A blah day

Welcome to my life. Day 5803. Greetings my Earnest Emus. So the Yankees lost tonight. What a bummer. Cap'n Jeets grounded into a double play with the tying runs on base and nobody out in the ninth. Double bummer. But we have to be happy about taking two out of three at their stadium. At least now we're out of there. No more 'rally hankies'. What's that about? Looks like the fans are waving a bunch of white surrender flags. And that freaky mascot that looks like a green Big Bird? Lame. Thank God the Yankees don't have a mascot or stupid rally crap. Maybe if they were like black hankies. That would really fuck up the other team. Or maybe we could wave bloody effigies of their mutilated children. Maybe that's going too far. Hey, I've come up with a nickname for our giant, C.C. Sabathia. Black Sabathia. What do you think? And no, it's not cause he's black. It's cause his last name is Sabathia! Get it? Black Sabbath? Oh, forget it. Yankees lead the World Series 3 games to 2.

I am in Hell!

Welcome to my life. Day 5799. Hello my Anonymous Alcoholics. I could absolutely die! I want to find a cave and live in it for the rest of my wretched existence! How could I be so stupid! So careless! So much planning! Daily fucking rituals to cast this stupid love spell! And for what?! Goddamn voodoo book doesn't work for shit! I don't think I can ever show my face in school again!

So I went up to him. Billy Mathews. I'd caught him looking at me like three times today. I swear he even winked! None of you better have told him! It took every bit of strength I had. But I did it. I went up to him and I asked him out. He just looked at me and said really loud, "So, you must be Helen's Evil Twin." Then he and all his friends laughed in my face. I almost started to cry right there but I held in the tears. I turned around and walked out of the schoolyard. Then I ran. I ran and I ran until I couldn't breathe anymore. Then I collapsed and started crying like a little baby! I can't believe a man brought me to this state!

But no more tears! I will take my pain and turn it into anger! I will take these tears and turn them into daggers. I know Helen was behind this. I will have my revenge!

And the Yankees lost game 1!

Puke Flick of the Week - Drag Me To Hell

Welcome to my life. Day 5794. Hello my Tortured Tortoises. So I just watched this flick on DVD called Drag Me To Hell. Pretty awesome! Especially this uber-creepy old lady that haunts the whole thing. The flick's worth it just for her.


It's about this pretty little prissy chick (Alison Lohman, who reminded me of my sister, Helen) who works in a bank when said old lady comes in and starts begging for an extension on her loan. The chicky is trying to get a promotion and rejects her application. The old lady is scary and keeps taking out her false teeth - which are like green and pointy and decaying - I mean doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of false teeth? Anyway, the old lady is a crazy Hungarian gypsy and she does this cool curse on said chicky. I like the idea of a curse being inside an object. In this case it's a button off her jacket. I wonder what object of Helen's I can curse Helen with. The curse in this movie invokes an evil demon called the Lamia, basically a cousin of Pazuzu from The Exorcist. Only Lamia actually drags your ass to Hell if she's called on. I like it. Though I wish we got to see Hell as I the title sort of suggested. The only movies I know that really show a version of Hell are the Hellraiser flicks. I guess that requires a lot more imagination.

But Drag Me To Hell does have some very fun times including the greatest nosebleed I have ever seen. This thing sprays like twenty feet! It's a great little scene where girlfriend is at work in the droll little bank, the walls are all like ashy faded blue and grey and off she goes! Spraying the entire office especially her boss who was standing in front of her and is now screaming, "Did I get any in my mouth?!" Hilarious.


