my ass. Sure there's a Goth community at my school but it just seems like as much of a little click as the cheerleaders. And even they think I'm weird. I have my own style. And just cause it's dark and dangerous doesn't mean that I'm following any stupid trend. Especially not that Twatlight tip that all these little girls are on. I swear, we used to be anti-fashion. Now we are friggin fashion. Anyway, true Goths don't give a shit. They walk by the beat of their own drum. That's what I am.

Lara's Fiendish Fruit Farm

Welcome to my life. Day 5792. Greetings my Exalted Exiles. First of all, I have to brag about the creepy haunted house I just got for my Farmville farm. My farm is now ready for inspection. I christen it, Lara's Fiendish Fruit Farm. There's a cool Plant montster. His name is Fred and he likes Twatlighters. There's also a grave for my sister, Helen. Eventually, my farm will become complete. On that day I will cease to pick my crops and let all of them die. Then it will look truly perfect. The Halloween decorations on Farmville are only available for like another week, so get cracking.

I've also just consulted The Facebook Fortune Teller and found out that love is in the air for next Thursday. Hmm. Consult her yourself if you like:

FACEBOOK FORTUNE TELLER

Also, just heard that Bram Stoker Fest was a roaring sucksess. Here's a review of the festival on my sister bloodsucker site:

TALIESIN MEETS THE VAMPIRE

20 Story Lines and the Bible

Welcome to my life. Day 5785. Hello my Saucy Strumpets. All these days just seem to blur into one another. Who the hell am I? What he hell is the meaning of it all? I think of Anne Rice who just celebrated her 64th Birthday last week and I just can't imagine how you can keep yourself interested for so long. But somehow she does it. I've been around for almost 16 years and it seems like an eternity. Imagine how vampires must feel. To be cold and still and eternal. I imagine them to be very slow in everything they do. They must freeze entirely for long periods of time. Like statues. The world of Vampires must move in slow motion. They have no where to be. They are in no hurry. Not like humans. We are always in a hurry. Like we're trying to outrun death. And why? It's still coming. As sure as death and taxes, isn't that what they say? We all work and toil. Like little ants. And what are we toiling for? Where are we trying to get to? It's all a great big mystery. Too involved in the details to notice the big picture. "Find your place in the world and stick to it," Dad once said to me. "What if there is no place for me in this shitty world (though I may not have used the word, shitty)?" "Then you're just going to have to create one." Probably the smartest thing the old man's ever said to me. He's got some depth, they old man. And some mystery. Hangs out in the basement a lot. Sometimes has his Freemason friends over for poker. God knows what kind of global takeovers they're scheming up down there. Him and Mom don't do it anymore, I don't think. She has that broken hip thing so I'm sure it puts a spanner in the works. Probably TMI. Which reminds me, I've come up with a new acronym: WGAF - Who Gives A Fuck?! I've already used it three times. Twice with my sister, Helen.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, so Anne Rice gets all this inspiration from the Bible. Well, yes, I confess, she's got me reading it too. Anything Anne recommends can't be all that bad. I got the abridged, retard version cause I couldn't get into the whole archaic language. If God speaks like that, no wonder nobody knows what the hell to do. Anyway, the stories are actually pretty awesome. I've also been reading a lot of these 'teach yourself how to be a writer' books and one of them, called 20 Master Plots, by Ronald Tobias, which alleges that there are only twenty... master plots. I've taken it upon myself to link each one of them with a Bible story:

Quest - Noah
Adventure - All of them
Pursuit - Moses
Rescue - Moses
Escape - Moses
Revenge - Jason
The Riddle - Jason
Rivalry - Cain and Abel
Underdog - David and Goliath
Temptation - Adam and Eve
Metamorphosis - Saul becomes Paul
Transformation - Jason
Maturation - Moses
Love - Jacob and Rachel
Forbidden Love - David and Bathsheba
Sacrifice - Abraham
Discovery - Moses
Wretched Excess - Moses
Ascension - Jesus
Descension - Adam and Eve

Okay, if you want to disagree with Tobias and try coming up with a 21st, go right ahead. I bet he's betting that most people don't have that much time on their hands. Likewise with the Bible tales.