Alison Lohman is a little too pretty and looks a little lost in this genre. She was great in Matchstick Men, playing a twenty something pretending to be a 12 year old. But this flick doesn't really give her a chance to work out that acting muscle. The film is directed by Sam Raimi and is a welcome return to his roots (Evil Dead). He never took his horror too seriously and this is no exception. It is more 'fun' than scary. And Lohman kind of plays it that way. It's not really an attempt at pure terror like, say, Last House on The Left, which was pretty good, by the way. Although that microwave oven thing at the end totally ruined it for me. Everybody knows you can't just stick someone's head in the microwave! Believe me, I've tried it on my sister. Doesn't work. The door has to be closed. It's these little lapses in reality that really piss me off at the movies. For instance, in Drag Me To Hell, the chick has to sell all her shit to come up with 10 grand to pay off this psychic but when we meet the psychic, she's like, "I've battled the Lamia once before and lost. I've been waiting my whole life for a chance to get my revenge." Great, bitch! Maybe you could have waived the friggin fees in that case! God! People are so materialistic! Fine, battle away.


But as I said, the best thing about the flick is the old lady, Mrs. Ganush, (played by TV veteran, Lorna Raver) who has a penchant for puking green slime, maggots, and general gobs of yellow goo all over cute little Lohman. I kept imagining Helen in Lohman's place and got great satisfaction from so doing. It just occurred to me that in Hungaria they call old ladies Baba. So she's Baba Ganush! Great stuff.

Lara's Fiendish Fruit Farm

Welcome to my life. Day 5792. Greetings my Exalted Exiles. First of all, I have to brag about the creepy haunted house I just got for my Farmville farm. My farm is now ready for inspection. I christen it, Lara's Fiendish Fruit Farm. There's a cool Plant montster. His name is Fred and he likes Twatlighters. There's also a grave for my sister, Helen. Eventually, my farm will become complete. On that day I will cease to pick my crops and let all of them die. Then it will look truly perfect. The Halloween decorations on Farmville are only available for like another week, so get cracking.

I've also just consulted The Facebook Fortune Teller and found out that love is in the air for next Thursday. Hmm. Consult her yourself if you like:

FACEBOOK FORTUNE TELLER

Also, just heard that Bram Stoker Fest was a roaring sucksess. Here's a review of the festival on my sister bloodsucker site:

TALIESIN MEETS THE VAMPIRE

Stupid Facebook Game of the Year - Farmville!

Welcome to my life. Day 5783. Hello my Quivering Quiches. So I'm totally addicted to Farmville. It's true. My name is Lara and I'm a farmvillaholic. I'm sorry, the game is just so zen. Picking your eggplants and milking your goats; I can see how people could be drawn to a life like that. I've started leaving notes on my neighbors' farms. I've declared myself official Farm Judge. Anyone over level 20 will get judged. If your farm is too commercial, too cluttered or too militarized, you will hear about it. Farmville farm of the month has to go to my Facebook buddy, Helen Grant. She has little themes - one pen has all white sheep except for one black one. Another pen is pink and contains pink cows. A third has a pond with an Ugly Duckling scene. And she still manages to churn out a healthy profit, I'm sure. So, go, Helen! You win despite having the same name as my bitch sister! Wait, maybe you are my bitch sister! You never know with these facebook accounts. I've heard of like old men posing as teenage girls. Sickening.

So become my neighbor at your own peril. My own farm is still a work in progress, so don't bother me at least until I reach level 20. I still haven't expanded. Also, Twatlighters will be shot!

To start your own farm go here:

FARMVILLE

Band of the Week - Frankenstein Drag Queens From Planet 13

Welcome to my life. Day 5777. Greetings my Kinky Kangaroos. Today I have the pleasure of bringing you an awesome horror punk band called Frankenstein Drag Queens From Planet 13. Thanks to my Facebook buddy, Dennis for bringing them to my attention. In general, if you know of a band or a film or anything else for that matter that you believe deserves my attention, feel free to shoot me an email at annericerules@gmail.com. These guys friggin rock! I've been blasting their song, Mr. Motherfucker all day long. I was sick and got to stay home from school today. Some sort of virus. Thank God for the fever or I'd be in school. Anyway, I'm feeling better already, so don't bother with get well wishes.



Here's their Myspace:

Frankenstein Drag Queens From Planet 13

A Tribute to Celebrity Child Molesters

Welcome to my life. Day 5770. Greetings my Enchanted Enchiladas. Less than 48 hours till Zombieland! And, yes, I know, it's still zombie week but I feel like I need to get this off my chest. So today I'll just send you to NAZAL.NET, where for only 5 cents a day you can sponsor a zombie of your choice. Every month you'll get a personal letter from your zombie and you'll learn all the ways your contribution is helping them acclimate back into society.

Speaking of acclimating back into society, I just saw this show about how 'reformed' child molesters are setting up camps in the woods because there's no where in society that they can live (they can't live within a hundred feet of children.) Now there's a place Hansel and Gretel would want to avoid when lost in the forest. Imagine the songs around that campfire. But anyway, it just kind of shows our general attitude towards this sort of crime. I mean, in our minds there's no such thing as rehabilitation! No other reformed convicts are treated this way. Michael Vick doesn't have to live more than a hundred feet away from dogs! Bernie Madoff won't have to live more than a hundred feet away from Wall Street! And Plaxico Burress won't have to live more than a hundred feet away from himself! We basically see child molestation as the most heinous, inhuman, monstrous crime of them all! Except when it's committed by a celebrity.

This week, a lot of stars are showing their true colors when defending the child rapist, Roman Polanski. Above is a picture of 13 year Samantha Geiner as she looked when this scumbag drugged, raped and sodomized her! That means he stuck it in her butt! And then he tried to claim it was consensual! I'm sorry, but I seriously doubt that poor girl really wanted some crusty old Eurotrash wiener inside her poo-hole! Anyway, she was 13! There's no such thing as consensual sex when you're 13!

So then said scumbag pleaded guilty and then ran off back to Europe where he's been holed up for 30 years (and continuing to make movies no less! Winning Oscars and shit!) That was until this week when he was nabbed in Switzerland after going there to accept a lifetime achievement award. Now, I've made my disgust pretty clear over the whole Michael Jackson lovefest that's been going on ever since that slimy fucker croaked (why don't you just wear a T-shirt that says 'I Love Pedophiles!' - I said at the time). But now, to see all these celebrities pleading Rapist Polanski's case is really making me wanna wretch all over that fucking Hollywood sign!

Just check out Whoopi Goldberg on The View claiming it was 'consensual'. Stupid Cunt! I wonder how she would react if it was her daughter! Over a hundred celebrities have now come forward to stand behind this slimeball. It kind of makes me wonder if Charles Manson would be frolicking on the Riviera right now if only he'd come out with a hit record or a cult movie back in the day.



Pathetic! Another slimy pedophile, Woody Allen, has just come out in support of his fellow celebrity sex offender. That asshole married his adopted daughter! These guys don't give a fuck! They are not sorry in the slightest! What's the first thing Polanski did when he fled America? He married a 15 year old Natassia Kinski! That's my age! I cannot imagine anything worse than getting married to some slimy old fart who drools over little girls! Disgusting!

So, Hollywood, and America in general, get your fucking priorities straight! Celebrities are not above the law! And they're definitely not above morality! I hope Rapist Polanski spends the rest of his privileged fucking life behind bars! And I hope all you pedophile-loving celebrities lose all your fans (as well you should!) The only person who should be standing behind this prick is Bubba from D-Block. Now that would be poetic justice.

Top 5 Zombie Sites

Welcome to my life. Day 5769. Greetings my Distant Dandelions. Thanks to Alan's World for adding that Spanish flick, Sexy Killer (nice title) to the Zombie flick list. I'll have to check it out. Final few days before Zombieland! I've been putting the finishing touches on the White Castle uniform I've turned into White Castle Zombie which I'm wearing to the premiere. I haven't been this excited since Amy Smart ripped off her own jaw in Mirrors.