Puke Flick of the Week - Hell Walks The Earth

Welcome to my life. Day 5780. Hello my Normal Normans. For those who need another zombie fix in the wake of Zombieland, here's a creepy little indie that looks like it might have some brains. Check out their Myspace:

HELL WALKS THE EARTH

Zombieland Hollywood Zombiewalk 2009 Exclusive!

Welcome to my life. Day 5771. Greetings my Flaccid Fornicators. Yes, it's true! Yours truly has acquired this exclusive video of last night's Hollywood Zombiewalk celebrating Zombieland! (only 24 hours to go!) That's right, you won't see this vid anywhere else! It was made by a guy named Benjamin Fields who just happens to be a huge fan of Lara's Thoughts and who graciously donated this incredible video for Zombie Week. The music is from some band called Madisonprep. The song is called Inspiration Point. Enjoy!

A Tribute to Celebrity Child Molesters

Welcome to my life. Day 5770. Greetings my Enchanted Enchiladas. Less than 48 hours till Zombieland! And, yes, I know, it's still zombie week but I feel like I need to get this off my chest. So today I'll just send you to NAZAL.NET, where for only 5 cents a day you can sponsor a zombie of your choice. Every month you'll get a personal letter from your zombie and you'll learn all the ways your contribution is helping them acclimate back into society.

Speaking of acclimating back into society, I just saw this show about how 'reformed' child molesters are setting up camps in the woods because there's no where in society that they can live (they can't live within a hundred feet of children.) Now there's a place Hansel and Gretel would want to avoid when lost in the forest. Imagine the songs around that campfire. But anyway, it just kind of shows our general attitude towards this sort of crime. I mean, in our minds there's no such thing as rehabilitation! No other reformed convicts are treated this way. Michael Vick doesn't have to live more than a hundred feet away from dogs! Bernie Madoff won't have to live more than a hundred feet away from Wall Street! And Plaxico Burress won't have to live more than a hundred feet away from himself! We basically see child molestation as the most heinous, inhuman, monstrous crime of them all! Except when it's committed by a celebrity.

This week, a lot of stars are showing their true colors when defending the child rapist, Roman Polanski. Above is a picture of 13 year Samantha Geiner as she looked when this scumbag drugged, raped and sodomized her! That means he stuck it in her butt! And then he tried to claim it was consensual! I'm sorry, but I seriously doubt that poor girl really wanted some crusty old Eurotrash wiener inside her poo-hole! Anyway, she was 13! There's no such thing as consensual sex when you're 13!

So then said scumbag pleaded guilty and then ran off back to Europe where he's been holed up for 30 years (and continuing to make movies no less! Winning Oscars and shit!) That was until this week when he was nabbed in Switzerland after going there to accept a lifetime achievement award. Now, I've made my disgust pretty clear over the whole Michael Jackson lovefest that's been going on ever since that slimy fucker croaked (why don't you just wear a T-shirt that says 'I Love Pedophiles!' - I said at the time). But now, to see all these celebrities pleading Rapist Polanski's case is really making me wanna wretch all over that fucking Hollywood sign!

Just check out Whoopi Goldberg on The View claiming it was 'consensual'. Stupid Cunt! I wonder how she would react if it was her daughter! Over a hundred celebrities have now come forward to stand behind this slimeball. It kind of makes me wonder if Charles Manson would be frolicking on the Riviera right now if only he'd come out with a hit record or a cult movie back in the day.



Pathetic! Another slimy pedophile, Woody Allen, has just come out in support of his fellow celebrity sex offender. That asshole married his adopted daughter! These guys don't give a fuck! They are not sorry in the slightest! What's the first thing Polanski did when he fled America? He married a 15 year old Natassia Kinski! That's my age! I cannot imagine anything worse than getting married to some slimy old fart who drools over little girls! Disgusting!

So, Hollywood, and America in general, get your fucking priorities straight! Celebrities are not above the law! And they're definitely not above morality! I hope Rapist Polanski spends the rest of his privileged fucking life behind bars! And I hope all you pedophile-loving celebrities lose all your fans (as well you should!) The only person who should be standing behind this prick is Bubba from D-Block. Now that would be poetic justice.