Anyway, today I bring you my top five zombie sites. These days there are like a million zombie sites so to save you some time, I think these are all the resources you'll need to meet all your undead needs. The pics are from a new Serbian flick called Zone Of The Dead.



5. ZOMBIE REPORTING CENTER

Get all the latest zombie tidbits from this place. Their roving reporters are constantly out trying to get the scoop. (out of your brain!)



4. ZOMBIE FRIENDS

No zombie is an island. Here's a good place to meet like-minded brain leakers and bitch about one's death. I found a great remedy for brainworms here.

3. ZOMBIE FREE WORLD

Need to get something off your chest? Like a rib? Look no further. This is like the best zombie community forum I know. Leave a message and pretty soon a dozen undead will have swarmed around your note and puked black blood all over it.

2. THE UNDEAD REPORT

Everything you need to know to protect your home from a zombie invasion. Naturally I don't need to stress the importance of this site.


1. THE FEDERAL VAMPIRE AND ZOMBIE AGENCY

Nobody breaks down the science behind vampires and zombies better than Hugo Pecos. If you want to know the bones and joints of being dead and undead, Hugo's your man. Learn about the Zombie Virus and various stages of Zombism. If you're not prepared for an attack, at least prepare yourself for zombification. Know what to expect. Catch the symptoms before you catch and eat your dog. No one knows where Hugo gets his information but leaks in high government positions are suspected. Who knows what the government is really up to with their zombies. Just look at the one that just ran for president. I thought his face was being held together by glue! I kept expecting like his jaw to fall off during a debate. How embarrassing would that be?! Glad the brother won. Can't trust zombies. Give them a finger, they'll take your whole arm. Here he is in one of the Dead movies:



There you have it. Yes, there are plenty of others out there, these are just the ones that have my heart. Literally. It fell out, I cut it up and did like a mass mailing. Go Zombies!

Lara's Top Five Zombie Flicks

Welcome to my life. Day 5768. Greetings my Chalky Residues. So here are my five fave zombie flicks. I know, I'm partial to the comic zombie flicks. I once heard that horror directors have a saying: "If you don't give the audience something to laugh at, they will find something". And it's true, I mean, it's kind of hard to take some of the really over the top make-up in zombie flicks too seriously. You just have to kind of marvel at the artistry and enjoy the gruesomeness. Very few zombie flicks really even attempt anything resembling reality and many of those that do, fail miserably. To succeed as a zombie flick you can't take yourself too seriously, that's all I'm saying. Just think Resident Evil. I also realize that a few films that some would consider classics are not on there. Relax. I'm not saying these are the best. They're just my favorites.


5. Fido
Hilarious plot revolves around a parallel dimension in the 50's where zombies have been defeated and are now pets and servants. Canadian Zombies.


4. Day of The Dead
Okay, so Return and Dawn are probably superior, but neither of them have a zombie named Bub who they try to 'tame'. He makes it for me. The Tom Savini Make-up is legendary.


3. Evil Dead II
Evil Dead with a budget. Though I love the original and Army of Darkness rules too, this is the real gem for me. Plot revolves around an ancient book that opens a doorway to another world. Sam Raimi went on to make the Spiderman movies.


2. 28 Days Later
Okay, this is the one zombie flick that truly scared the crap out of me. And I'm not easily spooked. This flick actually attempts to take itself seriously and succeeds mostly because zombism isn't a resurrection from the dead at all but a disease called Rage. The effects are minimal which actually makes it more realistic. Director Danny Boyle went on to win an Oscar with Slumdog Millionaire.


1. Dead Alive
Peter Jackson's masterpiece remains the cream of the crop to this day in my opinion. The effects are truly incomparable. No one before or after has put this much effort and ingenuity into zombie make-up and for that reason alone it stands on top. Remember, zombie make-up should have some action. An arm should fall off or a eyeball should explode. Just looking dead isn't enough. Jackson went on to make King Kong and Lord Of The Rings.