Top 5 Zombie Sites

Welcome to my life. Day 5769. Greetings my Distant Dandelions. Thanks to Alan's World for adding that Spanish flick, Sexy Killer (nice title) to the Zombie flick list. I'll have to check it out. Final few days before Zombieland! I've been putting the finishing touches on the White Castle uniform I've turned into White Castle Zombie which I'm wearing to the premiere. I haven't been this excited since Amy Smart ripped off her own jaw in Mirrors.

Anyway, today I bring you my top five zombie sites. These days there are like a million zombie sites so to save you some time, I think these are all the resources you'll need to meet all your undead needs. The pics are from a new Serbian flick called Zone Of The Dead.



5. ZOMBIE REPORTING CENTER

Get all the latest zombie tidbits from this place. Their roving reporters are constantly out trying to get the scoop. (out of your brain!)



4. ZOMBIE FRIENDS

No zombie is an island. Here's a good place to meet like-minded brain leakers and bitch about one's death. I found a great remedy for brainworms here.

3. ZOMBIE FREE WORLD

Need to get something off your chest? Like a rib? Look no further. This is like the best zombie community forum I know. Leave a message and pretty soon a dozen undead will have swarmed around your note and puked black blood all over it.

2. THE UNDEAD REPORT

Everything you need to know to protect your home from a zombie invasion. Naturally I don't need to stress the importance of this site.


1. THE FEDERAL VAMPIRE AND ZOMBIE AGENCY

Nobody breaks down the science behind vampires and zombies better than Hugo Pecos. If you want to know the bones and joints of being dead and undead, Hugo's your man. Learn about the Zombie Virus and various stages of Zombism. If you're not prepared for an attack, at least prepare yourself for zombification. Know what to expect. Catch the symptoms before you catch and eat your dog. No one knows where Hugo gets his information but leaks in high government positions are suspected. Who knows what the government is really up to with their zombies. Just look at the one that just ran for president. I thought his face was being held together by glue! I kept expecting like his jaw to fall off during a debate. How embarrassing would that be?! Glad the brother won. Can't trust zombies. Give them a finger, they'll take your whole arm. Here he is in one of the Dead movies:



There you have it. Yes, there are plenty of others out there, these are just the ones that have my heart. Literally. It fell out, I cut it up and did like a mass mailing. Go Zombies!

Lara's Top Five Zombie Flicks

Welcome to my life. Day 5768. Greetings my Chalky Residues. So here are my five fave zombie flicks. I know, I'm partial to the comic zombie flicks. I once heard that horror directors have a saying: "If you don't give the audience something to laugh at, they will find something". And it's true, I mean, it's kind of hard to take some of the really over the top make-up in zombie flicks too seriously. You just have to kind of marvel at the artistry and enjoy the gruesomeness. Very few zombie flicks really even attempt anything resembling reality and many of those that do, fail miserably. To succeed as a zombie flick you can't take yourself too seriously, that's all I'm saying. Just think Resident Evil. I also realize that a few films that some would consider classics are not on there. Relax. I'm not saying these are the best. They're just my favorites.


5. Fido
Hilarious plot revolves around a parallel dimension in the 50's where zombies have been defeated and are now pets and servants. Canadian Zombies.


4. Day of The Dead
Okay, so Return and Dawn are probably superior, but neither of them have a zombie named Bub who they try to 'tame'. He makes it for me. The Tom Savini Make-up is legendary.


3. Evil Dead II
Evil Dead with a budget. Though I love the original and Army of Darkness rules too, this is the real gem for me. Plot revolves around an ancient book that opens a doorway to another world. Sam Raimi went on to make the Spiderman movies.


2. 28 Days Later
Okay, this is the one zombie flick that truly scared the crap out of me. And I'm not easily spooked. This flick actually attempts to take itself seriously and succeeds mostly because zombism isn't a resurrection from the dead at all but a disease called Rage. The effects are minimal which actually makes it more realistic. Director Danny Boyle went on to win an Oscar with Slumdog Millionaire.