There you have it. Lara's top five. I have a strong feeling that Fido's about to get knocked off by Zombieland. Only 96 hours to go!

Band of the Week - Zombie Bazooka Patrol

Welcome to my life. Day 5767. Hello my Bubbly Barracudas. This is a real treat. This is actually one of my favorite bands. I've been waiting to do an expose on them for like forever. And what a better time than Zombie Week! Only 120 hours to the Zombieland premiere! Anyway, they are Zombie Bazooka Patrol. A cross between The Ramones, The Misfits, The Killers, The Specials, The Toasters, The Dishwashers, The Penguins, The Dingalings, The Penelopes, The Presidents Of The United States Of America, Madness, and throw in a bit of Stray Cats for good measure. They are the zombie band in my opinion. But people don't realize that their music actually transcends the genre. You can bop away all night to Zombie Shake or sing along to Wormz (In my head), or get your lighters in the air for Better Off Undead. Anyway, I'm a huge fan. I had a poster in my bedroom before I turned it into the Savage Garden.

Check out their MySpace:

ZOMBIE BAZOOKA PATROL

Armagged-it-on!

Welcome to my life. Day 5766. Hello my Ailing Anchovies. So Dad's been freaking out all day about Iran and how they have a nuclear weapon and how this is the beginning of World War III and whatever. I mean, if it happens, it happens. Nothing I can do about it. I guess I can write a letter to Ahmadinajad but I don't even think he reads English. Still, it kind of affects the way we look at life. Our plans and what not. Not much point continuing this education business if the world is going to end in a couple of years. Apparently all these religions and tribes all say the world is going to end in 2012. So why the hell do we continue to do shit? Let's PAAAARTY! Seriously, if the world's gonna end, I'd like to say I spent the last couple of years of it getting wasted rather than learning about the Magna friggin Carta. This kind of reminds of me of one of my favorite books, The Basketball Diaries, by Jim Carroll who died last week. R.I.P. Big Jim! Anyway, he wrote that book when he was fifteen, much as I'm writing my blog now. I think it's important to record these years. I mean, it's kind of hard to recapture that 'teen' spirit when you're all old and jaded. Jim grew up in the 60's when everyone thought the Russians were going to destroy the world. Hiroshima was still pretty fresh in everyone's mind, too. In the book, Jim becomes a junky and throws a promising basketball future away. Somehow you can't help but feel that the Russians had something to do with it. This sort of thing affects us kids. Psychologically. I was seven years old when 9/11 happened. Later on I found out that those planes flew over Indian Point. That's a nuclear power plant on the Hudson River. I don't live that far from there. It would have been the end of yours truly. Those crazy Arabs momentarily had my life in their hands. And they chose to spare it. Jim Carroll may have had the threat of annihilation but I had the genuine opportunity. Sure, I was too young to really appreciate it, but hell, it gives you perspective. You've all fucked up this planet so bad we have no idea if we even have a future at all! Maybe that's why zombie flicks strike such a chord. They're really about the end of the world. And they kind of help us laugh it off. You might say zombie flicks help us learn to stop worrying and love the bomb.




A brief history of Zombies

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the word Zombie entered English circa 1871 and is derived from the Louisiana Creole or Haitian Creole zonbi, which in turn is of Bantu origin. A zonbi is a person who is believed to have died and been brought back to life without speech or free will. So, the first zombies were brought back to life through voodoo, a powerful and mysterious witchcraft.

Zombies gained notoriety as an obscure offshoot of the horror genre of the 1930s, most notably White Zombie (1932) with Bela Lugosi. Few zombies from that time remain, mostly because they didn't have a whole lot personality. There are several B-Movies of the 50's that experimented with the idea of the dead returning but it wasn't until 1968, when George Romero gave us Night Of The Living Dead that the genre as we know it really came to be. The rest, as they say, is history. Today, zombies are the pinnacle of Special Effects Make-up achievement in the movies.

Here is Mr. Romero's Site:

GEORGE ROMERO