1. Dead Alive
Peter Jackson's masterpiece remains the cream of the crop to this day in my opinion. The effects are truly incomparable. No one before or after has put this much effort and ingenuity into zombie make-up and for that reason alone it stands on top. Remember, zombie make-up should have some action. An arm should fall off or a eyeball should explode. Just looking dead isn't enough. Jackson went on to make King Kong and Lord Of The Rings.

There you have it. Lara's top five. I have a strong feeling that Fido's about to get knocked off by Zombieland. Only 96 hours to go!

Band of the Week - Zombie Bazooka Patrol

Welcome to my life. Day 5767. Hello my Bubbly Barracudas. This is a real treat. This is actually one of my favorite bands. I've been waiting to do an expose on them for like forever. And what a better time than Zombie Week! Only 120 hours to the Zombieland premiere! Anyway, they are Zombie Bazooka Patrol. A cross between The Ramones, The Misfits, The Killers, The Specials, The Toasters, The Dishwashers, The Penguins, The Dingalings, The Penelopes, The Presidents Of The United States Of America, Madness, and throw in a bit of Stray Cats for good measure. They are the zombie band in my opinion. But people don't realize that their music actually transcends the genre. You can bop away all night to Zombie Shake or sing along to Wormz (In my head), or get your lighters in the air for Better Off Undead. Anyway, I'm a huge fan. I had a poster in my bedroom before I turned it into the Savage Garden.

Check out their MySpace:

ZOMBIE BAZOOKA PATROL

Armagged-it-on!

Welcome to my life. Day 5766. Hello my Ailing Anchovies. So Dad's been freaking out all day about Iran and how they have a nuclear weapon and how this is the beginning of World War III and whatever. I mean, if it happens, it happens. Nothing I can do about it. I guess I can write a letter to Ahmadinajad but I don't even think he reads English. Still, it kind of affects the way we look at life. Our plans and what not. Not much point continuing this education business if the world is going to end in a couple of years. Apparently all these religions and tribes all say the world is going to end in 2012. So why the hell do we continue to do shit? Let's PAAAARTY! Seriously, if the world's gonna end, I'd like to say I spent the last couple of years of it getting wasted rather than learning about the Magna friggin Carta. This kind of reminds of me of one of my favorite books, The Basketball Diaries, by Jim Carroll who died last week. R.I.P. Big Jim! Anyway, he wrote that book when he was fifteen, much as I'm writing my blog now. I think it's important to record these years. I mean, it's kind of hard to recapture that 'teen' spirit when you're all old and jaded. Jim grew up in the 60's when everyone thought the Russians were going to destroy the world. Hiroshima was still pretty fresh in everyone's mind, too. In the book, Jim becomes a junky and throws a promising basketball future away. Somehow you can't help but feel that the Russians had something to do with it. This sort of thing affects us kids. Psychologically. I was seven years old when 9/11 happened. Later on I found out that those planes flew over Indian Point. That's a nuclear power plant on the Hudson River. I don't live that far from there. It would have been the end of yours truly. Those crazy Arabs momentarily had my life in their hands. And they chose to spare it. Jim Carroll may have had the threat of annihilation but I had the genuine opportunity. Sure, I was too young to really appreciate it, but hell, it gives you perspective. You've all fucked up this planet so bad we have no idea if we even have a future at all! Maybe that's why zombie flicks strike such a chord. They're really about the end of the world. And they kind of help us laugh it off. You might say zombie flicks help us learn to stop worrying and love the bomb.




A brief history of Zombies

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the word Zombie entered English circa 1871 and is derived from the Louisiana Creole or Haitian Creole zonbi, which in turn is of Bantu origin. A zonbi is a person who is believed to have died and been brought back to life without speech or free will. So, the first zombies were brought back to life through voodoo, a powerful and mysterious witchcraft.

Zombies gained notoriety as an obscure offshoot of the horror genre of the 1930s, most notably White Zombie (1932) with Bela Lugosi. Few zombies from that time remain, mostly because they didn't have a whole lot personality. There are several B-Movies of the 50's that experimented with the idea of the dead returning but it wasn't until 1968, when George Romero gave us Night Of The Living Dead that the genre as we know it really came to be. The rest, as they say, is history. Today, zombies are the pinnacle of Special Effects Make-up achievement in the movies.

Here is Mr. Romero's Site:

GEORGE ROMERO